To ask our lovely nanny not to have her boyfriend around during working hours?

[Ireallyneedtonamechangeforthis]

This is a really tricky one. We have a lovely nanny, who we and the girls absolutely adore. I really don't want to get this one wrong or be unreasonable, as it could damage our relationship, which I really value, and so please do tell me honestly if you think I ABU before I say or do something which might be unfair.

Our nanny has a new boyfriend. They've been together a few weeks but already it seems very serious and she is really happy, which is wonderful.

Today I can come from work and the new boyfriend had been here all morning with her and the DC, and had been with them while they went for a walk. I had previously said it was ok for him to come around and watch TV with her whilst she was babysitting this evening, but after the DC were asleep. It feels a little bit different while the DC are awake - I'd prefer her to be focussed on what they want to do, play, etc. She is incredibly professional and trustworthy, but inevitably, while there is another adult present, we all end up focusing on the conversation with the other adult, rather than on the DC's imaginary games, etc. We hadn't discussed this in advance. WIBU to ask that she doesn't bring him along during working hours while the DC are awake, and just keeps it to babysitting hours while they're asleep? I don't want to be mean. She is so loved up and happy, and it's so lovely to see her this way

@Ireallyneedtonamechangeforthis
Definitely not acceptable I’ve known my DH 20 years he’s amazing husband, friend, brother, uncle etc. But I work in role that requires DBS so I wouldn’t consider letting him come to work with me ( neither would my manager).
It’s a totally ridiculous situation, why is he not working and why is your employee okay with this? Surely if she’s a trained Child care worker she’s undertaken mandatory training.

If she was a hospital nurse, would it be OK for her to bring her boyfriend into the ward and hang around chatting to her while she's supposed to be looking after the patients?

No I agree with everything everyone else has said. I couldn't have another stranger/man around my children. You are paying her and you wouldn't be allowed to take your boyfriend to work at an office job. I'm very surprised she has even thought this would be ok. I think she is taking the p.

She cannot bring her boyfriend round without your consent. She is working for goodness sake, she wouldn't take him to an office for example so why does she think it's ok to do that in your home with your DC there to top it off. Highly unprofessional

.......On a more serious and yes maybe jumping to conclusions level but it really is weird!!! She may be nice etc but what if shes a pervert, what if shes playing the nice act and then her boyfriend is all in on it, sorry yes its awful and dramatic but you just don't know! Get rid

You’re not being one bit unreasonable. She’s working, and she should be focused on that. No one else takes boyfriend/partner/hubby to work for cosy chats and walks. I understand you don’t want to rock the boat as you clearly have a great relationship, but she is not being professional. Also I wouldn’t want this unknown adult in my home with my child. I think you need to talk to her. 🍀

My concern would be that even if you say she is not allowed to see him during working hours, which is entirely fair enough, then she will go out with the children to meet him. I would have issues with trusting her after this.

Hadn't thought of that.

Valid point.

Are your children old enough to tell you about their day?

I wouldn't trust her at all after a move like that and would sack her. Don't care if the boyfriend is the Pope or other Saint, I don't know him and that's it. That is CFery at it's best.

I agree with everyone else. This is seriously unacceptable and I can't believe you really allowed him to come over even after your DC are asleep. It's an unknown man around your children, potentially unsupervised. Definitely, definitely not.

And is he first aid trained? Does he know about age appropriate foods and items to keep out of reach of kids? It sounds silly but I have friends in their twenties who really have no clue about the swallowing risk of things like coins, grapes and lots of other things that are second nature to those who are used to being around children.

(Sorry if your DC are older but you know, age appropriate things still apply!)

You need to think what kind of a man would want to be around small kids when hanging out with a woman he’s just met...most men would run. He sounds like a creep.

You're being too nice, I'd be seriously losing my shit about this. How dare she invite a man into your house who she barely knows and with your kids around. Sackable offence in my eyes

This.

OP
What would you think if your DC were of school age and their teacher had a random person in the class? Unchecked?Give your head a wobble and protect your kids, she’s not your pal she’s your employee.

I agree with PPs. I wouldn't allow him in the house at all. Whether the DCs are awake or asleep makes no difference. He's a stranger and your nanny has shown incredibly poor judgement.
It seems your relationship with her has compromised boundaries. If you decide to keep her then you need to formalise your expectations which obviously include no strangers in the house or meeting them outside whilst she is responsible for the DCs.

You are being far to nice about this

She brought in a man you had never met to interact with your daughters and go on a walk with them without asking you.

Were you due home when you arrived or were you unexpectedly early?

I’m a Nanny and I wouldn’t have my boyfriend around during working hours. It’s not very professional.

OP separately I do feel you need to have a serious look at your boundaries and those of your children. The fact you have even had to ask on MN shows that you are more worried about offending your (not so) lovely nanny than you are protecting your own children.

Your priorities seem misplaced. Have a long hard look why you would ever think this is okay? Your children are your responsibility, and your dp/dh if you have one. The buck always stops with you. You need to have a cold look at the set up for your children all round I should think.

YANBU.

I would NOT want my DC around someone I barely knew. Shes BVU even thinking this would be ok?

oh dear, I too would fire her for this.

You shouldn't have need to discuss this: you don't bring a partner to work. You certainly don't bring unvetted people around children trusted to your care.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!!

Until you tell her that he cannot come in no uncertain terms, you are giving a complete stranger access to your children and your house.

I can't believe you are even questioning this!!!!!

Seeing as you said she could bring him around in the evening maybe it was a misunderstanding? Having said that, I sacked our nanny for doing just that! When I took her on she was single, she then met a bloke who was just awful and wouldn't let her go to work without being there too to check up on her! I said that was unacceptable and he kept on calling me with abusive rants. I feel sorry for her (he is now her husband!) but I couldn't put up with that.

I think I'd fire her, lovely or not. She shouldn't be introducing a completely unknown man to your DC, or hanging out with him during work time. Has she never heard of safeguarding?! If she's this clueless I don't think she's a good nanny, even if she's really nice.

I'm not a fan of the automatic assumption that a man is likely to be a predator so for now I'll ignore that element although there are some flags here for me based on the situation.

In no other job would it be okay to have your new partner come and hang out while you're working. None. It's just not something anyone would consider even vaguely appropriate whether you work in an office, a school or as a cleaner. The fact that neither you nor your nanny realise this, is a problem.

There's a big difference between babysitting - occasional ad hoc care, usually while kids are sleeping anyway - and nannying. Nannying is much more focused and should be about more than just making sure your child doesn't fall into the traffic.

Our (genuinely) lovely nanny has looked after our DC for 3 years. I've told her that if she ever needs to pop home or whatever, I have no issue with that. And part of me would like DC to meet her family as of course, she talks about them and the DC love her and are curious. But in those 3 years, the closest she has come is ONE TIME taking DD to her house, when her boyfriend was out, because DD was desperate to meet nanny's dogs!