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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids?

329 replies

StrawberryAndRaspberryTea · 18/07/2019 16:48

Starting to plan our wedding, albeit roughly at the mo as still saving up, but whilst we were looking at wedding related bits and pieces online together last night, I asked DP if he thinks his sister will expect to be my bridesmaid.
He said no, but he reckons she’ll expect her daughters to be. The thing is, I’m really not that close with DP’s sister, and even less so with her children who we only really see at special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc.

I was only planning on having my step sister (who’s also my best friend) as my maid of honour, and her daughter as a bridesmaid or flower girl, and that’s it. It’s going to be a small wedding on a small budget, and I can’t shake this feeling that the bridesmaids should be my choice?
For instance, I wouldn’t hint at or tell DP who he should have as his groomsmen or his best man, because I feel that’s his decision to make and not mine, likewise, I think the bridesmaids should be down to the bride..

FWIW, DP isn’t fussed whether his nieces are bridesmaids or not - don’t know whether that makes any difference here!

WIBU to not have DP’s nieces as my bridesmaids? (Future) SIL is very upfront, opinionated and can be brutal at times (as can future MIL who I'm also wary of pissing off regarding this) so I’m worried she will be pushy and try and get her daughters to be involved, and if I say no - which I think I’m within my rights to, but not sure! - I’m anxious that she’ll hold it against me. I don't want to cause drama within his family before I've even become a proper part of it, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I feel pressured in to having people involved in my wedding that I simply wouldn't choose myself, and that DP isn't bothered about either!

WWYD?

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 18/07/2019 18:28

Apparently I upset my uncle when I got married over 20 years ago because I didn't ask my cousin, then aged around 10 to be my bridesmaid. I had my two sisters and fiances sister and that was plenty in my opinion. It never occurred to me to ask my cousin as I hardly ever saw her.

I guess it depends on how much of an easy life you want in the future on the rare occasions you will see your SIL. From and older (and hopefully wiser!) point of view I would say stick to your guns and have best friend and sister only.

Grumpyunleashed · 18/07/2019 18:31

Op - Do what you and your pending dh want to do. None else matters or have a relevant opinion.

ITS YOUR WEDDING

Grumping over

Curious2468 · 18/07/2019 18:32

Yanbu to not have them as bridesmaids

Yabvu not to see them as your nieces as well as your partners! I adore my husbands sisters children and refer to them as my nieces all the time!

AE18 · 18/07/2019 18:32

I really don't understand why people expect any and all female children to be bridesmaids, it should just be whoever the bride is closest to. If I had a brother I wouldn't insist he was my partner's best man 🙄 When me and my sister were kids a few extended family members had us hand out candied almonds at the reception, though, which sort of gave us a role, that could keep them all happy!

ILearnedItFromABook · 18/07/2019 18:33

You're not being unreasonable (or childish).

If you had a closer relationship, they might have hurt feelings, but since you're not particularly close, they shouldn't expect to be bridesmaids.

The age range further complicates matters... Maybe there's some token role they could play (the younger two, especially), to help them feel included, but honestly, it shouldn't be necessary. I definitely wouldn't be paying for dresses, after the way your SIL behaved with her own wedding.

urbanlife · 18/07/2019 18:37

Op to genuinely avoid a family car crash I would just have your maid of honour only ( her dd does not need to be a flower girl) and keep it dead simple. No flower girls or BM.
I think they will be hurt you asked someone else but not them otherwise.
It’s not worth years of bad feeling.
Your answer can be we are having a simple wedding day to logistics and cost, and no BM etc.

If you want to give them a role, they could sing a special song, or confetti or petals. Or something effortless and cost effective.

HollowTalk · 18/07/2019 18:43

This is ridiculous. Clearly your SIL believes in doing what you want, because that's what she did. Five bridesmaids would be crazy with a small wedding. Do what you want to do - given you rarely see them, their opinions won't affect you much.

GreenTulips · 18/07/2019 18:44

I think they will be hurt you asked someone else but not them otherwise

Ok for SIL to not invite op but op should invite SIL children to be bridesmaids? They’re lucky that part of the family gets an invite at all.

MirandaGoshawk · 18/07/2019 18:45

YANBU. Don't mention it to them and have who you like. No one should 'expect' to be bridesmaid no one ever asked me. But as pp have said, it would be nice if you found a nice way for them to be involved in some way.

