Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

362 replies

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:15

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

OP posts:
CaravanHero · 20/07/2019 11:01

I think for an end of tenancy clean it is all hands on deck

Me too.

I’m moving soon and my mum and mil are coming to help me do the end clean whilst dh and his brother do the move.

I’m a 32 year old mother of 3 and more than capable of cleaning my own house - but an end of tenancy clean just is different imo

No matter how clean you are generally, houses always seem grubby and mucky to me once all the stuff is gone and there’s nowhere for the dust and crumbs and scuffs to hide 😂 and it’s needs to be perfect to get the deposit back 🤷🏻‍♀️

SkelterHelter · 20/07/2019 11:09

I'm with you OP. From your posts, it reads as if the mother did the cleaning for the son, not that she helped him. He could have, and should have been able to do it himself. Interesting how it's the women who help their children in this way (who also interestingly, appear to generally be sons rather than daughters). Where are all the men rushing to clean their daughters uni accommodation?

BookBookBook · 20/07/2019 12:03

But that sounds perfectly reasonable, @bowchicawowwow -- I think the OP, and many others on the thread, are talking about defaulting to way more than this, and infantilising their adult children.

sonjadog · 20/07/2019 14:14

I know plenty of men who have helped their children clean out apartments. But they aren’t mentioned here because most of the posters on Mumsnet are women.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 22/07/2019 09:34

Oh, and I still remember with shock and amusement the one that came to the university open day with his mother!

The vast majority of youngsters we saw at university open days when we went looking WITH our DD had parents with them. These youngsters are only 18 and appreciate someone with more life experience to ask questions they may not have thought of or to bounce ideas off. Also our daughters university education/life has cost US several thousand pounds on top of the nearly £40k of debt built up by DD so of course our opinion mattered. DD moved out of her 6 person shared rental at the end of June and all the parents were there at some point in that last week helping with the final clean .... landlord is still dragging his feet about returning the deposits though....

Original poster
jennymanara · 22/07/2019 16:00

Yes I know parents tend to go to open university days now. That is because teenagers are infanatilisised so in general they are way less mature than was common 30 years ago.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 22/07/2019 16:07

My parents came with me nearly 40 years ago to an Open Day. They'd never been to university and wanted to see and help me decide.
It was the norm when I was that age - tbf only about 6 from my school year went to university.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2019 16:07

Oh, and I still remember with shock and amusement the one that came to the university open day with his mother!

I think you were probably less sophisticated than you thought if that was shocking and amusing Grin

alittlerayofsunshine · 22/07/2019 16:09

@jennymanara

YABU. Nothing wrong with helping your (adult) offspring clean their uni room. I did it and so did everyone I know.

bellinisurge · 22/07/2019 16:14

Why wouldn't you help an adult family member if they asked you?

RuthW · 22/07/2019 16:16

I helped my student daughter do hers. Perfectly normal.

EnoughLifeLessons · 22/07/2019 16:19

I’m early 30s and my parents are travelling across countries to help me move house next week...For the record, I didn’t ask for any help but they want to and it’s greatly appreciated. It’s a big job and extra help is great. That’s what some families do, they help each other out. Doesn’t mean I can’t manage as an adult nor that my mum is a mug.

lifeinthedeep · 22/07/2019 16:22

“...they don’t miraculously become adults just because they are uni students”.

A 21 year old is an adult. As a 22 year old who went to uni and moved out with no help, I find it incredibly hilarious to see people infantilising their offspring in this way.

You’re not doing your dependent little bundles a favour here. In the real world people don’t come and clean your house for free because they care about your deposit for you. You’re literally fostering a generation of entitled, immature little brats- many of whom I had the displeasure of meeting at uni.

Original poster
jennymanara · 22/07/2019 16:41

@bellinisurge No idea where you went to school or uni, but 40 years ago a lot of unis did not even have open days.

OP posts:
Original poster
jennymanara · 22/07/2019 16:43

A university student is legally an adult. You may not see your precious baby as an adult, but legally they are.

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 22/07/2019 16:58

They may legally be adults, but not financially.

