Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

Wtf please do not marry this prick. LTB

I was in an abusive relationship (physical/emotional) from 16-20 and then met current DP.

Do you look at your current partner and think "oh, he's so much better than my ex"? Is that the standard you used to decide this was a healthy, non-abusive relationship? Did he feel like your rescuer?

Because if you did, it would explain why you think his behaviour is acceptable or normal.

The way he treats you isn't normal and it's not what a healthy relationship looks like. This isn't what arguments look like in a healthy relationship. It's not what people mean when they said they had an argument.

It actually makes me quite sad that you're so accepting of how badly he treats you. Like you think this is the best you can hope for in a relationship?

Just because he's less abusive than your ex, doesn't make it ok. You deserve so much better.

If this is how he behaves when you're not tied to him and could leave if you wanted, how much worse do you think he will be when you're married and can't just easily walk away from him? Do you think that might make him feel he could get away with worse behaviour because you'd just have to put up with it?

The Freedom Programme is an information course, not therapy. It's free to attend, women only, and confidential. They won't tell you to leave him, they won't tell you what to do, and they won't judge you.

They won't even ask you to speak or talk about your life. You can just listen to the information they have to share about what healthy relationships look like, the dynamics of abuse (rather than trying to spot specific "symptoms" or abusive behaviours, they teach you about the quest for power and control that drives it), and how it affects you. How it gets worse after marriage and pregnancy. How it affects children.

It also teaches you how to see early warning signs that someone is abusive and how to identify abuse from different people - different people use different tactics and behave differently, so comparing one abusive man to the next is not a reliable way to tell somebody is not abusive.

It is very, very common for women who've come out of an abusive relationship to end up with another abusive man because they compare the new man to their ex and think "oh, he's so much better or hasn't done something specific my ex did, therefore he can't be abusive". When in reality, the new man just engages in different abusive tactics or hasn't yet escalated to the extremes of the ex.

Comparing one person to the next is not how you work out whether someone is abusive or not. It's actually quite a dangerous approach to take because it's so unreliable.

If you hadn't spent four years in an abusive relationship I don't believe you would think your current relationship was normal or healthy. It's really, really not, and you deserve so much better.

You're not making any major decisions by going on the course, you're just gathering information that you can choose to use how you see fit: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I am very concerned about the fact I am marrying him now, I guess some people won't change. He's usually a good partner until we argue. He is a bad arguer.

I tried to communicate as an adult when this first came up. He seemed understanding. It's only until another teacher has told him the plan for the night out that he's suddenly acting like a teenager and saying he will do what he wants.

He also said 'why should I care how you feel?'
OP. It does look like you know how bad the situation is (re-read your previous post above) but have invested in the "sunk costs fallacy" and don't want to give up on a relationship you've given time, emotional and mental energy to.

There's also another saying. "Don't throw good money after bad" - in this case substituting love for money.

Please, really consider if you want to base the rest of your life - and that of any potential children - on someone who's actually telling you he doesn't care about you.

I also second what others have said. Don't try to persuade him further or worry about him. Just calmly pack your own stuff, passport, cash and other important documents and book into a hotel at the airport. That will take the pressure off you wondering if he'll be capable of the drive and avoid a sulky atmosphere.

Send him a text saying you'll see him at the airport or the plane and if he arrives, OK. If he doesn't, then enjoy your holiday, relax and make your plans for a more positive life.

Good luck to you. 🌹

What time does he normally finish drinking? And then he has a 1.5hr journey home plus packing in the morning, a drive to the airport + queues etc.

I’m usually the first person to call out controlling behaviour but this is far from it, it’s just common sense. He can go for a few drinks and a meal then get home at a nice time and look forward to his holiday the next day.

I would definitely do as a PP suggested and book yourself into an airport hotel for the night before. You’ll be all ready for your holiday in the morning and won’t have to be around his last minute hungover, and no doubt moody, scrabbling which will be a shitty start to the holiday.

