WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

YANBU

The Bridal party is the bride's choice. The clue is in the name.

The Groomsmen or Ushers are chosen by the groom, along with the pageboy.

You have clearly decided (& selfishly imo) to make this event all about the two of you and your enjoyment

Oh for fucks sake, it's their bloody wedding! Of course it is about OP, her fiance and their enjoyment! Christ almighty!

OP - Have the wedding you want. Do not be guilt tripped by anyone. Don't give in to any demands. You don't owe it to SIL, you don't owe it to anyone.

MaxNormal, it doesn't matter how many times the OP has met the daughters of her fiance's sister. He is their uncle and she will be their aunt once they are married. They will be her nieces.

Getting married creates family relationships whether the OP wants to admit there is a wider family component to it or not.

I get that a wedding is a 'blending of families', but we're far from blended at the moment despite DP and I having been together for many years. Us getting married won't automatically change the dynamic that we have with his family.

You are right - getting married won't automatically change the dynamic.

Nothing happens automatically in families. Even the nice family relationships you have within your family are probably in existence despite ruffled feathers over the years, thanks to conscious efforts by various family members to get along and be gracious in the face of hurt or lack of consideration or rudeness.

You have a chance to introduce DP's family to the civilised attitudes and behaviour of your family here. Or to adopt the rancour and division of DP's family as your own.

My daughter has 3 older brothers
I would not expect any future partners to have her in their bridal party.
I’m very against wife work and this stinks of it op. Nothing to stop them standing with their uncle.

Nothing wrong with only having your attendants from your side, especially if it's a small wedding. Your stepsister is your family, as is her daughter. It's traditional to have your own sisters, but not the groom's. As you aren't having anyone else, though, I would take this line "As the wedding is small we aren't having any bridesmaids, just my maid of honour and a flower girl. Look forward to seeing you all at the wedding."

Having thought about this, theres actually an easy answer.

Neither of you seem bothered about his family, so why not extend the same invite to SILs nuclear family as they did to you. If they're not invited, then she can hardly expect them to be BMs...and you can justify it by saying "we're offering you the same courtesy you did to us. Actually even more so because we're not lying to you about it".

Job sorted.

This thread is exactly why people elope.. or just go and get married!

Why do people have such strong opinions about how someone else should carry out a major life event!

Do EXACTLY what YOU want OP, and ignore internet randoms who seem to feel that your relationship will be doomed if you don't do what they say.

Auty, yes, deep down I have most definitely made my mind up. I came on here to try and gauge just how unreasonable it would be to not involve the nieces. Had the overwhelming majority said that they absolutely should be bridesmaids (and if my DP adamantly wanted them too), then I would've wound up considering it and rethinking quite a few things.
However, it seems that most people are actually in agreement with me, so I now feel I can stick to my guns and stand my ground when we break the news to family regarding our plans.

MaxNormal, it doesn't matter how many times the OP has met the daughters of her fiance's sister. He is their uncle and she will be their aunt once they are married. They will be her nieces

You'd think... my PIL and SIL couldn't make it clear enough that I was an outsider when my husband's niece was born.

Anyway one is not obliged to have nieces as flower girls regardless.

Regarding being an outsider as Max just said, that's also how I feel. When DP's sister was choosing god parents for her DC3, she had a few friends, her DH's sister and her partner, my DP, but not me... again, we'd been together years by this point. To then have that followed up by neither myself nor DP being invited to SIL's wedding ceremony, I do feel a bit 'cast aside'.
(Future) MIL and SIL live in each other's pockets on social media, always commenting on one another's posts within minutes, they're always tagging my DP in things, 'liking' and commenting on his things, but mine are never acknowledged. I know that sounds so ridiculous, because it is, but again, just goes to show how I'm not really 'seen' within his family.

I had this when I got married. MIL asked if I was having flower girls then could my DH''s niece be one. DH does not get along with his brother, I had met DN about 3 times before we got married. MIL told my DH's other brother that DN was going to be a flower girl so I started to feel a bit under pressure but actually I was only having one bridesmaid and had lots of relatives and friends with little girls who I would have chosen over DN for flower girls if I wanted them as I had a actual relationship with them. Just told MIL in the end that I was having one bridesmaid and that was it. Never got mentioned again. Good luck but it's your wedding and you have what you want.

It does sound ridiculous, in the sense that MIL and SIL as grown adults could behave like this.

I would just remain distant with them, OP, it's their loss. Sounds like wanting you to make her dds BMs comes from wanting to control you. And it's possible the reason she didn't invite you and DP to the wedding is because they couldn't how they could control you (i.e. Invite her DB and not you), so ended up not inviting either of you.

I would be very vary of them and maintain boundaries, even if they start being nice.

