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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

362 replies

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:15

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

OP posts:
TigerTooth · 19/07/2019 01:06

Sorry Op- another cleaning mother here.
Im in London, my son of 21 is in Manchester uni, I drove up last year to have a big clean up at end of tenancy and will do so again next week.
We clean up together with flatmates and some other parents and then go for a nice supper and hotel, return to London next morning.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 19/07/2019 01:07

But I am obviously alone in thinking a 21 year old man should be perfectly capable of doing an end of tenancy clean without having his mother travelling miles to spend hours cleaning

He might have needed the help or she might have wanted to help. Who knows.

Actually moving furniture etc to clean is really tricky on your own own.

But I feel old all the time. YANBU to feel old!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 19/07/2019 01:10

Its just not a students priority to keep on top of things op

Have you ever been a student? I well remember the state of not just my room but my housemates rooms and the shared areas. And to be honest they're pretty cheap and grubby to start with. And student landlords aren't best known for being easy going and giving deposits back.

An end of tenancy clean is very different to a weekly clean. And is part of moving.
In fact have you never moved? Do you not deep clean everywhere and i kean every where when you move or do you let the people that moved in to your house move in to a place thats a bit grubby. (And every ones house gets grubby even if you clean it weekly or daily)

Cos i don't really understand why you don't understand thus wasn't a normal clean.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/07/2019 01:15

My mum's helped me in the past with an end of tenancy clean, not because I'm incapable but because it's a massive job and it's good to have an outsiders eye for the minor details that can be overlooked.
I'd also do the same for my kids.

Original poster
jennymanara · 19/07/2019 01:21

@namechange He is in a house share. So there are others there to help if he needs to move furniture to clean.

And as I have already said, I have done the big deep house clean many times to get my deposit back.

OP posts:
Thatoneoverthere · 19/07/2019 01:23

I think clean for and clean with make a huge difference, like loads have said its a massive job but if I turned up and it was revolting because they'd done nothing I'd walk back out again.

Blahblahblahnanana · 19/07/2019 01:23

Christ I feel old. When I was young, which was admittedly a long time ago, I lived in plenty of house shared with shitty landlords. We didn't even have protected deposits. I have done the incredibly thorough clean stuff. And no one I knew back then had a parent coming to clean for them

Yes, you are old and showing your age! do you not realise how much people pay for rental properties nowadays? Deposits on rental properties are usually one months rent which can be in excess of £1000! People need their deposits back so that they can pay it towards another rental property, so of course they’re going to do a deep clean do ensue they can get their money back! It’s a lot of bloody money to lose! 😡

Birdie6 · 19/07/2019 01:26

My son is 29 and I have done it. He is a single dad , and there are not enough hours in the day for him to do everything. I do a really good job, make the place sparkle, and he takes me out for dinner . It's just a nice thing to do.

Blahblahblahnanana · 19/07/2019 01:29

Some people who live in house shares are dirty bastards! Why should your friends son lose his deposit because his flat mates didn’t keep the home clean and tidy?

Watchfulwaiter · 19/07/2019 01:32

Having had to move myself and four kids four times in two years through rented houses, I well know the difficulty of the final deep clean where you struggle to get your deposit back from a reluctant landlord. These days, it's usually not the landlord, but someone whose job it is to find flaws. I learned the hard way that every last corner of the residence must be photograhed and emailed to the agency within hours of collecting the keys to provide the necessary proof that, no, we didn't cause that hole in the fireplace etc.

And now, after divorce money came through, and a homeowner again, I go every year to help my kids clean their student flats. I take the before photos for them too. They don't realise how manipulative people in power can be, I think. That is only learnt with experience. I have long thought 21 a better age for adulthood.

HarrietSchulenberg · 19/07/2019 01:35

When I was 21 (and 20, 22 and 23) I did my own cleaning with my housemates when we moved house. Our landlords on each occasion did not initially return our deposits and tried to bill us for additional (and fictitious) cleaning.

Unfortunately student landlords are notoriously "scrupulous" about standards of cleanliness and general repair when tenants leave, but considerably less so when letting.