There are two separate issues:-
Immediate
If he is drinking all day and comes in late then he may still be over the limit at 10am. He probably won’t have packed and won’t be in a good state to do so. You need to think about getting yourself packed and to the airport without him if necessary.

Longer Term
He doesn’t sound very nice or good for you. Have a look at the freedom programme. You are still young and can call things off if you want.

Leave him

He doesn't really listen to me when I know best

That is because he is an adult and which you can give advice he can make his own decisions even if they are mistakes, especially when it is in his workplace.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time)

Do you ram your feelings down his throat every time you want your own way or when you "know best".

I still think there are two sides to this story, but it all boils down to the same thing, for whatever reason you are not compatible.

Do you ram your feelings down his throat every time you want your own way or when you "know best".

RTFT the OP has actually said there's plenty of times he goes out/holidays and she doesn't say a word and doesn't have a problem with it.

He sounds horrific op. Please leave his sorry arse behind and go on holiday without him

Let him go, the way he presents himself and behaves when he is out isn’t on you, you aren’t his mother and whatever he does is on his head. I’d leave his sorry ass at home and go out for brunch with the girls, but that’s just me.

Look, I fundamentally agree that you sound incompatible and the things he said when you argued pretty much sum up how he views your relationship.

However I find your example of him not listening when you “know best” a bit odd- you gave him advice about how to do his job? Why on earth would you think that you know best about his job? Even if you are a teacher yourself he still knows his own school, subject and pupils best. And what does it matter to you anyway if he messes up at work? It would only be relevant if he was going to lose his job over it and it would affect your joint finances in some way.

This does come across as you being somewhat domineering, which is possibly at the root of why he has checked out of the relationship.

As I said, don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a twat, but maybe you need to take a step back and think about your own behaviour before you embark on the next relationship?

@notcopingwellhere are you her fella? Lol

No clarissa. Do you think that it’s appropriate for your partner to think they know how to do your job better than you do?

I agree with @Notcopingwellhere on that point. Why get all involved and argue about how your partner does their job? The phrase "when I know better" is a bit of a flag. As I said earlier, I don't think you are relating to one another as two healthy adults - more like a toxic mother and teenage son. And this has nothing to do with anxiety (of which I have experience). Anxiety doesn't mean you can't relate to your partner in a healthy way or him to you. You do share 50% of the responsibility for this if you want it to change - or end of course.

Do you think that it’s appropriate for your partner to think they know how to do your job better than you do?

I'd say it's appropriate for my partner to have an opinion on anything he chooses

You would be insane to marry him. He’s cruel.

And take a huge huff when you choose to ignore that opinion @Lawnmowingsucks?

Not coping
Do you know what the OP’s job is? Maybe she really did know better in that specific case.

Unless she is a teacher of the same subject in the same school with more experience than her DH I doubt that she could possibly have known best.

Another mumsnet useless husband. LTB.

And take a huge huff when you choose to ignore that opinion @Lawnmowingsucks?

I wouldn't no, but then I'm in my 50s and perhaps a little older than the OP. It might be true that as we get older we learn to build our self esteem and give others' opinions less weight

Unless she is a teacher of the same subject in the same school with more experience than her DH I doubt that she could possibly have known best.

She's not telling him how to teach a lesson on Cardinal Wolsey or Fractional Distillation. She is expressing an opinion on him going out on a bender in the same small place as the school and the night before their holiday. (Surely there must be more than one place to socialise, as otherwise the parents must be there as well as students and teachers.)
I have given y husband advice on lots of things over the years - he has always listened, acknowledged my point of view and if I was wrong explained why. Not just shut me down and said "I'm doing it regardless". And he's never gone drinking heavily the night before our holiday.

@MollyButton
I wasn’t referring to her saying he should not go on the bender- totally agree with that!

It was this tbat I was questioning, from one of OP’s later posts:

He doesn't really listen to me when I know best almost out of spite and it's landed him in some shitty situations (for example, doing an experimental lesson for an observation that I said not to as it won't work. He was adamant, then had to redo it as it went wrong.)

Well, she clearly knew what she was talking about. It did go wrong!