To ask our lovely nanny not to have her boyfriend around during working hours?

[Ireallyneedtonamechangeforthis]

This is a really tricky one. We have a lovely nanny, who we and the girls absolutely adore. I really don't want to get this one wrong or be unreasonable, as it could damage our relationship, which I really value, and so please do tell me honestly if you think I ABU before I say or do something which might be unfair.

Our nanny has a new boyfriend. They've been together a few weeks but already it seems very serious and she is really happy, which is wonderful.

Today I can come from work and the new boyfriend had been here all morning with her and the DC, and had been with them while they went for a walk. I had previously said it was ok for him to come around and watch TV with her whilst she was babysitting this evening, but after the DC were asleep. It feels a little bit different while the DC are awake - I'd prefer her to be focussed on what they want to do, play, etc. She is incredibly professional and trustworthy, but inevitably, while there is another adult present, we all end up focusing on the conversation with the other adult, rather than on the DC's imaginary games, etc. We hadn't discussed this in advance. WIBU to ask that she doesn't bring him along during working hours while the DC are awake, and just keeps it to babysitting hours while they're asleep? I don't want to be mean. She is so loved up and happy, and it's so lovely to see her this way

Well, personally, I used to be a nanny and one of my employers felt the same way and really offended me when they explained this, tbh. I felt if they trusted my judgement then they should trust me to make sure the kids were still getting the right amount of attention while I was working, and that they should trust me never to leave the children alone with someone else.

My other 2 employers were fine with it and didn't mind the occasional visit, or even days out with my boyfriend. We were totally focused on the children the whole time as we both enjoyed their company and saw it as a treat to spend time with them. We even took the kids out in our spare time sometimes and had them for a sleepover. So it was a shock to be told by another employer that basically, they didn't trust me or my boyfriend and that it wasn't permitted.

This was far from the only problem I had with this employer, their whole attitude towards me was difficult - I felt like a servant rather than a trusted employee and I left that job quite quickly. One of my other employers was quite cautious and particular about everything, but she treated me with respect and empathy and that made all the difference. We are still good friends now and I see her and the children (now adults) quite frequently.

Having said that, now I am a parent I can see I might feel differently about it, especially if it was quite a new boyfriend. But if I really trusted the nanny and her judgement, and wanted to continue a good relationship with her for years to come, I think I would try to reach a compromise. If you put some ground rules in place eg, only one visit per fortnight, never leave the kids alone with the bf, always let you know when he is planning to come over, etc, would you feel a bit happier about it? And keep checking in with the kids and seeing how they feel. It could be a really positive experience for them to spend time with another adult if the boyfriend is a nice guy who likes children.

Just a different point of view from someone who has been in the position of your nanny!

But @SnakesAndStones - the boyfriend in this case has had no checks done on him, not even the nanny knows him in any meaningful way. I am truly appalled that the OP even considered asking aibu

@SnakesAndStones I also ran a couple of nanny agencies and we would have taken. VERY dim view of you having your boyfriend over without asking first. This would be something that we would have not offered you further work for. Shows a HUGE lack of appropriate boundaries and judgment.

Eh?!

No way. Not even for babysitting evenings is this appropriate.

Also curious as to how old the nanny is.
I would go mad if a nanny did this to me. There is no way she is able to focus on the children when he is there not to mention the safety side as others have mentioned. Why isn't he at work /studying either? Seems a bit weird all of it.

Wowzers, these threads do escalate. A mistake made, OP has said she will ensure it won’t happen again, boundaries now clear, everyone moves forward.

No need to question anyone’s parenting or call people idiots. Jeez

@Paramicha
Horrible comment - reported

Everyone else - OP read all the comments, said what she was going to do and thanked everyone.

Why all the comments berating her and her parenting style? It sounds to me as if she'll really think about how she'll proceed with the nanny and is really appreciative of the advice.

She didn’t say what she was going to do, she said it would never happen again. A little bit stupid; because she has absolutely no control over whether it does or not.

I’d be giving her notice to be honest. She sounds like a bloody fool. I wouldn’t trust her judgment. I stopped using a house sitter when we’d agreed it would just be her and then I found out her new squeeze who she’d known for 2 weeks was also staying over and there weren’t even houseplants involved let alone kids. It’s about trust.

snakes I'm astounded that you thought that was OK. I'm guessing you were very young when all that was going on.

We were totally focused on the children the whole time as we both enjoyed their company and saw it as a treat to spend time with them
I can't imagine there is any young man (or woman for that matter) who considers it a treat to spend their day with a complete strangers kids.

SnakesandStones’s whole post has a very odd vibe.

We've just deleted a few posts that really aren't in the spirit - please do keep TGs in mind when posting. It's completely fine to disagree (it is AIBU after all) but parent blaming and personal attacks aren't what we're about.

