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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ghosted this friend?

157 replies

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 14:03

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 17/07/2019 14:05

I’m afraid I think yes. Meet up with her have coffee and explain your position. I don’t think you get a clean end to ghosting you just feel guilty etc. There is very few people who can ghost and not feel bad you don’t sound one of them OP

LooUpdate · 17/07/2019 14:05

Why didn't you just tell her?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/07/2019 14:07

It went on for years and years....but did you ever let her know how you feel.

I guess in a way YANBU if you know you'll never have to see the woman again, but on the flip side for her YABU as it must be very hurtful and she's probably wondering what she did. It's a bit cowardly really OP but it's done now, but maybe with other friendships just be more honest if there are things that need to be said.

kaldefotter · 17/07/2019 14:09

You need to do the right thing for yourself, which you’ve done. That said, it would have been fairer to let her know that you felt that all contact between you was massively focused on her, and that you felt drained and a little used. She might have acknowledged it, and resolved to be fairer to you.

As it is, you just told her you were busy, and eventually blocked her. It doesn’t sound as though she has the self-awareness to realise the cause by herself. She may forever wonder what on earth happened.

PurpleDaisies · 17/07/2019 14:09

I think you’ve behaved pretty badly.

Smelborp · 17/07/2019 14:10

I think it would have been kinder to explain. This leaves things unresolved so you could well be left with this guilt for years, and she’ll be wondering for years.

Elliebellbell · 17/07/2019 14:11

If you don't get anything from the friendship then there's no reason you should continue it but it's a bit shit blocking her off everything when she's not done you any harm.

chiccocico · 17/07/2019 14:11

Bit shitty of you.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 17/07/2019 14:13

I would send her a message giving the gist (fairly kindly) of what you've told us - that all the "chats" were based around her and you felt unheard and unappreciated. Leave it in her court so if she responds in a positive way MAYBE you can carry on (dep on how things are when you do meet up of course) or if she huffs, well no loss.

Yellowweatherwarning · 17/07/2019 14:20

I binned 2 friends a few years ago. Ghosted 1 and emailed the other a detailed explanation of why I wanted to let our friendship go.
Sending the email was def better for me. Felt quite empowered tbh.
Try it!!

herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 14:21

God, how awful. I block people who send me dick pics (not that anyone does) or call me names, not people I am actually friends with who have started to irritate me. Shock

PeevedNiamh · 17/07/2019 14:21

Yes you are unreasonable. Behave like an adult. Unblock her and message her to explain you found your friendship very draining and at the moment you are not in a place where you want to continue it. I'm sure you can put it nicely.

Original poster
DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 14:29

Ah well there you are.... my conscience it correct.....! I have been unreasonable..... i thought I might have been.

Not trying to defend my actions, but I have tried to talk to her over the years in a kind way - saying things like "Oh let me tell you about my news" or tried to do activities with her, so it takes the focus of her just pouring out her woes. She never asked me anything about myself, even when one of my children was really ill which she knew about, or when I was struggling with DH and some issues....

Tbh - I have been cowardly, as her lack of acknowledgment of things that hurt / upset / worried me make me feel resentful to her. I suppose in the end I just cracked and thought I cant be bothered any more. I know she wouldnt have taken the email very well at all, or a phone message. I do feel she loves drama, and making things about her, almost like she seeks out conflict. So in hindsight I think I thought that she would just use it as a chance to moan about how awful things are, and how she cant rely on anyone.

It wasnt a decision I took lightly. I suppose if I kept texting someone and they never arranged to meet up with me after 2 years I would have got the message that we had drifted apart.....

OP posts:
Namechangedonceagain · 17/07/2019 14:33

I think that was really unreasonable and unkind. You should have explained to her. Ghosting is really awful. The poor woman probably feels gutted and confused and I think your twinges of guilt are justified!

MagicMojito · 17/07/2019 14:40

Yep sorry but it's quite a shitty thing to do, different story if she was a toxic person in your life, but she is just self centered. I would just keep very low contact or explain the friendships come to a natural end.