AquaPris · 18/07/2019 18:45

IMO bridesmaids come from the brides friends and family....

Celticrose · 18/07/2019 18:47

When I got married I had 1 bridesmaid from my side of the family. DH had 10 nieces but there were no fall outs when none were chosen as bridesmaids or flowergirls. Were just glad that all 15 including nephews were invited to the wedding. No child free wedding here.

BarbarAnna · 18/07/2019 18:47

No wonder there are so many problems with families posted about on here. People (not the OP so much) are posting about the MIL and SIL in very harsh ways before we even found out about the SILs wedding. I cannot understand this aggression towards a family you are about to marry in to.

Anyway, OP, I think it is a shame you don’t see DPs niece as your niece? I certainly do but if I didn’t, I think I would use my wedding to forge that relationship. It will be lovely to get to know them better and enjoy your celebration with them. I am sure you could do it on minimal budget.

REllenR · 18/07/2019 18:49

I would have four nieces or none. A wedding is about bringing families together and it's not 'all about you' - if you feel it is, don't include anyone else in any capacity. My opinion doesn't change because your SIL is one of those sorts - it's not the children's fault and be the bigger person.

Bookworm4 · 18/07/2019 18:49

Also keep it small; your DP only needs a best man, this ‘groomsmen’ is an American affectation🙄

Beaverdam · 18/07/2019 18:50

Dont have them. Its your wedding, theyre older children and you hardly know them.

motherofcats81 · 18/07/2019 18:52

Have any of your DP's nieces been bridesmaids before? If they haven't, could your wedding be the only chance they might ever get? If so, then I'd look far more kindly on the idea, so to be honest if I were you I'd include them in some way.

I've been a bridesmaid about five times as an adult - you don't have to get it in as a kid! I hope to god I'm never asked again tbh.

OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable, ignore the goady posters and those who clearly haven't RTFT before posting.

Sforsh49 · 18/07/2019 18:52

@StrawberryAndRaspberryTea YANBU I didn't have my DH nieces or my own niece at our wedding. It was the difference between 2 (adult) bridesmaids or 2 adult and 2 teen and 4 flower girls so a total of 8, which when you factor into it dresses, shoes, hair, flowers, presents and so on was a ridiculous expense. My Mum and my MIL both agreed with me fortunately but if they hadn't I still wouldn't have changed my mind.

Your wedding, your expense, your decision.

colourlessgreenidea · 18/07/2019 18:55

I really don't understand why people expect any and all female children to be bridesmaids

My MIL asked if the teenage daughters of a friend of hers could be my bridesmaids. I’d met them once, very briefly, about 5 years previously Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2019 18:57

The 16 yo isn’t going to give a stuff. What about contacting your sil and saying you want a small wedding party but equally don’t want to upset your nieces. Then ask if the 8&10 yos would like to give out wedding favours at the reception? They can carry a big basket around and hand them out to all the tables once pudding has been served. Everyone hopefully will be happy.

Yellowweatherwarning · 18/07/2019 19:00

Send sil some links to hideous dresses. I imagine the 2 older ones will refuse anyway!
Nice gesture for the younger one to have her.
10 years time you may need a babysitter!

MrMakersFartyParty · 18/07/2019 19:01

Yabvu not to see them as your nieces as well as your partners! I adore my husbands sisters children and refer to them as my nieces all the time

But they're not her nieces yet?
It's like people who call their boyfriends mum their mil...

stucknoue · 18/07/2019 19:02

Assuming younger kids I think it's a good idea to have them as flower girls, the dresses are really cheap for kids, and they will love it.

PurpleDaisies · 18/07/2019 19:05

Assuming younger kids I think it's a good idea to have them as flower girls

You don’t need to assume. If you’d read the op’s posts you’d see they’re not young kids.

BarbarAnna · 18/07/2019 19:08

The younger two are a similar age to my kids and would be over the moon to be asked by their auntie. And neither of them are particularly girlie girls.

drowningincustard · 18/07/2019 19:18

Agree with others that are saying you need to learn to stand up to people - because whether its the bridesmaid issue or something else - there will always be a 'something else' with people like this.
A very good comeback to 'why have you not got my daughters as your bridesmaids?'
'Oh we are having a small wedding, kind of inspired how you did yours and just invited who you wanted, well we don't want lots of bridesmaids'

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