To ask our lovely nanny not to have her boyfriend around during working hours?

[Ireallyneedtonamechangeforthis]

This is a really tricky one. We have a lovely nanny, who we and the girls absolutely adore. I really don't want to get this one wrong or be unreasonable, as it could damage our relationship, which I really value, and so please do tell me honestly if you think I ABU before I say or do something which might be unfair.

Our nanny has a new boyfriend. They've been together a few weeks but already it seems very serious and she is really happy, which is wonderful.

Today I can come from work and the new boyfriend had been here all morning with her and the DC, and had been with them while they went for a walk. I had previously said it was ok for him to come around and watch TV with her whilst she was babysitting this evening, but after the DC were asleep. It feels a little bit different while the DC are awake - I'd prefer her to be focussed on what they want to do, play, etc. She is incredibly professional and trustworthy, but inevitably, while there is another adult present, we all end up focusing on the conversation with the other adult, rather than on the DC's imaginary games, etc. We hadn't discussed this in advance. WIBU to ask that she doesn't bring him along during working hours while the DC are awake, and just keeps it to babysitting hours while they're asleep? I don't want to be mean. She is so loved up and happy, and it's so lovely to see her this way

I'm sorry to shout @SnakesAndStones

Thanks Lawnmowing, that's kind of you to say.

How is it OK to bring a boyfriend to a place of work?

It's incredibly unprofessional. I can't bring DH to work with me to hang out.

It's much more unprofessional when you work with children.

We had au pairs when the DC were younger - and not one of those young, untrained women would have dreamt of doing that.

They were much more professional than @SnakesAndStones . I mean, the couple the did have boyfriends didn't even ask. They kept their relationship completely offsite - and they lived in.

I find Snakes lack of awareness boggling.

She’s known him for a couple of weeks only.
They seem to be moving really fast (a pattern which might spell out trouble).
You don’t know him.

Based on that alone i would NOT have him around. None of you really know him. He might be a lovely guy or he might be trouble.

Put it this way- would you give access to your kids to a guy you don’t really know because that’s what’s happening here.

People manage to work full time and have relationships without bringing bf to office every day. This is no different. She can see him after work.

From safeguarding point of view this is not right.

Wow, yanbu and I would question how professional she is if she thinks this is ok

@SnakesAndStones
Do you have children?

@SnakesAndStones.
Why are you wondering how the conversation went

The OP clarifies

She said that the boyfriend could come over and watch TV in the evening whilst the children were asleep!

I missed the bit about her only knowing him a couple of weeks!!!

Op, I'd really be questioning her judgement in regards to your family.

I don't think she's done anything evil but I wouldn't be able to trust her to make sensible decisions now.

Snakes says she is a parent.

Look, it's not OK. You're at work. You don't bring partner, boyfriends, husbands or wives to work. You just don't.

There is no separate rule for nannies. If anything, the rules apply even more for them, as they're in a position of trust looking after children.

It's not OK, and the OP has been (misguidedly, IMO) lenient in even allowing the unknown boyfriend to be present while babysitting.

It's not OK.

And luckily it seems as if the OP has got the message loud and clear.

Amibeingdaft, yes I do have children, as I've already said.

I'm wondering how the conversation went because I saw that as OP justifying why she'd said yes to the previous request ("I answered that it was OK, because I thought, 'well the kids are asleep'") rather than a verbatim account of what was said. ("It's OK for Joe to come over, but only when the kids are asleep.")

Nuance means a lot in communication. The nanny might have understood something completely different to what the OP intended.

I am curious if anyone will answer what is likely to happen to the kids if bf is around when they are awake as opposed to when they are asleep?

Safeguarding issue.

Snakes - the boyfriend shouldn't be around at all.

The OP is in the wrong on both counts.

You were in the wrong to do this, too.

Look, it's not OK. You're at work. You don't bring partner, boyfriends, husbands or wives to work. You just don't.

