WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?

Don't even try to shake that feeling, OP. What with you being the bride & all ... it is entirely your choice & it sounds like you have already made it!

It's also important to make a stand & stick to it ... or your bossy SiL is going to expect the upper hand in any of your life decsions that she feels like sticking her beak into.
If you get arseache from her about it, just state that it's your wedding & your choice, but you are looking forward to seeing SiL & nieces on the day.

I don't think you should have them if you don't want to, but I don't agree that the bridal party is usually made up from solely the Brides side.

I didn't have any bridesmaids as we only had a small wedding but when I've been bridesmaid for family, 2 out of the three times the relationship was on the grooms side.

Not unreasonable at all. i had my adult sister and my best friend as bridesmaids. I know there were various kids in the extended family who would have loved to do it but that wasn't what we wanted.

How old is your niece who will be in the bridal party?

Weddings are about bringing families together - yet I always find they do the opposite.

You seem annoyed at your in laws, but if I am reading this correctly they haven’t done anything wrong yet?

It would be lovely to treat all your nieces equally in your wedding, and it would have been a good opportunity to build some bridges and develop a better relationship. It is, in my understanding, normal in the uk that the bridesmaids aren’t expected to pay for their own dresses.

But if you really don’t want these girls as bridesmaids, could you explain it to their mother and maybe ask one to do a reading, or gov them other roles in your big day.

Start of being the generous one, then if it all goes to hell at least you can say you tried☺️

My brother is getting married next year he has 6 nieces including my daughters I wouldn't for a minute expect his future wife to have them as flower girls or bridesmaids. My daughters have asked whether I think she'll ask them and I've told them it's unlikely so if they are asked it will be a lovely surprise and if they're not they won't be disappointed.
I did have my husbands two nieces as flower girls but they were only 2 at the time and very cute it wasn't expected of me at all. My other brother's wife did have my brothers nieces and nephews as flower girls and page boys but there wasn't as many of them as there is now.
I guess what I'm saying is it is entirely up to you and what works for your day and it shouldn't be expected of you or you shouldn't feel pressured to have them if you don't want them

when i got married i barely knew my dh's nieces and nephews, i wanted a child free wedding but compromised that all nieces and nephews could come but i didnt want any flower girls or children for bridesmaids.
sil wasnt happy and dressed them in flower girl dresses but that was ok.
looking back i was a bit harsh and would probably include them now , but its your wedding, you choose flower girls and bridesmaids, have who you want it's got nothing to do with anyone else.

16, 10 and 8

These aren't 'little kids'. If the only reason you would have them is because of the''fallout'' if you don't then stick to your guns and just have your stepsister and her child.

If SIL wants to wind her DDs up about being left out that's entirely down to her fucked up parenting ideas.

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

So you wont consider them your nieces even though you will be getting married?

The thing is, I also know full well that SIL won't pay for the dresses.

Are you expecting step sister & her Dd to pay for their own dresses?

You can have who you like, you don’t have to have them, but a family fall out would be an awful way to start married life for the sake of 3 dresses.

Tricky one.

You should do what you want as it's your wedding but it sounds like it could cause a rift if you don't do something.

I have no siblings but DH has 6 nieces and nephews from 2 siblings. The youngest girl (his DSis daughter) was our flower girl and the older two girls (his DBro daughters) did something at the service. We didn't include the boys as we didn't think they'd care and we felt we'd included each 'side' of his family. I thought it was nice as I felt I was joining the family and everyone seemed happy with it (but I'm pretty sure nobody would have said anything if we hadn't included them) I also had two adult bridesmaids. I realise it might have been different had I had my own nieces and nephews.

Could you include any of them in the service?

I think it would be a big kick in the teeth to not have anyone from your Dh to be’s side of the family.

I didn’t want hoardes of bridesmaids but there were a lot of children so I had my best friend as maid of honour then I chose the youngest girl from my side & the youngest girl from dh’s side.

Just go ahead with your Sister and niece. You don’t know for sure if your SILs nieces would want to be bridesmaids, it’s just an assumption from your partner they would.

At a push if the youngest one had never been a bridesmaid maybe you could consider her? Although that might cause trouble with the older two.

Although a different scenario, when DP's sister got married, DP didn't find out about it until the night before it happened.
She told DP she was having two witnesses at a registry office, then a 'pub' do afterwards.. which was the bit that he and myself were invited to...

