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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 22/07/2019 15:23

That’s a good outcome and you’re very kind to keep doing the lifts. It’s a shame none of his family could be there to see him get his award

FrancisCrawford · 22/07/2019 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadintheiClouds · 22/07/2019 16:50

I am childishly amused by “don’t be wanker”...

Willow2017 · 22/07/2019 17:40

I did read the original post
Maybe read ops updates as well?

The thing with kids is they don’t understand the politics of parents they just feel disappointment when they are let down.

No politics involved. Just cf parents who think someone else should take on the responsibility to get their child somewhere even when its not convenient for them. The dad drives so why isnt he taking his wife and kid to the event to cheer him on?
A 10 yr old can easily understand the simple sentances "OP and her family are going on holiday so cant take you this week. We will find another way to get you there."

To let a child down on the very last one, the award day would have been a bad adult move
Op wasnt letting the child down his parents were. its not her job to be at their beck and call every week forever. Her family come first. Not being available once in 6 months is not letting anyone down!

Yes someone else took them so the child could attend and OP got to shave 20 Mins off her journey time
Could you guarentee it would only be 20 minutes? Do you know the traffic? OP would have had to double back on herself (even if she could have squeezed the kid in the car) probably adding more time onto her long journey. All it took from the mum was asking another parent if they could help and it was done. No need for the guilt tripping nor angst.

The biggest question is why the mum/ dad/ gran werent there to see their kid get the award? If its 'only' 20 mins away and they drive why didnt they bother their arses?

Turnitaroundagain · 22/07/2019 17:45

I’d stick to my guns. I’ve been in a situation where I helped someone with lifts for almost a year and she offered nothing by way of thanks. I can see now that it was total cheeky fuckery and I was completely used. For some daft reason I thought I should help her! If she’s never showed you any appreciation beyond words of thanks take that as a big sign that she is a taker and think no more of it.

Shootingstar1115 · 22/07/2019 17:45

It’s not your problem that she doesn’t drive. It sounds like she has relied heavily on you but realistically it was never your responsibility

She either needs to learn to drive, pay for taxis or get a bus.

What was she doing enrolling her son into something away from home when she can’t get there?

Teaandcake1000 · 22/07/2019 17:56

Willow2017

Oh dear,
Sorry I am wrong you are right.

Get back to your Boden catalogue darling and make sure you never need a favour

Willow2017 · 22/07/2019 18:01

Never seen a Boden catalogue in my life, sorry, can you lend me yours?.

Oh dear,
Sorry I am wrong you are right.

Glad you realise it Wink

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 22/07/2019 18:12

Badcat My mistake. "...and the majority of us thought the OP taking the child for the next sessions a lovely thing to do" I thought you were saying the ......."the next sessions" as in the next session on Sunday when awards would be given out. Blush

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2019 19:46

Great update 😊

simplekindoflife · 22/07/2019 20:09

Love your update OP.

YWNBU and the ds is lucky to have you!

Can't believe the cheeky fuckery of the mum though! She's had 6 months of free lifts, but she couldn't she put her hand in her pocket for one day for a taxi and go support her ds... pathetic and sad.

Does she even give you petrol money or the odd bottle of wine in thank yous?! I'd say sack them off next term but you can't because that's not fair on the poor lad.

Redshoesandtheblues · 22/07/2019 20:20

At least this allows you to say, very matter of fact, that there needs to be a Plan B in every week. Your DC could be ill, it clashes with another event etc.

SherbrookeFosterer · 23/07/2019 02:17

Some people see kindness as an opportunity to exploit.

It took me a long time to learn this skill, and I think you are still on the learning curve.

I am a bit tougher these days.

SherbrookeFosterer · 23/07/2019 02:18

What I mean is, I was often exploited because I was kind, but now I am tougher.

Sorry so badly expressed!

SagAloojah · 23/07/2019 07:06

@SherbrookeFosterer that made me lol Grin you sounded quite ruthless for a second Smile

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 07:12

Trouble is, on Mumsnet any kindness seems to be seen as weakness. Any favour must be reciprocated. It’s a tally chart mentality.

SagAloojah · 23/07/2019 07:19

I disagree, I think on MN kindness that’s taken for granted or exploited is seen as a weakness.

It doesn’t apply on this thread, OP was very clear about how much she was willing to do and did it, but I’ve lost count of the number of threads where women have said yes to things that don’t work for them because they’re too ‘non-confrontational’ or a ‘people pleaser’.

Aridane · 23/07/2019 08:49

I agree, bertrand

MsTSwift · 23/07/2019 08:59

I think that’s unfair Bertrand. The op was perfectly happy to give unreciprocated lifts for months but reached her very reasonable boundary.

What is more common is the recipients of such kindnesses taking them for granted and treating the favour providers as slightly incompetent staff with the insinuation they are being let down on the odd occasion the giving is not forth coming. That riles most reasonable people and the giver starts to feel like a mug. It’s not hard. If someone is doing you a favour you are appreciative and if they can’t do it occasionally you suck it up. And remain appreciative.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 09:08

“The op was perfectly happy to give unreciprocated lifts for months ”

Yes, but everyone told her she was being a mug....

IvanaPee · 23/07/2019 09:19

Yes, but everyone told her she was being a mug....

And those who said they would have taken the boy to his gran’s were accused of virtue signaling. Hmm

MsTSwift · 23/07/2019 09:22

That’s because they were. In spades. So very very kind

FrancisCrawford · 23/07/2019 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 09:33

“On this thread you have posters stating that OP now has a responsibility towards the boy and a duty to give hopim a lift,“
Not many!

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2019 09:35

And massively outweighed but the posters saying that she is doing a massive, gigantic, enormous favour by taking another child in her car to somewhere she is going already!

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