We appealed via the student housing association on each occasion and eventually had our deposits returned. I imagine your friend was trying to avoid that scenario by giving absolutely no chance for a dispute, and good on her.

Blahblahblahnanana · 19/07/2019 01:36

To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

YABU! a deposit is a lot of money to lose in comparison to the cost of family help and the cost of cleaning products to help secure getting the deposit back. And in general people can be dirty bastards, so best to clean yourself to help ensure you get the deposit back rather than relying on others...

findingmyfeet12 · 19/07/2019 01:36

My sister has done this for my brother at his uni accommodation.

He's capable but he's our little brother and why not help him when we can? He'll have to do things for himself when we're not around but while we can we'll always help. It's what families do.

shieldmaidenofrohan · 19/07/2019 01:36

Blimey, my MIL came to help us when we moved out of our rental. And I was 41 ! It was a big house and it took 5 of us to get it looking immaculate.
I didn't realise adults weren't supposed to help each other because we are all old enough to do it ourselves Hmm

Derbee · 19/07/2019 01:37

YABU. Families help each other when they can, in my experience. I’ve gone to do this for both my siblings, and parents.

IamWaggingBrenda · 19/07/2019 01:37

What business is it of yours anyway? So what if she cleaned or helped clean her son’s shared house? Perhaps whoever he shared with left a terrible mess. But again, not really your business, is it.

Strokethefurrywall · 19/07/2019 01:41

Stop digging OP. As a 21 year old living away from home, I wouldn't have been capable of cleaning to "return deposit" standards because it would have been the first time I'd ever lived away from home!!

Yes of course an adult should know how to keep a house clean, but find me any uni student who is wise enough to know that they need to scrub skirting boards before they're able to get a deposit back.

Frankly, I'd not be surprised if his parents stumped up the accommodation deposit and were ensuring they get it back...

GibbonLover · 19/07/2019 01:56

I don't mean to be sexist but...

There is 'young man' clean and there is 'experienced mother' clean. Only one of these is thorough.

thethethethethe · 19/07/2019 02:09

I agree with you OP. It's a shared house - so there are several adults living there, who will share in the work of cleaning it. Can't see any need for yet another adult to spend a lot of time, energy and petrol driving miles to help with the cleaning. It's infantalising a group of 21 year olds.

thethethethethe · 19/07/2019 02:10

Having said that, if I had paid the deposit and was at risk of losing it, I might show up and supervise.

notangelinajolie · 19/07/2019 02:18

After she graduated, DH went to DD's student house armed with mop and bleach and helped her clean it. She was the last of her friends to move out and non of them had cleaned anything before they left. Her dad did the dad thing and dropped everything and went to rescue his daughter. They left it spotless and she got her deposit back. Job done - what is wrong with that? Why not help? It cost nothing but time, I really don't see the problem.

bevelino · 19/07/2019 02:22

I would definitely help my dcs do an end of tenancy clean to ensure they got their deposit back. OP in my dd’s tenancy agreement it states the property must be professionally cleaned at the end of the tenancy.

transformandriseup · 19/07/2019 02:26

It’s a one off clean. It’s not like she does it weekly.

When we cleaned our flat to put it on the market OH mum came over to help and let us know how it would look to a 3rd party. We were 30.

StoppinBy · 19/07/2019 02:30

Just because someone is perfectly capable of doing something doesn't mean you don't give them a hand.

People are perfectly capable of opening a door for themselves but it's nice to do it for them.

My husband is perfectly capable of unloading and packing away the shopping by himself but we do it together.

We help people with lots of things every day, why would this be any different?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/07/2019 02:37

Nah, mine are all adults perfectly capable of cleaning their own flats. And if they don’t get their deposits back, well they’ve learned for next time.

Most I’ve done is stood over them and pointed out the bits they’ve missed. No way would I clean up after other people’s kids.

I did once make 18 year old DS and his mate tidy up their halls flat after a Christmas party. I turned up ready to bring them home and they were ready to skip off and leave the place in a right state for the cleaner. I gave them a dressing down about treating people respectfully and they bagged up about a thousand cans and the worst of the mess. But I didn’t help, I just gave instructions.

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