To have ghosted this friend?

[DelphicOracle]

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

From a close friend, yes but in the OP's case although the friendship was 25 years old, they weren't actually that close. The relationship was becoming a one way street. This is something that happens over time and the drip drip of the nature of it means you don't realise until years have passed. The OP has since realised, because of this thread, that she should have dealt with it years ago but didn't. She's admitted that but she's probably only now just realised. That's life.

If her friend had been a grown up together, share all secret, there for each other through thick and thin then yes, it would be unreasonable to be ghosted but it doesn't sound like this friendship was that sort. The OP has tried to distance herself over the last couple of years but the friend hasn't noticed because she's too wrapped up in her own world.

DelphicOracle Wed 17-Jul-19 14:29:04

^
I could have written this about someone whom i would have loved to be friends with but her high levels of self absorption suck all life out of me, she makes it impossible for me to be her friend. So sad. She is otherwise quite on my wavelength.

My ds had a complicated leg fracture and needed corrective surgery. She commented that i should stop making a big deal as none was dying.

Yet, whenever her ds has a minor illness e.g. a sprain from football she makes a massive deal out if it. So, so strange. It's like her family are super important and she expects other people to find them super important yet she doesn't reciprocate empathy, she just hoovers it up.

Exhausting, I have ditched her and feel better for it.

People like your friend OP are energy hoovers.

You know the term 'ghosting' is relatively new, something borne from the new era of constant communication. Previously contact would be in person, by phone or a letter so responding would be slower paced therefore 'ghosting' may not have been so obvious. However with there now being so many ways of contacting someone, their lack of response is more noticeable more quickly and excuses for not wanting contact are shoved under the label 'ghosting'.

I don't actually think the OP has ghosted her. When you look at various definitions, ghosting is associated with intense or close relationships. That does not seem to have been the case with the OP and her friend. OP has been trying to put the distance in for the last two years, on a relationship that was one sided and toxic.

See here for an amusing ditty on ten reasons where ghosting is acceptable www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/ghosting-a-friend no. 5 seems like the situation in this thread but even then it applies to a close relationship, not the one described by the OP.

I don’t agree with ‘ghosting’. It’s cowardly behaviour.

She then sometimes tells me about seeing less and less people and feeling alone/ out of the loop, I honestly don’t think she’s aware of the facial expressions she can pull in front of people.

So, when she's said that, have you told her why?

i just can’t imagine having the nerve to pointing out to someone their personal shortcomings. I’d be fairly confident I’d get a big dose of reality right back, and the end of the friendship anyway.
The farthest I would go is saying something like ‘you’re come across as confident and always have loads to talk about, I think some people might find you a bit intimidating? What do you think?’

Ghosting is mean, cowardly and selfish. The other person is left clueless as to what they have done with no means of improving upon the "offending" behaviours. They are just left hurt and confused which often leaves them without closure regarding the end of the relationship. Its torturous reviewing over and over again every action you've ever done to discern what you did that made your "friend" abandon you.

Paint yourself however you want, but this just makes you look like a selfish, petty, childish coward. Your ex-friend wasnt abusive or unkind, just inconsiderate and you cant even do her the courtesy of explaining that the friendship is over and why? Ghosting her is far more disrespectful than explaining your feelings to her like a proper adult.

Have you ever done it 12inch? Met up with a friend, told them what they’d done wrong, and said you wouldn’t see them again because of it?

I was ghosted by someone I'd known from age 4, when I wouldn't do something she wanted me to do - lie about something. It was a while before I realised what a relief it was not to have her in my life any longer. She was forever giving me little lectures about quite normal things that I did, where she was projecting her own problems onto me. She had a weight problem, so if she saw me eating what she considered too much of something I'd get a lecture that I was a bit obsessive about food, and should be able to control myself. For instance, olives at lunchtime! It's years since I saw her, and mutual friends have occasionally tried to mend the rift, but I don't want to, I'm just glad I don't have her judging my every move.

Op I really hope no one ever does this to you. I hope your ex friend has support else where and someone can finally be honest with her about how she makes others feel.

@Herocomplex

Yes I have told people why I can't maintain a friendship with them, and as a result they never needed to bombard me with messages about why I'm not talking to them or spend countless hours torturing themselves by analysing every interaction to discern what they did wrong. Both of the people I severed ties with accepted why I had done so (one was because he wouldnt stop making sexual comments about me, the other was because he was a Jekyll and Hyde character who would get drunk/high and act like a complete dick to me but was otherwise lovely).