Some people genuinely don't realise they are so emotionally draining. It doesn't necessarily mean they are awful people but that they lack self awareness.

Brainfogmcfogface · 17/07/2019 14:44

Think you should have given her a chance and told her how you feel, at least then she could change her was if she wanted, and if not you could then have ghosted her and she’d know why, as it stands she hasn’t a clue and it will probably cause her some stress and upset trying to figure out what’s gone on. So yeah, bit shitty really op sorry...

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 17/07/2019 14:45

I’ve done it before. Friendship should be a two way thing. Obviously there will be ebbs and flows when one person needs more support than the other. But if, over a period of years, it’s consistently one way it’s not much of a friendship.

Like you OP I did feel guilty but the relief made the guilt worthwhile.

MrsMozartMkII · 17/07/2019 14:45

Y'up. Unkind of you. Friends should tell each other how they feel and be clear. I've done it and had it done to me. Made for much better relationships. I've also be ghosted and it's truly shit. If I've done something wrong for the love of all that is right tell me and I'll try and fix it.

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2019 14:45

Yes this is bad, ghosting someone is never ok unless they are a threat to you. Just because you couldn't be arsed discussing her issues anymore doesn't mean it's right to block her.

Fairly shitty and I hope if you're in trouble someone doesn't do it to you.

Karma is a bitch like that.

MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 14:46

These people up thread just love the drama and actively encourage confrontation.

Ghosting allows you to put the relationship down yet keep it open ended. Im sure posters love the dramatics of getting someone to dish a list of personality defects. I have absolutely no idea why anyone would think that is a good idea, or kind. All this silly bollocks about 'closure' is piffle. One day you might bump into each other again and find you are both on the same page and reconnect and the relationship is much better. Or not.

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2019 14:49

Ghosting allows you to put the relationship down yet keep it open ended

I think we all need to assume you don't know what ghosting is, because if you did you'd be embarrassed to write that. I mean cmon, does it fuck. It's the rudest behaviour and leaves the person wondering why they are blocked and ignored suddenly. Hugely hurtful and way more hurtful than a gentle chat or letting it drift.

VenusTiger · 17/07/2019 14:55

If you be honest and tell her what the issues are and she never speaks to you again, result is the same but without the guilt. I say meet up and be frank with her.

fingernailsbitten · 17/07/2019 14:57

I sympathise.

I recently bumped into an ex work colleague in the street. We chatted for about 20 minutes (during my lunchbreak). Afterwards I realised that she hadn't asked me how I was or was I was doing in my life. Made me think that she just wanted to talk about her life and problems and have a good old moan.

Sometimes you have to let it slide.

Saying that I lost my cool over a situation with my partner's friend's GF. She would repeat things I'd said to her. She would listen to stuff and then tell her partner everyword of what i'd said and then he'd repeat it to my partner over social media/whatsapp before I even got home from being out with her. I confronted her by mobile phone one day and said I've had enough of you telling your partner every word I say and him winding my partner up over every single detail. My P was being hounded by his 'friend' with more than 20 messages per evening goading him to react/respond/reply and to deny or confirm what I'd discussed with someone I thought was a friend. I told her in a clear way that she and her partner clearly had nothing better to talk about than me and my partner and I said it's a shame our freiendship had ended over this.Months later I messaged the woman to apologise for my phonecall and to say I hope she is well and that I really wish I had not said what i said. I got no reply.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 17/07/2019 15:00

I thought you were going to say that you stopped replying - after all, it has been two years. Well, you know you have been a bit harsh now anyway. You can't unblock without her realizing, I presume...? No one has ever blocked me so I don't know how it works.

saj90 · 17/07/2019 15:07

I have been ghosted by a 'friend' before, it's cruel, childish and rude in my opinion. It hurts. It happened 6 years ago and it still hurts.

I guarantee she has no idea what has made you block her from every angle.

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