WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

Ooh, cross-posted with your revelations of her wedding. Well that makes it much easier. She can't pull the 'but I'm your sister' card when he can trump her with the 'and I'm your brother who wasn't even invited to your wedding' card.

My daughter is getting married next April and there are 7 kids in both sides of the family. Everyone has a roll so no one is left out.

I would get out of this by saying you can’t afford to have 3 extra bridesmaids. You have your best friend/step sister and her daughter already. You can’t afford 3 more and you couldn’t possibly leave any kf them out

I am really shocked at this thread how many people seem to think the OP should have them, and that some people would be 'hurt' if their kids weren't. Really odd. The OP barely knows them!

So you wont consider them your nieces even though you will be getting married?

Goady, much? It's obvious she's just saying that for the sake of the bloody post.

I had my 2 nieces and my best friends little girl as flower girls, my 2 sisters, my best friend and one Dh’s sisters(he has 2) as bridesmaids. I have my nephew and Dh’s nephew as page boy. But that was my choice. I did it because it was what I wanted.
Your wedding op do what you want.

DP and I are planning our wedding, we have 3 DDs and 1 DS between us (2 mine, 2 his - all from previous relationships) and he has 4 Bruce’s and a nephew.
I do not want his nieces as bridesmaids. I want the only children in our wedding party to be our children.
Also one of his sisters is outwardly hostile towards me (no idea why, she’s just a pretty hostile person in general) and the other sister got married last year and excluded them from her ceremony and wedding breakfast.
So if they decide to take offence at my decision then I will look explain my reasoning, but I don’t feel obliged to iyswim

Ywnbu not to have them but I think it would stand you in good stead for the future if you were to ask them. The 16 year old may decline but at least she would have been asked. You don’t need elaborate dresses. Something “off the peg” that they could use again would be best.

Good grief, no. I'm sure the bride gets to choose their own bridesmaids etc. You should have who you want.

When my sister got married she asked me and one of our cousins to be a bridesmaid; cousin was 11 and very keen. Then cousin's mother said you can't have her and not my other 2 girls as well (2 older, not at all keen girls). Then our other aunt said that she couldn't have those 3 cousins and leave out her 2 daughters (even older and less keen). Then sister's future husband said if she was going to have 6 bridesmaids all from her side of the family then she ought to have his 2 nieces as well. It was only supposed to be a small wedding!

In the end she only had me, aged 17. I felt it was really sad and was determined from then that I would never be the kind of person to force my kids upon other people like that.

Yanbu especially since you have to pay for everything. And if they have an issue then they can take it up with your dp. Dont even bring up the topic, it's your day so dont let others make you do anything just to please others.

My girls were asked to be bm for their uncle when they weren't much younger than the OP's nieces.
I hadn't expected them to be as auntie hadn't really met them more than a couple of times beforehand. (live 400 miles apart)

They were absolutely delighted, wore the dresses matching the younger ones with no worries at all. And it has made the relationship with that auntie so lovely because they felt wanted by her. They have a far more affectionate relationship with her, who they've met only a few times than the ones on the other side who they've met far more, but have never paid any interest in them.

I am very close to my sister but she didn't ask for my DD(8) to be her bridesmaid and I was absolutely fine with it because 1) It was her and her DPS wedding not mine, 2) It was only a small wedding 3) If she invited my DD she would have to have all the other nieces be her bridesmaid too. Definitely do exactly what you and your DP want to do at your wedding!

How old is your niece who will be in the bridal party?

Perhaps you could compromise and just have the younger two maybe?.I think it would be a nice touch ,My PIL paid for my husbands nieces dresses ,and a good time was had by all.!M and S have some pretty BM dresses for a reasonable price too .This way you can start your life in the family on the right foot as it were !

Your wedding you do what you want. If they kick off you can tell them that when their daughters/grand daughters get married they can be bridesmaid for each other then

Totally baffled by the people telling you that you are BU

It's your wedding!

YANBU

I would say no. Have who ever you want. It's your day and the bridesmaids should be close to you. Maybe they could have been flower girls if they were under 5 but even then YWNBU for saying no. My aunt was offended that her daughter wasn't asked to be a BM at our wedding. She wasn't invited in the first place because I don't know her but I got bullied into inviting her. There was no way she was going to be a BM too. Just to add that my cousin was 18 at the time!

I had one maid of honour that was all I wanted.
Stick to your guns!

I think if you have your bridal party from your side and he has his best man etc from his side it could work.
Just keep it small and be clear so people don't make assumptions

I've been to two weddings recently where the groom had groomswomen, his sisters. One was best woman

I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. You’ve created a problem where there isn’t one (yet).

When/if the issue does come up, invent a new role for them like carrying candles or an offertory at an appropriate time in the ceremony. Or put them in charge of other children (if they’re old enough). Or they can do a reading between them. They won’t need to be dressed by you but you could suggest “my bridal party dresses will be lilac so (SIL) if you want to buy the girl dresses with a lilac flower, I’m happy for you to do that”. Let SIL manage her own children’s expectations.

I think you would benefit from some professional help re boundaries and asserting yourself - and trusting your own gut.

So basically, all of their immediate family, apart from us..
This is how his family treated BOTH of you.
WHY are you even giving them headspace about 'involving' them in yours?!
They've made it very clear where your and DP's place is in their family - right at the bottom.
They don't treat you like family.

(Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this)
Well you're going to need to learn to stand up for yourself - and fast!
Give no shits about being brutal and upfront right back at them.
Neither of you will ever be 'good enough' for them and they will continue to take the piss out of you.

You and DP need to be on the same page and have your responses to them ready:
IL: "DC should be BM"
You: "WE have already made our decision"
Etc

Neither of you owe them anything.
They sound toxic and abusive.
If you don't assert your boundaries with them now you will have an ever harder time when you have your own DC - and they start interfering.

I think it is quite childish to "only want one flower girl" when you have 4 nieces, even if 3 of them are on your husdand's side.

Childish? How on earth is it childish?

Having seen your update in that you weren't even invited to hers, just say we're keeping it small and smile!

I think including them is a nice way of joining your families to be honest. However, it is your choice.

IMO the bride gets to choose who she wants for bridesmaids.

I hate how other family members feel they have any right to say who should be involved in the wedding party.

I wouldn't have them as bridesmaids.