You do if bringing them doesn't impact your work negatively (in my case it added to the children's fun to have another adult to interact and play with them) and your employers are happy with the situation.

Did you have more than one employer who was happy with this, Snakes?

You were in the wrong to do this, too

OooErMissus:

No, I wasn't. You are making sweeping assumptions which are rather closed-minded. I don't think I can add any more to the thread so I'll bow out before anyone else accuses me of being a bad nanny. I'm very grateful that my employers thought the opposite.

. I had previously said it was ok for him to come around and watch TV with her whilst she was babysitting this evening, but after the DC were asleep.

Pretty explicit to me

If an employer has okayed it then it's ok. People need to calm down a little!

OP, I hope you sort this out in a way that you're happy with. It sounds like it's important to be really clear about what you're comfortable with in the future. But also remember a 'lovely' nanny is a precious thing!

I am genuinely interested

Snake... you no doubt see that you are overwhelmingly in the minority on this parenting issue.

Out of curiosity -does it make you question your stance at all when you are in such a minority (almost a line voice in fact)?

Lone

She is incredibly professional and trustworthy

Erm as she is allowing some random man around your kids she actually isn’t
At all

No , you pay her to work

Completely irresponsible and unprofessional nannying, and very naive parenting. I guess this gives you a clear reason to say no to ever having the boyfriend round given your poor judgement with the babysitting, if you do want to salvage the working relationship- though I’m not sure that you can trust her ever again.

I am curious if anyone will answer what is likely to happen to the kids if bf is around when they are awake as opposed to when they are asleep?

Distraction to the nanny. Her new bloke around. Her attention unlikely to be in children as would otherwise be the case.

The fact my children have to spend the day with someone they have never met before in their summer hols. Vying for nanny’s attention etc

Finally - let’s just say for a minute this man was a pervert. Let’s just say he is.
If he comes over whilst children are in bed asleep and watches tv- he’s not going to be able to do a damn thing. He can’t go off to their bedrooms without the nanny noticing. Whereas during the day... where’s there is a will, there is a way. Scooping up for some “fun”, tickling them etc - all innocent looking but there could be something untoward and the nanny unlikely to notice (esp if she fancies the pants off him)

I have been a nanny for almost 20 years, now a mum to an 8 year old. I have had three long term jobs (5 years, 3 years and 8 years respectively) as well as other shorter/temp jobs in between. In all my long term jobs, my family and my partner have become ‘extended family’ to my charges and my employers. My very first charge, who is now 19, still calls my dad grandad and comes, along with her mum, to family parties etc, and vice versa. In one of my longer term jobs, when I was pregnant, my DP lost his job and my boss would ask for him to come along to work with me so he could help him out in his business. All of my past charges have had sleepovers at my house, they adore my DP and he does them, my DD is like a little sister to them. Although I don’t work now, I still keep in touch with all of my long term charges and see/speak to them regularly. One of my ex bosses is American and after they moved back there, they were planning a visit back to the UK and rearranged their plans so we would be available to see them on their trip back, all of us, not just me. I am a professional, I am trustworthy, and I have taken care of all the children I have ever looked after as if they were my own, never ever would I have put them at risk in any way, and my employers all knew this and trusted my judgement 100%, including who came to their house, or who the children would see when they were out and about with me. In a relationship of few weeks, your nanny shouldn’t be bringing her boyfriend into your home to meet your children, I agree with that, although I could see how wires could become crossed if you had agreed he could come and sit with her when she was babysitting. Talk to her and tell her that you were not happy, that you don’t want her have him in your home whilst she is working. But I am shocked at the amount of people saying fire her, she’s proved she can’t be trusted, she’s unprofessional etc etc...it could clearly be a case of crossed wires! I would bet that, as she’s a professional like you say she is, she would be very apologetic and it would not happen again! I think people forget that nannying is not really a ‘normal’ job, as much as you must have boundaries, you become a part of the family, it’s totally different to taking your boyfriend into your office if you have a 9-5 desk job, it’s not really comparable!