Thanks all

I was in my 20s but the important thing was not my age but that my employers and I had a relationship of trust. I was treated like one of the family and in return I gave their children the best experience I could and continue to have a close loving relationship with them until this day.

I can't imagine there is any young man (or woman for that matter) who considers it a treat to spend their day with a complete strangers kids
Well my boyfriend enjoyed it, and now I know someone is going to suggest he had ulterior motives. He didn't. He was just a very nice chap who enjoyed being around children, as I did. This is why I chose that job and one of the reasons that I chose him as a partner. Children are very important to my life!

Catofdoom, I agree she should have asked first. But the employer had agreed he could come over while she was babysitting and it sounds like she misunderstood that this was not permission given to have him round during the day. Nobody seems to be giving the nanny the benefit of the doubt that there may have been miscommunication. I would also say, I am sure I did all sorts of things that would be frowned on by a nanny agency and this is why I would never work for one. I chose my employers as carefully as they chose me and had some wonderful experiences. I know the children had excellent care, far better than a series of agency nannies behaving in a super-professional way.

The nanny should have checked it with her employer that this was OK, after the employers had met him. But this blanket 'no' shows a lack of respect and trust to me and if I was in this situation I would be seeking to find compromises I was happy with, as I said earlier.

There is no way she is able to focus on the children when he is there
This is nonsense. Do you focus on your children when your spouse is at home? Or are you suddenly incapable of doing so?

I can't imagine there is any young man (or woman for that matter) who considers it a treat to spend their day with a complete strangers kids

Absolute tosh.

Good, loyal and trustworthy women are taken in by bad men all the time.

I have a 20 year old DS, and I also really hate the almost automatic worry that all men are paedophiles and rapists. However, this would raise concerns for me.

If my DS had a new GF who was a nanny I couldn’t imagine him even thinking of going to spend time with her while she was working, unless he had met, and had the explicit permission from the parents.

SnakesandStones’s whole post has a very odd vibe

That's a pretty rude thing to say. Are you implying I'm a troll? Something more sinister? Or do you mean you just don't agree with my views?

@SnakesAndStones THE NANNY DOESNT KNOW THE BLOKE. FFS ITS A FEW WEEKS OF DATING. HE COULD BE A FUCKING AXE MURDERER. OR WORSE

It's not about trusting the nanny at all

You are being very very very naive imo

If this was my nanny, I would either sack her or give her a final warning. I am a Behaviour Mentor with a caseload of students and I would get in trouble if I did not notify my school and brought in my husband of 5 years (let alone a boyfriend of a few weeks) to hang out with the kids.

Lawnmowing you don't need to shout.

You are being very very very naive imo

No, I'm suggesting a different way of dealing with this, because the nanny may feel offended and upset and I presume the OP doesn't want to screw up her relationship with the 'lovely' nanny.

I would say, "I don't want you to bring people I haven't met to the house. I'd like to meet any friends you want to bring over and then for you to check with me that it's OK before they come round while I'm out."

But the nanny IMO hasn't done anything heinous. The OP had given her permission to have the bf over when she was babysitting. Nor do I think the children are at risk if the nanny is trustworthy, sensible and doesn't leave the bf unattended with the children.

But the nanny IMO hasn't done anything heinous. The OP had given her permission to have the bf over when she was babysitting

Actually the OP gave her permission to do this in the evening when the children were asleep and therefore not around.
The nanny broke even those basic rules. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Dd babysits regularly and sometimes sleeps over. Her bf of years asked to come over and she was horrified and said no I'm working! Shame the OPs nanny doesn't take her job that seriously!

But the nanny IMO hasn't done anything heinous.

IMO she has done something heinous

I would say, "I don't want you to bring people I haven't met to the house. I'd like to meet any friends you want to bring over and then for you to check with me that it's OK before they come round while I'm out."

I might expect to have to say that to a 14 year old babysitter

Not a grown assed woman who’s job is a nanny!

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

No, I'm not. Are you being deliberately rude? We have different opinions on this. That's all.

I don't know what was said to the nanny when the OP agreed to the boyfriend coming round. If she said "yes it's OK, but only on this one occasion and never during the daytime," then it's one thing. If the conversation went like this:

"Is it OK for Joe to come round later when I'm working?"
"Yes, that's fine."

Then it's something different.

Everyone getting very irate about the nanny bringing the bf over when the OP had not met him first.... she had already granted permission for this.

I'm wondering what people think could happen during the day when the children are awake that could not happen during the evening when the children are asleep? Children are MORE vulnerable when they are asleep in bed, not less. Why is it OK for the bf to be there at that time, with the nanny also present to supervise, and not during the day time?