To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

[jennymanara]

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

But honestly, it was so much fun and so empowering to plan my trip myself as an applicant to uni, to the open day. It was the first time I'd travelled that far on my own (aged 17). I remember planning it meticulously, with train schedules and so on, and being so pleased when it all worked out, and having a great time. I can't imagine tagging my mother or father along. They did drop me off at uni when I arrived in first year, thereafter I was totally independent. I'm sure they would have helped me if I had asked, but by second year, I was cycling across Europe on my own, by third year, I was doing Erasmus and living in a foreign country, on my own (with help from the uni) and just liked to get on with things. Most other people did too, although there were always some who didn't. I just don't think I would have had so much fun with my parents cropping up into my university life. I have to say, despite that, no great disasters ever befell me.

It’s a tragically sad dynamic when a normal healthy mutually helpful relationship is seen as infantilising.

But going to uni as a student isn't really very hard to do on your own. Things like buying a house and furnishing it, or being in hospital are.

But going to uni as a student isn't really very hard to do on your own

And yet your parents dropped you off

I can't imagine tagging my mother or father along

I think that perfectly illustrates the difference in dynamic. My parents didn’t “tag along”, my father came because I respect and value his input (mum being a teacher couldn’t take time off). It wasn’t because I wasn’t capable, it was an adult choice I made.

It was common years ago for parents to drop 18 year olds off at uni because they needed a car to transport what they were taking, and back then few new university students could afford a car. Those who did not have parents dropping them off, and there were some, only took what they could carry on a train journey.

It was common years ago for parents to drop 18 year olds off at uni because they needed a car to transport what they were taking, and back then few new university students could afford a car. Those who did not have parents dropping them off, and there were some, only took what they could carry on a train journey

Right....so indeed helping their “adult” child then....

Right....so indeed helping their “adult” child then....

Yep. One drop off at the start of uni. That's all the help I really needed. It didn't even occur to me to ask one of my parents to come to university open days with me. I mean, what do they do when you chat with other prospective applicants? Hide in the toilets?

I learned so much just from going to that university open day on my own. I keep talking about it because I guess it was my first true move towards being independent, and I'm so glad I had it at 17 because it made things much easier.

I did have a housemate once whose parents constantly pestered the landlord so much, he asked her to leave. They complained about the furniture provided, the bills, the warmth of the house, the climate outside, and so on. The rest of us had no issues with the house, it was lovely as student houses go. But the parents' constant interference drove a wedge between us and I question what she learned from that experience. That actually meant that we had to clean her room for her when she moved out.

I mean, what do they do when you chat with other prospective applicants? Hide in the toilets?

Spoke to the other parents...it’s the kind of social situation that’s terribly easy to navigate unless you’re utterly gauche.

I keep talking about it because I guess it was my first true move towards being independent, and I'm so glad I had it at 17 because it made things much easier

You don’t think personality types come into this? I didn’t need to move towards independence. I just did it. No drama or hardship.

Have you never asked your parents for advice and help once you became an adult OP? Do you expect your children (if you have any) not to ask for help and not to expect you to offer help and advice once they become adults? I find this very strange and a little bit sad if I'm honest.

Parents accompany their kids to university open days now, because more often than not they're paying towards it. And they want to know that their money's being spent wisely. I don't even spend £50 on something without checking the reviews.

When I went to uni I went to the open day on my own, because my parents had nothing to do with how it was funded. I'm pretty sure that had their money been involved, they'd have been wanting to be involved.

Why is it shocking for a parent to help her adult child?
Of course if she didn’t want to she could he magic word. No!

She could use the magic word .

I wouldn't have helped my son clean his uni digs but only because I used to retch in his kitchen and bathroom they were so disgusting. If he wanted to live in such squalor with his flat mates and lose his deposit that was up to them.

18 year olds are legally adults. I understand that some families help their adult children financially, especially if they are in full time education. But many don't. That is a choice.

Not a choice as such. DD is clever and ambitious so university was the sensible choice for her, we HAD to pay a large chunk to it because of the way student finance is means tested. Not all uni courses allow time for the student to earn enough money to cover the difference between the maintenance loan and rent and living costs it clearly is considered to be the parents responsibility or these “adults” would be able to get free prescriptions etc based on their lack of income but they can’t because family income is taken consideration NO CHOICE.

I mean, what do they do when you chat with other prospective applicants? Hide in the toilets?

Talk to other parents and have coffee whilst being available for opinions when sought....