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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 21/07/2019 11:13

“It’s no less significant because she was going there anyway”

Yes it is. I frequently took my neighbour’s child to school with mine. When we came out of our house she came out of hers- she and my dd got in the car. I drove to school. They got out. I drove home Absolutely zero extra impact on me.

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 11:15

To the recipient, Bert. The benefit is the same.

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2019 11:17

“To the recipient, Bert. The benefit is the same”
I don’t understand why that matters.

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 11:17

Some posters are suggesting the other mum has no actual need to feel gratitude for the last six months of lifts because it didn’t impact the op.

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2019 11:21

Oh right.

Well, I would have been very embarrassed if my neighbour had been excessively grateful to me for those particular lifts. She said thank you of course, and so did the child.
And she told me how much easier it made her life. But it wasn’t a favour worth any more than that!

SweetMarmalade · 21/07/2019 11:22

Stick to your guns OP, you have been far from ‘cruel’ (can’t believe some posters have actually said this) over the past 6 months!

The DM keeps being mentioned but does no one in this family drive? What about DF, grandparents! Where is the DF in all of this?

Living rurally, while not in every area but where I live, you certainly aren’t poor, quite the opposite in fact! The DM has, in the beginning offered petrol money, the OP politely declined. DM can use the offered money to now pay for a taxi and this will also enable her to watch her DS collect his award! That’s assuming that NO ONE in her family can drive, which I find quite Hmm if they live so rurally!

You shouldn’t have had to mull this over, OP! DM should not have asked you to drop off at Grans! Regardless of whether you have space or not isn’t the point, the point is it’s a huge inconvenience and not your issue!

I’m sure DM will find a way.

notapizzaeater · 21/07/2019 11:28

I hope you've enjoyed the presentation and are currently enroute for your hols.

Isatis · 21/07/2019 11:38

I struggle with the notion that neither the mother nor the grandparents are turning up to see their child/grandchild's award ceremony, despite the grandparents living so close. Poor kid.

IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 12:01

It’s not bloody virtue signaling to say that you’d do the extra 20 minutes. It’s a difference of opinion. 🙄

Anyway, redundant since OP only discovered after starting the thread that she would have to pack camping equipment for her camping trip and would therefore have no room...

Twotome · 21/07/2019 12:02

I would do the extra 20 mins to grans house, I think it would be really awful for the little boy to miss out after going for all that time.

I know you have since updated to say you are now worried about fitting him in, but that seems a bit like an afterthought excuse to make you feel better.

DramaRamaLlama · 21/07/2019 12:05

I'd drop him but it's understandable that you don't want to.

There's a lot of venom towards the Mum thought. Not knowing any of her circumstances I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

WhereTheWildFlowersAre · 21/07/2019 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 21/07/2019 12:22

Hells bells!

Op is going on a camping trip with a car full of gear and her own family.
There is no room!

20 mins to grans could mean an hour there and back to where op started at sport centre before they even get going in the right direction! Op has small kids and a long journey why make it even longer?

Dm is not destitute. Op has said they go out have meals, nice holidays etc She knows the family.

There are 2 people, the dad and the gran who have cars and drive who could take the kid and his mum but dm still wants op to do it.

Maybe it's time the kids own parents could step up and be there for him on his award day? Just a thought.

QuickThinkOfAName · 21/07/2019 12:25

Only on mumsnet would someone give unreciprocated lifts to and from an event for six months but when she has something planned that clashes SHE is the monster. Jesus.

Glad your dh sounds sane.

And I know you're lovely and want to continue the lifts next term but I would re-evaluate that on the basis of how she treated this as your problem to sort and all the emotional blackmail.

All this frothing at the mouth over the op being mean or a 'selfish twat' but bugger all about the poor kid going to an end of term presentation without any family to cheer him on.

IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 12:31

@Willow2017 where does OP mention dad with a car, or that grab has a car?

I think I missed some posts.

Willow2017 · 21/07/2019 12:35

but bugger all about the poor kid going to an end of term presentation without any family to cheer him on.

^^ this.

But then if the op was really kind she could arrange a taxi to take the whole family there and back! Shame on her for not suggesting this as apparently it's on her to help them find a way to solve 'her problem'.
😀😀

PeggySueOooOo · 21/07/2019 12:40

The OP is happy to do the other family a favour when it is convenient. It is not convenient this time so the other family need to figure out an alternative.

The OP should feel no guilt over this. She has kindly helped when able.

Nearly47 · 21/07/2019 13:04

You don't do so don't. She is making you feel guilt for not doing what is her duty. Some people are unbelievable. If you weren't there she would have to find a way. Maybe offer to take him but she has to sort his return

Willow2017 · 21/07/2019 13:06

his dad/other family can give him a lift back later in the day.

Op says the mum doesnt drive but obviously the dad does.

Imawomanontheedge · 21/07/2019 13:40

Chloemol
It’s not the OPs problem really is it. She’s taken this child for 6 months out the goodness of her heart but why should she change her plans because this woman cannot sort something out. Why can’t the child stay at his grans then the grandparent take him to and from the ceremony. Also would OP have room in the car if they are going straight in holiday ?

CallmeAngelina · 21/07/2019 13:40

his dad/other family can give him a lift back later in the day.
So, presumably, the dad has something he would prefer to do, or that rates higher in importance than seeing his son receive this award.
And yet the OP is meant to rate it highly enough to impact on her own family's holiday plans?
Only on MN.

CallmeAngelina · 21/07/2019 13:42

Also would OP have room in the car if they are going straight in holiday?
No, she has said that she realised a few days ago that the car would be rammed full of camping gear with no room for the boy.
Cue: posters suggesting that she give the boy's mother a lift as well.

scaryteacher · 21/07/2019 13:49

As for three days not being enough notice for the other mother - fgs, you can store and send off a nuclear submarine to sea in that time - what is so hard about sorting out another taxi or lift? I have rtft, so am aware that there is no question of poverty here.

I have acquaintances like this who when they have a problem, try to make it mine and for me to find solutions for them. I have, over the years, just stopped playing. Just because they slope their shoulders, doesn't mean I have to pick up the pieces.

Willow2017 · 21/07/2019 14:10

Callme
exactly!

Original poster
ByeByeBike · 21/07/2019 14:18

Just a quick update. She found someone on the Facebook group who offered a lift so the DC could go.

It was lovely, every child got a reward (best newcomer/most enthusiastic/hardest working/etc, etc)

We cheered loudly for every trophy, the DC didn't seem to mind his family not being there and we whatsapped a video of him collecting his award to his mum.

We will continue to give lifts next year, and do it happily.

Thank you for everyone's input. Cannot believe that nearly 3000 people bothered to vote about this Shock

OP posts: