WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

YANBU - your wedding and you barely know them.

I surprised at all the PP saying they would expect/would be upset their children wouldn't be asked! It just seems so entitled to expect to be part of someones wedding (regardless of how close they are!)

My Dsis (we're very close) got married, I would have not expected my DD to be BM, not would I have been upset if she didn't ask it's not my wedding!!

I think especially since they didn't even invite you to theirs it's a bit much to expect you have the nieces as bridesmaids. Totally understand if you don't want to.

If it were me I probably would go ahead though because I'm a bit of a soft touch when it comes to children and wanting them to be involved (if they want to.) I doubt I'd be forking out for really expensive brand new dresses though. I'd eBay them or get them from somewhere inexpensive high-street wise (for the flower girls as well! not singling them out for 'lesser' dresses).

Do what you want. Don't let other people make decisions about your wedding. If they have a problem, that's too bad.

Definitely not being unreasonable. Have whoever you want. I would never be bullied into doing what other people want.

It's entirely your decision. We had a child free wedding because we specifically didn't want nephews and nieces there, they're horrible kids.

The thing is, is that they are going to get to wear pretty dresses, bridesmaids or not. I wouldn't worry about it OP. Just enjoy your day.

Yanbu. If they ask, just play a bit dumb and say that’s a nice idea but I’ve already sorted my bridal party. Don’t even acknowledge the possibility that it could be changed. Thanks, but I’ve already sorted it. Over and over. They’ll give up, probably sooner rather than later.

What does your DP mean by 'not fussed'? If you decided not to invite the nieces, and his DM and DSis put pressure on him, would he stand up for your choice, or would he start putting his own pressure on you? (Or even worse, agree to them being BMs and then come home and tell you?)

Given what you've said about his mum and sister, there seems to be a decent chance that if you said they could be BMs, it would set the tone for them believing that they can have whatever they want, and in a couple of years' time you'll be posting on here that MiL is demanding to be in the labour room with you and to have 'alone time' before the kid's a week old.

I never understand all the angst over letting children be part of the day.

The OP didn’t say she didn’t want them to be part of the day.

She said she didn’t want them to be bridesmaids.

Nope fuck that.

You're not close to SIL, you hardly ever see them, you weren't invited to SILs wedding.

It's YOUR wedding, and you should do exactly what you want. Don't have them out of obligation.

I assumed at the start that these were small girls and thought you should consider it but as you've updated that they're roughly 16, 10 and 8 then in my view YANBU.
As others have said, they'll have pretty dresses anyway and be part of your small wedding.

Sil didn’t allow our dds who were 6 and 8 and would have loved to have been bridesmaids. She had one friend as the other friend stropped at being asked to buy her own dress (fair enough). Was a small wedding and several guests said it was shame dds weren’t bridesmaids. Didn’t bother us but reckon she looked abit petty and mean not having her dh only siblings kids not properly included. No other kids there as small family on both sides.

It’d be nice to make them flower girls but obviously entirely up to you.

If you don't mind having them as bridesmaids but would just rather not, I'd send the invitation to the family and when they ask demand if the girls are bridesmaids, do a bright and breezy "Oh, I thought they would feel too mature to be bridesmaids. I'd love to have them if they want to!"

Otherwise just stick to "We're having a small wedding and want a small wedding party."

I also think including them would be the kindest thing to do, there are two of you getting married, joining your families' together. It just seems not in the spirit of what a marriage stands for to leave them out.

From your original post I thought why not include them, they'd love the experience and it would be a nice gesture etc... but then I read the ages of the girls. YANBU!

It's one thing to have a couple of young nieces as extra flower girls but the age range 8,10 & 16 is quite varied and given that they're older it really does begin to seem a bit awkward to have girls you don't actually know be bridesmaids. The 16 year may very well not want to be a bridesmaid anyway but then again she might so...

In your shoes I would probably ask the two youngest girls (8 & 10) and as for the 16 year old, well you could just say you only want a matron of honour and flower girls which she would be too old for and just hope that she doesn't mind. I'd perhaps offer to have her hair/makeup done for the wedding so that even if she isn't a BM she can feel special.

YANBU anyway but having seen your update about his sister’s wedding you 100% should not have them as BM!

You owe them or anyone else nothing

Your bridal party should be supportive for you and help you hence people you love.
Having three relative strangers which includes a teenager, purely because you feel some weird sense of tradition or pressure is bizarre

Don’t even consider it.
If your DP was begging you to do it then maybe at a push but he isn’t bothered either.

If they ask just look a bit surprised they are asking and say you are only having a small bridal party.
Then do not be bullied and just stand your ground

Given her involvement of her DB at her own wedding I hardly think your SIL has a leg to stand on.

Typical, massive backstory

It would be a bit mean not to ask to have them as bridesmaids. It won't hurt you so why not?

Just say no

His family sound a bit of a nightmare TBH. Do you really want all the hassle of a big wedding with them hassling you for the next year ?

I know you said it’s small but you already have 5 bridesmaids, best man and groomsmen. It’s growing arms and legs and you have only just started saving and planning.

do you need to have flower girls at all if a small wedding -?
you certainly wont want 4 ! -
I'm sure MIL/SIL wil have opinions - but they've had their weddings .. this is yours - do what you want...
they may well have opinions on all sorts of things you just need to get your phrase along the lines of 'thats interesting/nice is that what you did? mmmm we want to do this'
and jsut repeat it to everything they say!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Traditionally bridemaids have always been close to the bride, not members of husband to be's family.
You can't please everybody all of the time, sadly!

If they were little kids then maybe it would be a nice idea (yet still not remotely compulsory and personally I wouldn't). But given their ages and your lack of closeness (which SIL put more distance in with her wedding!), and the cost, then hell no. Why should you just to please people who don't give a toss about you? It's your wedding and should be about what you and DP want, not what SIL or MIL want.

16,10, and 8 - nope.