Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

He is showing you who he is. You can either accept it or not. Talking round and round changes nothing.

In fact, if he does what you anticipate the one thing that might get through to him is you going ahead yourself. Tell him you need to leave at x in the morning. He needs to be fit to drive. If he is not home by x he won't be. If he is not then get yourself to the airport. Prepare for him to arrive or not and get on holiday regardless.

If not be prepared for a lifetime of this. Worse if DC arrive.

If you are naturally quite anxious being with someone like him is the worst thing you can do. The way to feel calm and in control of your life i to surround yourself with adults, so that you are not constantly carrying the responsibility all of the time, you can relax.

You sound like you are on different wave lengths entirely. Maybe you could join him for drinks, both rock up at the airport a few sheets to the wind and have some fun, but I suspect that is not your style, and never will be.
Being incompatible becomes harder once you throw marriage and children into the mix, it will be a life sentence in the end for you as you end up doing the donkey work and he gets to have all the fun.

The biggest issue is how he speaks to you! If he's doing this now, when you're engaged, imagine a few years down the line. He needs to go! Sorry OP

Regarding the MH, this has been an issue for me since around 14 (that's when I was diagnosed with GAD/OCD). Not caused by him but exacerbated perhaps.
I was in an abusive relationship (physical/emotional) from 16-20 and then met current DP.

I think it only impacts on him around situations like this, when something would impact me. He doesn't really listen to me when I know best almost out of spite and it's landed him in some shitty situations (for example, doing an experimental lesson for an observation that I said not to as it won't work. He was adamant, then had to redo it as it went wrong.)

I am very concerned about the fact I am marrying him now, I guess some people won't change. He's usually a good partner until we argue. He is a bad arguer.

I tried to communicate as an adult when this first came up. He seemed understanding. It's only until another teacher has told him the plan for the night out that he's suddenly acting like a teenager and saying he will do what he wants.

He also said 'why should I care how you feel?'

Go on your own and think about moving on from this relationship.

He doesn’t love or cherish you.

You deserve better, and can do better x

'why should I care how you feel?'

Replay that sentence.

Now tell me you are not still in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Op, until you realise this is not a normal or acceptable way to treat someone you love and care for, I fear you will continue to be in negative toxic relationships.

On the plus side, at least now you can see who he is, before you were married and had children and you can choose something better for your life (and for those of your future children)

How you feel should be number one for him, followed by everything else.

He really will be worse if you have children with him I’m afraid. Relationships are so tough with kids and you will do it all alone. He is showing you massive red flags about how selfish he is- do NOT have children with him. Sorry xx

I am very concerned about the fact I am marrying him now

You're still intending to marry him?

I was in an abusive relationship (physical/emotional) from 16-20 and then met current DP.

So you've never been in a relationship where a man treats you with respect and consideration? That explains a lot. And why you're still with this awful man who treats you badly and says horrible things to you. He sounds quite spiteful.

OP you can do so much better than this. You need to end things with this man as it will only get worse if you don't.

@pillowtlki you are currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. Use the time on vacation (whether he’s there or not) to outline how to get your affairs in order and leave.

Do not feel guilty about calling off the wedding. People won’t mind and will want you to feel safe. In all seriousness, some of your friends and family may have already noticed his bad attitude towards you and would feel relieved.

And for all things holy DO NOT GET PREGNANT! Shore up your contraception and make sure it’s absolutely bullet proof. The last thing you need is to be saddled to this asshole for the next 18 years even if you split up. If you think he’s childish now, ironically, just wait until there’s a baby involved.

Do the Freedom Programme to help understand how to break the cycle.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time)

If he actually said this you have much bigger problems than him going out.

I've been married 18 years. In that time we will have both made requests of each other and never once viewed it as controlling. If it's important to my DH then I take that seriously and vice versa. Marriage is about mutually putting your spouse before yourself, if only one of you does this it doesn't work.
Please consider that you may need some counsel before you marry him. I'm not sure you are compatible by what you have written.

You need to do the freedom programme

There is no way I would marry him. Sorry op, but if you think you have problems now they will pale into insignificance when you start having children, managing larger life problems and not having someone that truly has your back

He's usually a good partner until we argue. He is a bad arguer.

This stands out to me, because my husband and I bicker frequently, and argue occasionally.

But actually I think how we handle it is one of our strengths. When we bicker, it's usually due to something monumentally minor, and we make up for taking our annoyances out on each other, and are quite understanding when the other one is stressed and not themselves.

When we argue, we're always more invested in solving the issue than we are in hurting the other person or winning.

It's hugely important for a couple to be able to disagree amicably.

Oh dear OP.
This doesn't get any better does it?
I agree with others about the Freedom Programme.
Did you get any support from any organisations after your previous abusive relationship ended?

He's an adult. If he struggles with a hangover that's his hard luck. Up to him. I wouldn't worry about that. Just sort yourself out. He can fend for himself. It's the end of term do. He won't be home at 6 and it's unreasonable to expect him to be.

You can be insured just for a few days. You don't need any no claims history for that.

PP saying they want to hear his side of the story & questioning op's actions, have you read some of the things she's saying he says to her??

doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

Regardless of what his side of the story is, you don't say these things to someone you love & respect or about a relationship you cherish & want to be in. I'm sorry op, but I think you should think long & hard about leaving this man child.

Of course you should just insure yourself on the car- ridiculous not to.

You can’t ‘just insure’ yourself on someone else’s car. The owner has to do it.

Hi,
I think getting yourself to the airport and into a hotel the night before would be absolutely wonderful! (Coach?).

I think having to get himself up & ready with no-one nagging him and travel alone will absolutely take the wind out of his sails. Do not call or text to check on him or let anyone else do it on your behalf. Make sure he knows he is responsible for his passport & ticket and you yours (so if he misses the flight he could choose to follow you out later if he wants to).

He will know he has to be responsible for himself or miss the holiday and will probably be desperate to make it with no problem but he will be surprised at your cool and independent approach after much previous arguing. It could also break the toxic dynamic that is developing with you guys. He might feel differently when he has nothing to push back against and realises that you won’t mother him.

Have the start to your holiday that you deserve and leave him to take responsibility for himself.

Gosh op! Get a hotel next to the hotel and if he shows up then great if not enjoy your jollys!! Then LTB when you get home xx

Hi OP

"Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship"

I couldn't marry a person who said that to me
Could you?
What would you advise your best friend if their fiance said that to them?

Take care, you sound lovely

It's very worrying that he doesn't care how you feel and admits that!

Look, don't worry about him. Have a plan B in place. Phone at the local cab firms and ask what their availability is usually like in the morning for an airport run. You don't want to risk missing this much-needed holiday because he's too hung over to drive.

If he's too hung over to even get out of bed, go without him. He doesn't care about you, why should you care about him!