*couldn't see how they could control
*wary

Why bridesmaid? Why not something else? 16 year old could be in charge of the guest book. The 8 and 10 year old could be flower girls. Or hold baskets of bird seeds or whatever that is being thrown as you leave the church/registry. Or develop some other idea. It can be something made for them. If your sil wants to control something, let her choose the guest book. Ask the children to wear something they already own and give them a corsage to wear. Think out of the box.
Remember they are your partners nieces and how yow proceed is how relationships will be views, but also reflect on the family dynamics and how you are within this because you do not just marry the man. You marry all that comes with it.

It is your wedding and your DPs wedding. You are not close to his side, but he has a side. Include them

I’m glad you have decided to stick with your initial feeling @StrawberryAndRaspberryTea. Despite what anyone may say, you do not have a responsibility to choose anyone, family unity should not depend on whether you choose certain children as your bridesmaids and having young, females in the family should not mean you are obligated to have extra bridesmaids.
“I’m only having my sister” is enough of an explanation. No discussion on who you aren’t having and why. The flower girl is by the by in by opinion. It could siphon be explained away as “she needs to be with he mummy.” Good luck and congratulations

I really don't understand this mentality of 'it's not yours and DP's day' - it absolutely is. It's about us, our love, our commitment to one another. He's choosing to marry me, not my father, mother, step family etc, and likewise, I'm marrying him for him, not for his family.

Yes. They are his nieces. But DP himself doesn't care whether they're bridesmaids or not, so why should I take it upon myself to include his family when he isn't arsed either, and his own 'grooms party' is made up of a couple of his friends and no one else. Even if I had brothers that I was insanely close with, I wouldn't in the slightest bit expect DP to have them as his best men/groomsmen/ushers, and as such, I would expect anyone within my family to fully understand and grasp that who DP chooses to have stand beside him is entirely his choice and not mine.

The nieces could be flower girls, yes, for someone that wants three flower girls. I however, think one flower girl is more than enough. Our wedding is going to be so incredibly small, and a large portion of my family aren't invited to the ceremony part purely because of costs, but I know that no one will hold that against me.

I've completely taken the pressure off of myself now and feel perfectly okay with having the wedding the way DP and I want it to be. I don't think it's selfish or childish. For those women who scrutinise over including absolutely everybody and making sure each family has a role, that's fine, but it's not me and not the way I'll be doing things 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have the wedding that you want to have, don't feel pressured into something you don't want

Have a happy marriage

I can't believe how many posters think you should have them. It is yours and your fiancés wedding day. The bridesmaids are there to help and support you, and as recognition for being a big part of your life. You absolutely should not let yourself get pressured into having extras that you don't even want.

For what it's worth, I am 35 and have never been a bridesmaid. Many of my friends are in defacto relationships and those who are married either have sisters who were their bridesmaids or were married before I met them. I never expected that I should be asked, it is not an entitlement or right. At my own wedding, I had 3 bridesmaids who were my 3 best friends.

Bridesmaids are supposed to come from the brides side. Very odd to have anyone from your DP side 😯

At my wedding, I had my sister and dh 2 neices as bridesmaids all 3 are roughly the same ages early 20s and the neices kids as a flower girl and page boy

Good on you OP stick to your guns. The more you know tow to what you think your DP’s family expectations will be the more you will be complicating the whole wedding and allowing others to put pressure on you to have their choice of celebration.
At least you are inviting your in-laws! They cannot reasonably expect more.
Enjoy your day!

Good for you.
My own Mum was pressured into a big church wedding they couldn’t really afford by my dad’s side of the family. It really pissed her off.
30 years later she told me “do only what the two of you want to. Bugger trying to please everyone else. You’ll never please all of them and they’ll expect you to try to if you give in here.”
Smart woman, my Mum

YANBU OP.

My DH's brother just got married and they didn't have our 2 sons an official part of the day. They got married abroad so tbh we had my mum come and stay and left them with her for 3 days.

Your absolutely right; it's usually those closest to the bride that are part of the bridal party.
Having said that; I had my DH's little niece (3 at the time) as a flower girl bc we were together when she was born and I'm very close to her.

I suppose your SIL has a right to be a little sad that her DD wont be an official part of the day but she absolutely does NOT have a right to give you grief over it.

Your bridal party - your desicion!

You are right IMO.

Bridesmaids are the brides choice. 1 MOH and 1 bridesmaid is totally acceptable and not at all selfish or childish.

You said it yourself: you don't know them well and you're on a tight budget... if you're worried just plan your wedding and dont discuss it with anyone, just send out save the dates once you've got yourselves organised and get you other half to explain your JOINT decision if the time comes.