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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 23/07/2019 09:44

I am totally with the op - similar happened to me in real life recently too. Wouldn’t really give a thought to the regular lift to other kid if going anyway. But the other mum shot herself in foot by getting arsey when op couldn’t do it for once. When the recipient treats you like that you suddenly think hang on and feel abit of a mug. Well I did anyway so probably projecting Grin

OpheliaTodd · 23/07/2019 09:48

Yanbu at all but if it were me I wouldn’t have the heart to let him miss it for the sake of 20 minutes extra driving.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 10:04

Bert do you really feel like this about favours? That they’re somewhat lesser if the giver doesn’t have to go far out of their way, and there’s no need to show as much appreciation?
You could take that attitude to extremes. Like joining in someone’s picnic uninvited because there’s loads of food and surely some of it will go in the bin so you might as well partake?
Or deciding that as someone has two pairs of boots and can’t wear them both at the same time you might as well borrow the spare whenever you please?
They’re probably bad analogies but you get the idea.
I react to favours in terms of how they benefit me, not how far the giver has gone out of their way because it’s irrelevant.
The mum’s life was made easier for 6 months. A spare seat in the car shouldn’t make that insignificant.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 10:15

“Bert do you really feel like this about favours? That they’re somewhat lesser if the giver doesn’t have to go far out of their way, and there’s no need to show as much appreciation?”

Well, I expect people to say thank you! But yes, if I donfavour that involves no inconvenience to me at all I would be embarrassed by too much gratitude. I used the example of me taking my neighbour’s child to school earlier. Child sees us coming out of our house, comes and gets in the car with my dd. I drive to school. Child gets out. Says thank you. I drive home. Absolutely no effort on my part. Why would I want a song and dance? It made her life hugely easier. But the size of the favour depends on the effort of the favourer, not the impact on the favouree.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 10:21

See, I think it’s the other way round. But we’ll agree to disagree.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 10:28

“See, I think it’s the other way round. But we’ll agree to disagree.”

I do find that interesting. I’m trying to think of a suitable example of the other way round. When I took neighbours child to school I literally did nothing. My dd liked it. It was zero effort from me. It made my neighbour’s life much easier because she had two smaller children and a puppy that she would have had to load into the car. Would it have been less of a favour in your mind if it had just enabled her to get on with her work (she’s a freelance designer) half an hour earlier?

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 10:37

Yeah, I get it... Grin
I suppose I just feel that the size of the hole they’re digging me out of is what looms larger to me, and I don’t really think it’s any less because “it’s nothing, we’re doing it anyway!”. The seat would still be given to my child, not someone else’s. Assuming there was competition for it...
Does that make any sense? Haven’t had much coffee this morning.

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 23/07/2019 10:57

Head, I'm with you here. A friend takes my dc to an activity each week as she takes her dc and does an activity for herself in the time. I am enormously grateful to her each and every week as it saves me hanging around for the 2 hours the activity takes (not worth going home as i live a fair way from the place). She says it is no bother to her, which, i agree, it isn't, but that doesn't affect how grateful i feel. (In case i now get accused of cfery by the MN police, i have offered to take hers in return, but then she would miss her activity, so i buy her the occasional gift as thanks).

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 11:08

It seems to depend on whether you’re the favourer or the favouree.

I’m looking after someone’s guinea pigs and chickens next week- and I will be mightily pissed off if I don’t get a decent present for doing that! (I will) . That’s a big favour in my book.

MsTSwift · 23/07/2019 11:36

Also dd1 has a friend who is lovely but bloody annoying in the car talks drivel non stop and is shrieky. After a car journey with her my nerves are shot my own kids pretty quiet. So giving her a regular lift a bigger deal than a quiet kid

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 11:40

Exactly. It’s not always without repercussions, even if on the face of it it doesn’t appear to cost you anything, be it in time or cash.

FrancisCrawford · 23/07/2019 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SagAloojah · 23/07/2019 14:08

@BertrandRussell I made this point to you before but you ignored it.

