To ask our lovely nanny not to have her boyfriend around during working hours?

[Ireallyneedtonamechangeforthis]

This is a really tricky one. We have a lovely nanny, who we and the girls absolutely adore. I really don't want to get this one wrong or be unreasonable, as it could damage our relationship, which I really value, and so please do tell me honestly if you think I ABU before I say or do something which might be unfair.

Our nanny has a new boyfriend. They've been together a few weeks but already it seems very serious and she is really happy, which is wonderful.

Today I can come from work and the new boyfriend had been here all morning with her and the DC, and had been with them while they went for a walk. I had previously said it was ok for him to come around and watch TV with her whilst she was babysitting this evening, but after the DC were asleep. It feels a little bit different while the DC are awake - I'd prefer her to be focussed on what they want to do, play, etc. She is incredibly professional and trustworthy, but inevitably, while there is another adult present, we all end up focusing on the conversation with the other adult, rather than on the DC's imaginary games, etc. We hadn't discussed this in advance. WIBU to ask that she doesn't bring him along during working hours while the DC are awake, and just keeps it to babysitting hours while they're asleep? I don't want to be mean. She is so loved up and happy, and it's so lovely to see her this way

Do you even need to ask? It’s not just the nanny who has judgement that’s off..

You seem lovely and laid back, and I think your nanny is taking advantage of that.

He should not be in your home during work hours. Her focus should be on the dc's, not on her new partner.

YANBU - I don't take OH to work & vice versa

No, YANBU.

It's her job, not his to be around your children. You do not know this man and he has no clearance to be around your children.

She's not very professional to allow him to spend the morning with your DC.

She seems a little too careless with your children's safety and lacks any professionalism.

A couple of weeks? She barely knows him herself to be exposing your children to him!!!

MY DD is a professional nanny. This is not acceptable, during working hours your children are her focus and she should not be entertaining anyone. If the children are asleep in the evening and you have given permission then it is ok but otherwise no not acceptable at all.

Love is blind and you haven't vetted him.

I work as a nanny and think this is highly unprofessional and it wouldn't even enter my head to bring some one I was casually dating over to my work house during the day with the children present. Long term partners have met children in the past but prearranged with my boss ie both invited over for a meal or to do a day trip as an extra pair of hands but if they'd been unhappy then it wouldn't have even crossed my mind to be upset about it.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with a man I’ve never met being around my children in my own home. My sisters babysit for me sometimes and I would want to meet their bfs if they were going to be around my child at the very least.

Our after school nanny did that once. Except he had gone by the time I got home and I only knew because my DD’s told me.

I went fucking ape shit and phoned her immediately to remind her that I had trusted her with my children and she is never ever to bring anyone, male or female, into the house again, and that that was her one and only warning.

Talk to her immediately. Or find someone you can trust.

Is “nanny” in inverted commas? Has she got recognised qualifications? Because I’d be surprised if a proper nanny weren’t aware that this is a complete no-no.
You are under-reacting.

I'd have sacked her. Because she will go out and meet him, too. His cock is more important than her job.

News went round my workplace a few years ago about a staff member who had left his trusted Filipina cleaner to flatsit while he was away, while stipulating that her boyfriend, an obvious bully, was not to come over. Well, she moved the boyfriend in, he killed her right there in the flat, and the staff member returned to blood-spattered walls and a police investigation. Safety first, OP.

I'd have sacked her. Because she will go out and meet him, too. His cock is more important than her job.

Gordon Bennett, with a black & white mindset like this, how do you control the apoplexy, @groundanchochillipowder?
Did you miss the part where the OP described her nanny as "lovely", that her girls "adore" her, & that she "values the relationship"?

There is not need for the melodrama. OP is clearly kindly, & her hesitation in tackling the subject immediately has led to the nanny believing that OP has no problem with the b/f being around while the children are awake. All the OP needs to do is politely request that she reserves b/f time for after the kids are asleep.

Your fantasy about the nanny's imaginary cock-obsession is barking, & irrelevant.

What is the reason you are so frightened to address this?

I am also wondering if she's more of a 'nanny' as well.

Do you live in an area where it's hard to recruit?

I am sympathetic, if that is the case, and if you like someone and they have a good relationship with your kids, and they've been with you for a while it can be hard to take in a change in behaviour that is risky.

But this is not okay. This is a hard no.

Is she your nanny or an au Pair?

I assume she has provided a copy of his DBS?
Total no no for me too. Chances are, he's a lovely, trustworthy bloke. But this isn't something to take chances on, from the distracted nanny or unknown person in the home perspective.

OP, as a criminal barrister, this sets off so many red flags for me its untrue.

I have no idea if her boyfriend is an offender or not. What I do know is that if he was a sex offender, this is the perfect situation for him to gain access to your children.

Even the babysitting is a massive no no - what if he excuses himself to go upstairs to the toilet or something? He has easy access to your sleeping children.

This is concerning on two levels - one, as others have articulated, in respect of your nanny, who needs some child protection refresher training fast.

Secondly, you need to trust your instincts more. This is not "a tricky one". Far from it. It is really easy. The boyfriend must go, and if your children are too young to articulate to you what is happening in the household, the nanny must go too. Your children are too precious.

I'd have sacked her on the spot. She's let a person you don't know at all into your home and around your kids without any discussion with you? Way overstepped her boundaries there, and no, she is not sodding "lovely and professional". She's a moron. This person could be perfectly lovely, but she's not given you a choice as to whether they wander around your home or not, nor has she given you a choice as to whether they can interact with your kids or not. She's disrespectful, to say the least. She'd be out the door on her arse if she worked for me.

Ridiculous you are asking if you can ask your employee not to have friends over whilst they are on duty.

On another call I’d not have a strange man in the house whilst i was out but that’s your call.

YANU - I would not even let a nanny bring a man I didn't know over to babysit with her when my children are asleep!

Summerbreeze to clarify when I said it is acceptable for the nanny to have her boyfriend over when the children are asleep, this would be with the employer's consent. Not something I would expect a Nanny to ask for or expect to be acceptable but the op had stated that she had already agreed to this.

A professional Nanny would never ask to entertain someone when she is on duty.

I’m still not convinced anyone is actually that cavalier with their children’s safety. How naive would you have to be?

I used to be a nanny and this is 110% not on

Thanks very much for your comments. It will absolutely not be happening again, whether the children are awake or asleep.

Yanbu

Who brings a boyfriend to work?