To ask our lovely nanny not to have her boyfriend around during working hours?

[Ireallyneedtonamechangeforthis]

This is a really tricky one. We have a lovely nanny, who we and the girls absolutely adore. I really don't want to get this one wrong or be unreasonable, as it could damage our relationship, which I really value, and so please do tell me honestly if you think I ABU before I say or do something which might be unfair.

Our nanny has a new boyfriend. They've been together a few weeks but already it seems very serious and she is really happy, which is wonderful.

Today I can come from work and the new boyfriend had been here all morning with her and the DC, and had been with them while they went for a walk. I had previously said it was ok for him to come around and watch TV with her whilst she was babysitting this evening, but after the DC were asleep. It feels a little bit different while the DC are awake - I'd prefer her to be focussed on what they want to do, play, etc. She is incredibly professional and trustworthy, but inevitably, while there is another adult present, we all end up focusing on the conversation with the other adult, rather than on the DC's imaginary games, etc. We hadn't discussed this in advance. WIBU to ask that she doesn't bring him along during working hours while the DC are awake, and just keeps it to babysitting hours while they're asleep? I don't want to be mean. She is so loved up and happy, and it's so lovely to see her this way

YANBU. She barely knows who this man is, he shouldn’t be allowed around your children.

How old is she?

None of us know your nanny. She may be an otherwise lovely person but in this matter she has really overstepped the mark and made an error of judgement. It’s definitely not ok at all for her boyfriend to have contact with your children, day or night. I’m surprised you and she didn’t immediately know this.

Aside from safeguarding, her attention is not fully on your children if another adult is present. I feel the same way about nannies going on group outings with other nannies and their charges but I’m aware I’m in the minority.

How can you know it won’t happen again? She could take your dcs out instead and meet him. How old and articulate are they?

Wtf! YANBU.

Not only is she not having full attention on your DC which you are paying her for, but she's allowing a stranger to be around your children. That's bad safeguarding imo.

I'd be furious. Is she quite young?

The only response to this should be to sack her. She put your children's safety at risk. Unforgivable. If she is so hung up on this man that after 2 weeks she allows him to hang round your kids at work all day she can not be trusted not to be off meeting him with them or to sneak him into the house when you're not there.

Why wasn't the boyfriend in work himself BTW?

YABU, report her to the agency she came from and replace her.

It will absolutely not be happening again. Don’t be a fool, op. You have no say over whether it happens again or not, if you continue to employ her.

I'd fire her.

Shows a lack of professionalism and lack of responsibility towards her charges.

Let's face it this guy could be anyone

mussolini9

^

Sorry, can't help but see the irony of your username and your post!

As you were

I was a nanny for years and ex boyfriends spent a lot of time with certain families. I even took some of the kids on holiday with one ex. Or they'd come and stay when the parents went away. Or come on zoo trips etc to help.

But, this was always after the parents had met them. And each and every time they'd come over I'd get permission.

And this was a long time ago.

I can't believe she took - hanging out while babysitting to mean they could hang out in the day. She's either cheeky or stupid.

Oh this can't be for real: nanny brings complete stranger into your home where your (I presume) young DC are, and you think 'oh, tricky, as she's so lovely and trustworthy' … I would be going mental!!! I wouldn't want him in my house when I am not there AT ALL.

This strikes me as a case if both the employer and the employee not having a clear sense of appropriate boundaries within the working environment.

You can have a good relationship with your Nanny as their employer, but you need to maintain the employer relationship and sense of appropriate behaviour. You are probably older and she will take her lead from you, so you need to know what is appropriate In Terms of all kind of things and be clear with her about these aspects. Things have slipped and it is always harder to rein them back in, but you will need to do this. If you don't you will continue to have problems and you are not actually looking after your children well by allowing this to happen - it is ultimately your responsibility. Ensuring your children are properly cared for is the priority, not pleasing a Nanny.

Do nannies have to be Ofsted registered? If so I'd be reporting to them. I couldn't trust her after that though.
@HeadintheiClouds my DSCs mum was perfectly happy to let her kids be around a man she knows to be a child abuser, some people really are cavalier with their children's safety.

Seriously? You are joking , right? You say she's lovely and a trustworthy nanny

No
She
Is
Not

She brought a man into your home where your kids are. You do not know this man and neither does she. He has not been DBS checked

Are you MAD to even consider allowing this to continue?

I would sack her on the spot. Gross misconduct

YANBU what if he has an accident in your home, or accidentally hurts your DC... has he been police checked like she has? Does he have insurance?

No, she’s at work and they are both being irresponsible and unreasonable. If you’re uncomfortable saying something to her, then just say the above to her bf.

What is tricky about it? She had brought a man you have never met to spend time with your daughters. That is not trustworthy or professional it is a breach on so many levels. You need to tell her this clearly.

Yanbu- also your child might not actually feel comfortable having the boyfriend over and not vocalise it. I was about 4 when my au pairs boyfriend was around when I got in the bath and can still remember being annoyed by it!

I saw your update op, just how are you planning to police her? Because she doesn’t have to keep her word. I’d also be very concerned that anyone so besotted as to actually bring their boyfriend to work, would be on the phone all day to him even if he isn’t there.

You have a problem because the trust has broken down, whether you are acknowledging this is the case or not. Your nanny has shown she has very poor judgement, it’s a pretty fundamental skill as the nanny of your dc.

Or he could be a burglar, casing the joint for an unscheduled midnight visit to your jewellery. You just don't know. But even if he's lovely it's hardly the point. It's not her bloody house to invite random bods into.

Anyway, you're putting a stop to it so hopefully she'll learn something from this - preferably not to take more care you don't find out...

This nanny cannot be trusted, as you will discover again should you keep her.

It’s a classic case of very nice kind mother, very accommodating of the nanny, but with blurry boundaries, and a nanny perhaps too young and unexperienced to fully comprehend the danger she is exposing everyone to?
I have had similar situations myself, and the only way forward is a deep breath and nipping it in the bud. She is not your friend, nor part of the trusted circle of your family, she is putting you all at risk.

Id be furious and firing her. How dare she bring a strange man into your house with your children. She doesn't know him at all.

Your fantasy about the nanny's imaginary cock-obsession is barking, & irrelevant.

What's barking is being so cavalier about a random stranger being round one's kids in their home, as nearly every single person on this thread has said, and plenty would have sacked her on the spot, no melodrama needed, it's gross misconduct, stupid and entirely relevant when one's paid employment is nannying kids and she brings her boyfriend to work .