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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

362 replies

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:15

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 19/07/2019 07:55

I would do this for my 21 year old I don't see the issue at all

londonloves · 19/07/2019 07:55

I would absolutely do this for my son.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 19/07/2019 07:57

My 20 year old son doesnt live at home and is very capable and independent but I help him out with quite a few things that you would probably be shocked about. Very few people know (because you cant tell by looking at him and he keeps it quiet) that my son has a chronic illness which makes some practical tasks very difficult for him. Most Mums would want to help with an end of tenancy clean I think, and there may be other reasons why she has done it. It could be that you dont know all the facts.

Vulpine · 19/07/2019 07:57

I help out my kids plenty. Just not cleaning. No way.

Ijustwanttoretire · 19/07/2019 08:01

Do you have DC that are over 21 OP? I am guessing not, but if you have well done in raising what appears to be pretty much the only 21 yo that can clean to an end of tenancy level!

FamilyOfAliens · 19/07/2019 08:04

I'm not a helicopter parent!

You clearly misunderstand the term.

LIZS · 19/07/2019 08:07

Did similar a few weeks ago although ds and his housemate (and his mum! ) had already tackled the basics. We just scrubbed kitchen hob, surfaces and sink and generally freshened the place up. What passes for clean in eyes of a 21 yo is not necessarily the same as a ll would agree. Why potentially sacrifice a deposit if you can avoid it? A professional clean would have been £300+.

RosemarysBush · 19/07/2019 08:08

YABU. Of course DH and I helped our 22yo son clean up after we’d loaded the car with his university stuff at the end of term. He was the last one left in the house and it was a big job.
We could have just sat and watched him, drinking tea, or gone down the pub, but that would be rude imo!

Cside · 19/07/2019 08:09

I can't get worked up about it. I'd do it and my mum has done similar with me to help me out before.

In fact, my mum still can't help herself tidying when she comes to visit now Grin

reluctantbrit · 19/07/2019 08:16

My colleague just did this. I had help from my parents cleaning a flat when moving. It is not about not knowing what to do it is helping family.

And often a end of tendency clean is only possible when all items are gone, furnitures have to be moved around to clean behind them etc. When we had our cleaner in for a deep cleaner after building work she came with a second one in order to move things around and clean properly.

thethethethethe · 19/07/2019 08:18

Driving for several hours to clean when the flatmates are on the spot? Madness. Environmentally too. If they're too lazy to clean, they can pool some money and pay for a cleaner.
If the deposit is protected, it's difficult for the landlord to withhold it. Just do a reasonable clean (not you, the people actually living there).

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 08:20

My Mum still cleans my already clean home every time she visits. It’s kinda what some Mum’s do.

MadamHattie · 19/07/2019 08:20

We helped ds1 and his housemates with their end of tenancy clean. They had just sat really intensive exams which they studied hours upon hours for. Cleaning was the last thing they were thinking of so was more than happy to help them out.

pictish · 19/07/2019 08:21

“In Mumsnet-land we are always castigated for wanting to help out our adult children.

Totally bizarre. Apparently once a child turns 18 you should never do anything for them, ever.”

Oh God this. People who spout off about late teens/early twenties being a ‘grown man/woman’ either still have little kids and haven’t reached that stage of parenting yet...or else their own young person is mature and sussed in a way many are not.
I have a nearly 18 yr old and my young person has mince for brains at the moment. He is not a ‘grown man’ or anything approaching that yet. He’s a daft lad working it all out in stages. I’m just taking it one “Are you fucking kidding me?!” at a time.

Anyhoo...it doesn’t matter. I understand this woman helping with the deep clean. We tend to help the people we love, particularly our children. No need to be so caustic OP. How old are your children?

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 19/07/2019 08:21

I've done this for my sister, never mind my child: mix of providing a car for moving boxes to the new pad and helping ! First flat after uni, living with a gang of new workers, not quite kept on top of the cleaning. Their standards of clean were NOT end of tenancy, and they couldn't afford a professional clean/removals team. I'd do it for my kids at a shot (assuming, obv that they and their flatmates were helping, not just leaving me to it!)

Moondancer73 · 19/07/2019 08:22

I'm a cleaner and I can tell you that an end of tenancy clean is VERY different than normal cleaning. What is it that you can't understand about a parent helping a child?

JaceLancs · 19/07/2019 08:22

I would help and have done so for my DS that did not mean I did it for him
DS is quite good at cleaning - but I did used to go down on moving out day help pack - he had no transport and I have a big car (things like PC, TV, fridge to move) we would clean together
Generally he would take me out for a meal as a thank you

growlingbear · 19/07/2019 08:23

I'd definitely do it. Because it's something they've not done before. I'd expect DS to keep a rented place in reasonable state week by week. But wouldn't expect him to know you have to wash all the woodwork, move all the furniture to hoover underneath it etc. And OP it is help with moving. They've just done finals, they are moving house, leaving friends, starting the world of work. It's a massive and stressful life change and it's massively important imo that families all support each other during such times.

Jenniferturkington · 19/07/2019 08:25

When I was at uni I distinctly remember there being times at the end of every tenancy when there were a few parents knocking about armed with heavy duty cleaning products.

It’s totally different to going in and cleaning each week or doing their washing each week. It’s a big job, often combined with moving out, I can’t see why you don’t see it as reasonable that a parent would go and help. Also, it doesn’t matter if it’s a dd or ds.

zsazsajuju · 19/07/2019 08:25

@jennymanara an end of tenancy clean is a huge amount of work to be done in a short time. Entirely normal for family to help out if it’s not being done professionally (expect about £200 or so for that). If she doesn’t help and he doesn’t get his deposit back, it will disadvantage his mum too.

You are obviously not a private renter.

Widgetsframe · 19/07/2019 08:28

Ya I.A check out clean isn’t just a normal clean. Where I live it’s normal to pay a lot money to guarantee that you get your deposit back

ginghamtablecloths · 19/07/2019 08:31

If you are old enough to leave home you really should be able to do your own cleaning, no matter how intensive it may be. It's goes with the territory of being a proper grown-up.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 19/07/2019 08:32

DH and I always help our DD with the end of tenancy cleans and move (2 hour drive in good traffic). I also helped my Brother with his final clean on the day he sold his house. Normal family behaviour surely.

TheTeaFairy · 19/07/2019 08:34

I've done this for my daughter (when she was 20).

My mum did it for me when I was 40 and had two young children to deal with as well as the EOT cleaning.

On both occasions the bond between us grew. It's all good!

TatianaLarina · 19/07/2019 08:35

OP you’re absolutely right.

Back in the day 21 year olds fought for their country. Some of this batch of 21 year olds can’t even clean their own house.