I am happy to help friends. I am happy to help student children. It seems a very sad world where people do not support each other.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2019 17:00

No idea where you went to school or uni, but 40 years ago a lot of unis did not even have open days

My dad’s parents went with HIM to open days....

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2019 17:01

You’re literally fostering a generation of entitled, immature little brats- many of whom I had the displeasure of meeting at uni

WinkYup no chip on YOUR shoulder

Rachelover40 · 22/07/2019 17:07

"Back in the day 21 year olds fought for their country. Some of this batch of 21 year olds can’t even clean their own house."

Yes but those who came home from fighting for their country usually married fairly quickly and thereafter had a wife to do everything for them.

Original poster
jennymanara · 22/07/2019 17:09

@jacqueshammer Then you sound an unusual family.

18 year olds are legally adults. I understand that some families help their adult children financially, especially if they are in full time education. But many don't. That is a choice. It might be a wise choice in ensuring your adult children do as well as they can, but it is a choice. Whereas supporting your under 18 children is a legal responsibility. Which is why you can be taken to court for abuse if you fail to do this.

I agree that society is becoming less kind and caring and more individualistic. So anyone having issues in the workplace should be going to the union, not getting their parents to intervene.

OP posts:
Original poster
jennymanara · 22/07/2019 17:17

Also the whole narrative about how baby boomers had it so good. Some did. Middle class able bodied heterosexual white men did best of all. But many of those baby boomers some rally about suffered hardship that is unimaginable now. So single mothers imprisoned for many years in mental hospitals, gay men given electro shock therapy and chemical castration, disabled people denied any proper education and treated like idiots. I could go on.
I know friends targeted by the BNP who found a car bomb under their car. The police told them they had to leave their home that day as they were going to be murdered - they received no official help from anyone to get somewhere else and instead sofa surfed until they had enough deposit from their job to rent somewhere new.
I saw for myself the very different response from the police after a friend was targeted as a hate crime by neighbours, and how they responded 30 years ago when it happened to me.

Yes young people have their own stresses that we did not have, such as social media and online bullying. But it is rubbish to say all baby boomers lived a blessed life compared to young people today.

Every generation has its own challenges.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 22/07/2019 17:18

18 year olds are legally adults. I understand that some families help their adult children financially, especially if they are in full time education. But many don't. That is a choice. It might be a wise choice in ensuring your adult children do as well as they can, but it is a choice. Whereas supporting your under 18 children is a legal responsibility. Which is why you can be taken to court for abuse if you fail to do this

All this “x year olds are legally adults” is nonsense.

My parents moved in their 50s. I helped because you know, that’s what families DO.

It’s a tragically sad dynamic when a normal healthy mutually helpful relationship is seen as infantilising.

alittlerayofsunshine · 22/07/2019 17:27

What a thoroughly horrible thread. Sad

alittlerayofsunshine · 22/07/2019 17:29

And sad too.

alittlerayofsunshine · 22/07/2019 17:30

Why do you have such a problem with parents helping their adult children @jennymanara ? Confused

Sounds like you're projecting a lot of your own issues onto others.

It's none of your business what people do for their adult children. I have always helped mine with moving in AND out of uni accommodation, (and also their homes when they moved in with partners.) DH helped too. We love helping them, and they help us when we need help. With ANYthing. That's what family does. (as @jaqueshammer said.)

I feel sad for you that you feel the way you do. Must be quite hard to be so negative and sour. Your comments like 'you are infantilizing your offspring' and 'your precious baby is an adult, whether you like it or not' are very spiteful and mean. And I must have missed the memo where we were all told that adults should not ever help other adults in life!!! Confused

You sound bitter, and a bit angry that others like to help their offspring? Why is that? As I said, it sounds like you are projecting your issues. I think you need to look into WHY you are so bitter, and annoyed by people who like to help their own offspring - even as adults.

I agree with a pp that you have a chip on your shoulder.

Parents helping their offspring (even when they are adults,) is NOT unusual. Maybe in YOUR world, but not for many other people. As I said, I feel sorry for you, that you are so sour and bitter.