WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

[StrawberryAndRaspberryTea]

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

I'm on your side OP and I had my partners niece who I didn't know. But I also had my god daughter and own youngish niece plus four adults so one more didn't matter.

How old are the girls? Will it mean SIL there on your morning having to dress them etc if everyone else is virtual strangers? Shopping trips with them all to find the right dress? It isn't just about them turning up on the day.

Yes they'd likely enjoy it, it you aren't getting married for them. It should be something you want.

Yes it would be lovely if you decide to include them, but it's also reasonable to say, if asked, that you are only having DSis and DNiece to keep it small

I don't think it's childish to consider only having those closest to me in my bridal party?

Of course not.

From bitter personal experience, you may well bend over backwards, and it could still bite you in the bum.

For myself, I would judge anyone who thought that their children getting to get a new dress and their hair done was more important than the wedding couple having their special day just the way they like it.

Yanbu. Have who you like. Suspect the 16y/o won’t actually want to be anyway.

Cross-post. Just saw their ages so don't think it would be unreasonable not to have them...

I think it’s totally up to you. If drama arises it ll be her causing it . Not you!
Please make the decisions you want to make, and don’t let potential bullies rule the roost.

I would say present pretty much everything as a done deal, and just be really clear. Keep smiling and saying things like “ No, it’s a really small/ simple wedding”

“ No, that wouldn’t suit what we have planned”
“ That’s really kind of you but we’ve covered all that”
If there are things you are unsure of, or want to discuss, do that with close friends and on here.

Can you tell I’m getting married in 9 days?

Don't mention it to SIL and MIL. If they ask say you're not having bridesmaids. Because you're not.

You don't have to tell them you're having
a MoH and a flower girl.

When the inevitable happens tell them you're keeping it traditional, the bridal party being the bride's family by your choice and the groom's party whatever he wants because that's his choice. Keep directing any problems from them to him to deal with.

Foot down firmly from the start. Don't discuss plans (especially on social media) until you have the money to start booking. Don't have a family WhatsApp group on the subject whatever you do.

it's nice to include family at weddings if possible I think.
if costs are a genuine concern though that's fair enough and a valid reason.

You can have whoever you want as bridesmaids.

Especially if SIL will take over and get all judgey. YANBU.

The clue is 'brides maids' (and 'grooms men'). The choice is yours, not your MILS. Don't open it up for discussion.

16, 10 and I think maybe 8
How old is your niece?

At those ages they're bridesmaids not flower girls so you've now got a MOH, three bridesmaids and a flower girl. Dresses, shoes, hair, thank you presents...

Totally up to you, but they will no doubt be disappointed and you will -definitely- probably get grief from SIL and MIL. Tight budget or not: you can get some really pretty dresses quite cheap these days. I think it would be worth having them involved and putting a big smile on SIL and MIL's faces. I think the younger two would leap at the chance. My BMs were 17 and 11 and they were thrilled (not my family or particularly close to me, either!)

I would echo previous posts: do not discuss your wedding with anyone! unless they are contributing financially. if people ask, just smile and say it's all in hand.
Do not tell people they are invited until you've sat down with figures and logistics. then send them an invitation.

Also, if DH wants them in the wedding can't he have them in his wedding party instead?

It would be a nice gesture to have them. And to be honest a child's flower girl dress really isn't that much. You don't have to get super fancy ones from a bridal shop. I picked up some beautiful ones in the Debenhams sale for £16 each for my nieces.

DH's little half sister came over with his dad from the USA for our wedding - I had not met her before - and she brought a 'flower girl dress' as she wanted to be in the wedding (think frilly and pink) Hadn't been mentioned before by her dad or her mother and I didn't really know them very well. It didn't match our colour scheme really but I said of course as it was obviously important to her. She had a great day and made firm friends with my nieces. There was no problems for me having her in the wedding.

Do the kind thing and have them involved.

It would be a nice gesture to have them. And to be honest a child's flower girl dress really isn't that much. You don't have to get super fancy ones from a bridal shop. I picked up some beautiful ones in the Debenhams sale for £16 each for my nieces

I think you missed how old the nieces are!

My 16 year old would hate to be dressed like her sisters

That aside it’s your choice

Puls if you asked SIL would get overly involved and start demanding hair makeup tans etc -

Just chose who you want

OP, not having them as bridesmaids is NOT unkind.

Ah just seen the ages - 16yr olds dress will obviously be a bit more expensive then.

Have whoever you want. Initially I thought you were talking about two little girls of 2 and 4 or something - in which case I thought maybe you should invite them to do it - because little kids that age are cute and will only have a minor role - but 16, 10 and 8? No way. Just have your step-sister and her little girl. It's a small wedding, you don't want five attendants, you want two, say it nicely and leave it at that. Anyone who would hold that against you is a cow not worth trying to accommodate.

Your wedding, your choice. I'm unaware of any etiquette or tradition that dictates who should be your bridesmaids. You might need to be willing to stand your ground though a wedding might be a good opportunity to rebalance your relationship with your SIL and MIL. You might want to make sure your DP has your back and is willing to present a united front if they complain to him.

I had all my DPs nieces because it meant a lot to him. I also had my neices and our daughters. There were a whole lot of bridesmaids 😅 I would have just liked a couple of my oldest friends to be honest. It's your wedding. It's up to you. Whatever you do you're bound to annoy someone. One of my friends (who BTW did not ask me to be her bridesmaid despite asking other friends) pouted so much about me not asking her daughter to be one that I asked her too. All the trying to please people got ridiculous.

I think it will be “expected” but you don’t need to ask anyone. I think, as your only having 2, it’s reasonable for keep it small.