Taking someone else’s child to an activity every Sunday can impact OP’s family as they always have to plan around the child. They may want to go out as a family straight after the activity, or go out to lunch, or see a relative but they can’t, they always have to ensure the other child gets home.

OP is happy to do this but for you to assume the favour is not important as she’s going there anyway is underestimating the nature of what OP is doing. Not everyone would commit to this so this is not an every day favour, this is OP going above and beyond and that’s why people are shocked that the neighbour just did not accept it with good grace when OP said she couldn’t take the child one Sunday.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 14:13

I don’t think I ignored it- I think I just missed it. Yes, I agree that it should be possible to say that you can’t do it one week. When I took neighbour’s child to school if mine was sick I didn’t take her. And I did say that it was fine for the OP to say she couldn’t do the run home from the presentation evening. Just that for the sake of 20 minutes I probably would if there was room in the car.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 14:14

And if I frequently wanted to go somewhere else rather than straight home I woudn’t have offered the lift in the first place!

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 14:26

I still think you’re missing the point about tying yourself in. Nobody knows what they’ll be doing 6 months in advance, so assuming nothing will change because currently you see no reason not to return straight home is quite simplistic.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 14:28

That didn’t make much sense... By offering the lift you’ve tied yourself into not having the option to change your routine should the opportunity present itself.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 14:29

Well, if circumstances change then the arrangement changes. If I had suddenly started home schooling I woudn’t have been able to take neighbour’s child to school any more.

Comefromaway · 23/07/2019 14:33

My husband lost his driving licence for medical reasons. We have been lucky that having two children who take part in performing arts activities in two different cities that kind friends have helped us out on occasion.

In this instance I would get a taxi, I would never presume.

Taichipandas · 23/07/2019 14:35

I find that some people are very suspicious of kindness rather than see it as a weakness. Well, maybe some do see it as a weakness but I've had more people assume that you are doing them a favour for some mysterious "pay back" when sometimes you are just being kind without any agenda at all.

Nonetheless, I still think taking a child back and forth to an activity for sixth months is quite a big favour. As I mentioned below, you are in loco parentis (serious responsibility), child in your care could get ill or injured (quite likely taking them to rugby or an active sport!).
I had a spare child I was ferrying to dance class spew in my car once. And that's leaving out the fact that you might have to go a bit out of your way to collect them and drop them off if they don't live next door. Also, there's the tie of having to let them know if you are going to be late or are ill yourselves etc and the attendant hassles related to that - as demonstrated by this thread!

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 15:05

“Also, there's the tie of having to let them know if you are going to be late or are ill yourselves etc”

Grin yep- sorting out that carrier pigeon is a real hassle, isn’t it?

QuickThinkOfAName · 23/07/2019 15:06

Bertrand - but that's kind of my point from a while ago. If things changed and you home schooled you wouldn't take the child to school as you couldn't.

I'm presuming the child's mother wouldn't try to emotionally blackmail you into continuing the lifts even though it is longer easy for you?

That's the crux of this situation for me.

The only response from a parent after six months of ferrying to and from club when told the op couldn't do it for one week was oh thanks for letting me know. Have a great holiday. Thanks again for all your help. NOT to try to get the op to change her plans by emotional blackmail.

It's something about the way the op is treated like a skivvy frankly. But the op is clearly lovely. I'm glad things worked out.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 15:09

I suppose in the particular circumstances of this thread (which I have no intention of reading!) it very much depends how she asked. I can imagine acceptable and unacceptable ways it might have happened.

QuickThinkOfAName · 23/07/2019 15:50

I don't think it depends how she asked! The fact that she did when she was told the op couldn't do it and then used emotional blackmail says it all!

OooErMissus · 23/07/2019 16:44

And I did say that it was fine for the OP to say she couldn’t do the run home from the presentation evening. Just that for the sake of 20 minutes I probably would if there was room in the car.

I probably would too, Bertrand.

What I definitely wouldn't do, is behave like the child's mum, and - instead of being thankful and understanding of this one-off time of not being able to do it - lay on a guilt trip, and continue to expect the ride.

Would you?

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