We then discovered, after photos were posted the day after her wedding, that in actual fact, instead of having 'just two witnesses', their three kids were there (understandable), his Mum and her fiancé were in the room, as was SIL's DH's mother, sister and her other half. So basically, all of their immediate family, apart from us..

Don't get me wrong, that's not why I'm choosing to only having my step sister and her daughter, but it's just to show how we was treated at her wedding, and (one) reason why I'd be miffed including them in ours.

Yanbu op and the 16 year old probably won't want to be a bridesmaid. I was asked at 14 to be one for an aunt and I refused

Erm... I'm going to put another take on it from my point of view, I hope you don't mind OP.

I never got to be a bridesmaid at all. Nor have either of my dd's and they are both adults now. Mine through not having any relatives; dd's through lack of relatives on my side and DH's relatives only asking siblings and cousins on the other side. It sucks, especially when you hear others saying "Oh, I've been a bridesmaid loads of times!".

Have any of your DP's nieces been bridesmaids before? If they haven't, could your wedding be the only chance they might ever get? If so, then I'd look far more kindly on the idea, so to be honest if I were you I'd include them in some way.

"I think it would be a big kick in the teeth to not have anyone from your Dh to be’s side of the family. "

How strange.

Wonder how many grooms fuss themselves about attendants from the bride's family & are told to ask so & so to keep the peace?

(Let alone go ahead & do it even if they don't really want to?)

I think that asking just your sister & niece is fine, Op.

If it's mainly about money I would suggest going straight to MIL and saying that you'd like to ask 8 year old to be a flower girl but you are worried 10 year old will feel left out but budget is tight etc. (Wouldnt even mention 16 year old) and wanted her advice. Most likely opinionated MIL will be pleased to be asked and may offer to pay for outfits for her granddaughters.

It seems odd there is a split by gender with bridesmaids/matron for the bride and pageboys/groomsmen/best man for the groom.

Perhaps it might be better in some ways to split by sides of the family (bride has bridesmaids or pageboys on her side, groom has pageboys or grooms maids from his). It might prevent any tension or conflict from unreasonable SILs or brides?

It’s a small wedding. You don’t really know them. I wouldn’t bother. If they were his own kids, maybe, but I wouldn’t expect my own sister to have my kids as bridesmaids.

" their three kids were there"

As bridesmaids I presume, unless too young.

If she didn't have them for her own, she wouldn't expect anyone else to?

The 16 year old might not want to be a bm anyway
Can you find her another role like reading a poem or something at the service
Personally I’d suck it up and have the little ones tho

I see two issues here:

1. Your wedding
2. SIL and MIL

1. Your wedding. Your "bride's maids" are your choice. You have chosen your stepsister/best friend, and her daughter (who I presume you are also close to). Job done. There is no compulsion on you to have anyone else besides these two by your side. Your fiance isn't pushing for it, so it's fine. Relax.

1. Your SIL and MIL, "very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times" and you "don't want to cause drama within his family". Can I offer some advice? You need to stand up for yourself with these types. You give an inch, they'll demand a mile. Decide what you want and stick with it. If they are 'brutal' just push it back on them. Get your fiance to tell them to back the fuck off. Be blunt and stand your ground. Anything else will be seen as weakness and will encourage them to bully you more. In fact, there's a phrase to use - 'Don't try to bully me, it never persuades me to say yes.'

Given the circumstances of her wedding, and how she didn't put herself out to involve her sibling and partner, it would be singularly hypocritical in the extreme for her to expect, let alone demand, involvement for her children in yours.

Sounds rather familiar, tbh. I did try to be the bigger person, and although it worked out on the day, I still wish that actually, I'd just had exactly who I wanted, because in the end, the relationship was still very strained, and I was always expected to be the one to give ground. Because I was just the DIL.

Nah, she can do one.

You can get flower girl dresses for about £40. Would it kill you to offer ? You never know, it might build better relations 💁

Wonder how many grooms fuss themselves about attendants from the bride's family & are told to ask so & so to keep the peace?

Well out of respect for my family Dh had his best friend as best man & my brother as an usher/groomsman

My brother’s wife had me and her own sister as bridesmaids (there were no men on her side of the family for my brother to have as groomsmen but she did have a little pageboy from our side.