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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

362 replies

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:15

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

OP posts:
ysmaem · 19/07/2019 07:15

My step mom has always offered to help me do an end of tenancy clean whenever I've relocated. Usually she says she'll clean while we move all the furnishings, clothes etc. I would do the same for my children also.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 19/07/2019 07:16

I happily helped my DD to do her end of tenancy clean and a number of house moves too.
Why on earth would you refuse to offer help?
And I am quite happy to help in any other way too, that's what you do as a parent.

FamilyOfAliens · 19/07/2019 07:19

I don't understand why this is such a big deal.

OP, when the time comes, just refuse to help clean your DC’s flat to return deposit standards and insist they do it themselves.

Others - me included - will just get on with helping their DC, and using it as an opportunity to have a nice lunch or dinner out. Not to mention ensuring we get our £1000 deposit back Smile

User8888888 · 19/07/2019 07:19

I agree with the OP. I would help with moving but I wouldn’t be spending a day cleaning up the grime in a house of 21 year olds. If my child was really desperate, I’d rather give them money to pay for an end of tenancy clean. Chance are they’ll be moving from rented property to rented property over the next few years. When do they become old enough to clean up?

AuntieStella · 19/07/2019 07:20

I would help my DC.

Helping out family members is simply a nice thing to do, and good in itself (regardless of age and competency)

As an adult, I should sort out my own tech. I'm delighted that my teens help me with it. It's mutual niceness and helpfulness

pepsimax20bigger · 19/07/2019 07:22

I don't see the problem with this. I thought you were going to say a weekly clean.
I'm perfectly capable of cleaning but people have helped me before at certain times just like I've helped them.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/07/2019 07:25

jennymanara there’s always so much you ‘don’t understand’ anyone would think it’s just a way to get a rise out of posters🤷🏻‍♀️

Do stop with the faux ‘I don’t understand Bollocks’ - it’s tedious, you’re just a GF

Unicornsdosparkle · 19/07/2019 07:25

If that's the worst thing you've got to be shocked about your very lucky. I think it's absolutely normal for parents to help in this way.

Stopyourhavering64 · 19/07/2019 07:25

My ds is at Uni 7 hr drive away, he's put his belongings in storage over the summer as I'm not well enough to drive to bring him home and certainly not fit enough to do any cleaning for him!
His flat has had flat inspections over the year and he and his flatmates have cleaned up as necessary....I'm not a helicopter parent!

Alsohuman · 19/07/2019 07:26

An end of tenancy clean has to be to operating theatre standards, any excuse to withhold the deposit is grabbed with both hands. I’d definitely do it.

TheFirstOHN · 19/07/2019 07:26

A lot of parents offer to pick their adult offspring up from university at the end of the academic year; most undergraduates don't own a car and most people would not be able to carry all their belongings on public transport.

Once they are there, it would seem a natural kindness to help a family member with an end-of-tenancy clean, especially if a couple of hundred pounds is resting on the outcome.

DH and I were prepared to assist DS1 (19) with both removal and cleaning; in the end we couldn't because our car broke down on the way there. He managed to clean the flat and get his stuff back home without our help.

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2019 07:26

We did it for DS2. He was the last one to move out of his student house and his housemates were filthy animals. Me and DH drove over 100 miles and helped him clean the communal areas, the carpets, oven and his room. We left the other bedrooms because they weren't his responsibility. Me and DH have cleaned military houses when we've marched out so that student house was like a new pin when he left it.

I don't believe in the mindset of some MNetters that as soon as your kids hit their teenage years they should be doing everything themselves and once they're 18, that's it they're adults so don't need help. It's simply not true and is a sure fire way to alienate your kids imo. My 24yo is coming home tonight from a gruelling 4 week course and exercise with the army. I'll do his laundry while he's outside sorting all his outdoorsy stuff because there's just not enough hours in the weekend for him to get it all done by himself and sleep.

BlueSkiesLies · 19/07/2019 07:28

End of tenancy clean is a nightmare and you only have a short amount of time to get it done, seeing as you’re living there and everyone changes over on the same day! There’s no cross over.

TattiePants · 19/07/2019 07:29

I’m 45 and my DM still cleans my house from time to time. My auntie is in her late 50s and until very recently, my DM also cleaned her house sometimes. My DM actually likes cleaning and loves helping her family.

BlueSkiesLies · 19/07/2019 07:30

My mum and me did the end of tenancy clean for my sibling when they were about 30! They were working shifts in a hospital, and were on a crazy shift pattern on moving day.

imjustanerd · 19/07/2019 07:31

I agree with you op, 21 years old is an adult.

itisthecause · 19/07/2019 07:32

I hate this idea that helping anyone over the age 18 equates to them not being an adult. I helped my son move out and clean from a rental property at uni, I had paid over £1000 of deposit and a landlord who I didn't trust. My son had done most of the cleaning and packing before I came to help. His landlord did try to withhold some if his deposit as he stated house needed a professional clean, something that was not done before he had moved in. He was also at the property when he moved out and saw us both cleaning and of course said nothing. He did eventually refund in full. My son worked very hard for his degree, held a job for 3 years often working very long shifts, he was always grateful for the small amount of help we gave and I am always grateful to him when he's home and he helps me - such as getting something out of the loft, or cutting the grass! There's a balance.

rosedream · 19/07/2019 07:33

My son has done both of his end of tenancy cleans so far.
He is the muckiest lad I know but when the chips were down the adult came out and he got on with it. I just had to hope that he would.

He is very lucky as he has a car and so was able to load it up rather than trying to clean round it. It would have been impossible otherwise.

The house did it together and because they didn't normally clean I think it was a novelty rather than chore !

AquaPris · 19/07/2019 07:44

half the time the mess is caused by other housemates - it used to take me and my other (poor) friend about 6 hours to clean it as the others weren't bothered about deposits so just left it as a state. They didn't even empty their fridge Angry

Candymay · 19/07/2019 07:45

My son is older than that. It’s just the sort of thing I do for him! He is now living abroad - too far for visits- and he said it feels strange that he moved somewhere without me doing all the cleaning and settling him in. For the first time he had to be alone. He’s 30. I bloody adore him and I’m a worrier and a fusser. Not saying I’m right so no one needs to tell me off please!

crimsonlake · 19/07/2019 07:46

You clearly have no children.
I have done this for the last 4 years for my 2 at uni. Of course I would help them move and do a clean to ensure they get their extortionate deposit back. It is one of the things you do to help your children.

grumiosmum · 19/07/2019 07:49

In Mumsnet-land we are always castigated for wanting to help out our adult children.

Totally bizarre. Apparently once a child turns 18 you should never do anything for them, ever.

I got criticised on here once for reminding my asthmatic & forgetful 20-year-old to make an appointment for a flu jab that might have saved his life.

grumiosmum · 19/07/2019 07:51

Also my DS & his housemates are currently having a dispute with their Uni landlord about the deposit on their house, due to 'dust'.

I wish I had been there to oversee the final clean! I did help him move out.

overnightangel · 19/07/2019 07:54

“I hate this idea that helping anyone over the age 18 equates to them not being an adult”

Exactly.
There’s a lot of martyrs on this thread as well

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2019 07:55

21 years old is an adult.

So what? I'm 48 and still need help with some things.