Conversely I've been ghosted twice and both times were deeply hurtful. Once for voicing concern about my best friend getting engaged too soon (she was 21 and had known the guy for 5 months and had previously been in a string of dysfunctional relationships). The other person who ghosted me was someone I had been dating who ghosted me after my Jekyll/Hyde friend sent him a threatening message (which I had no clue about until years later).

Both times I got ghosted resulted in me sending messages asking why they wouldnt tell me what I did wrong, and my feelings for both weren't resolved until years later when other mutual friends were able to find out the reason why. I.e. even our mutual friends were left feeling confused as to why I had been ghosted. It's destroyed my trust in people and I haven't got close to anyone new since. In fact I grew more emotionally distant to everyone around me because I can't deal with the pain of going through it again.

Ghosting is cruel and cowardly.

Thank you for your response 12inch I appreciate your honesty.

@Herocomplex

No problem

For the most part if one of my friends hurts me or annoys me I tend to let them know gently as soon as is appropriate (I.e. if its not a one-off and they haven't picked up on my upset).

Just to clarify, I don't condone character assassinations or using "honesty" as an excuse to be mean and get petty revenge. In both cases above I told them as gently as I could after a pattern of behaviour, gave them a chance to redeem themselves (repeatedly!), but ultimately had to sit them down and end the friendships. It isn't easy but they know me as being fair and honest so they accepted it.

12inch in hindsight the people I’ve dropped have usually pushed me a long way, and I always say something to them along the lines of they’re not themselves, and I was a upset by something they said or did. I’ve stuck by people who’ve behaved badly because I knew they were going through terrible times, and I’ve definitely got a friend who takes a lot more than she gives, but I can accept that because she’s good fun, I like her and I don’t need to rely on her for anything.

it is a total arsehole of a thing to do

I hope no-one ever does it to you because it is wretched.

A lifelong friend did it to me about 4 years ago. I'm still good friends with her brother and even he has no idea why.

I made an effort initially to give her a chance to explain what her problem with me was but she just kept avoiding me.

She'll have to see me again sometime, we have mutual people in common and even things like attending funerals will be awkward but I don't think I did anything wrong, if anything latterly her behaviour towards me was horrible and I kept excusing it, wish I hadn't bothered now.

I posted earlier that I have done this and felt guilty but very relieved. Reading Elliebellbell’s post reminded me that it has also happened to me. It was a long time ago, before social media, and I gradually realised that someone was no longer calling me or replying to my answerphone messages suggesting we meet. Then I didn’t get Birthday/Christmas cards. I was hurt as I gradually realised I’d be dropped as a friend but not altogether surprised. Our lives had grown apart as one of us had married/become a SAHM and the other one was much more career/party minded.
As I say I was a little hurt but it didn’t devastate me and when I saw her brother a couple of years ago I was able to ask after her without any bitterness and with genuine interest in how she was doing. I think if she’d taken the trouble to sit me down face to face and explain to me exactly why she was phasing me out it would have been a lot more dramatic and harder to get over.

She never asked me anything about myself, even when one of my children was really ill which she knew about, or when I was struggling with DH and some issues...

Those were the points where you could have ghosted her - though it would've been better to tell her why. But now, she's just going to be left wondering what the hell she's done. I think that's cruel.

Being ghosted is horrible but the alternative suggested by some on here of listing the shortcomings and expecting your friend to sit there, quietly nodding in agreement and promising to do better next time is hopelessly unrealistic.

If my former friend had done that to me I would have been furious and taken great pleasure in telling her all the shitty things she'd ever done right back at her.

There's not really a painless way to do it.

@namechangeninjaevervigilant being ghosted nowadays is a lot more obvious though - you can see if you're "blocked", you can see if your friend has "seen" your messages on Facebook/WhatsApp and has actively chosen not to reply, you can see that if your friend is still interacting with others normally and that it's just you that they've phased out.

It's deeply hurtful to have a lifelong friend who used to constantly interact with you ("liking" all your statuses and photos, always messaging you, always texting and ringing) suddenly stop interacting at all. Even more so to realise you've actually been blocked from viewing their profile and being a part of their life, for no apparent reason. Especially if you weren't given a chance to modify or rectify your behaviour (i.e. after having been told that specific actions were irritating or upsetting your friend).

@Elliebellbell you're right that there's no painless way to do it, but at least if you give a brief indication as to why you're diminishing contact then there can be some sense of closure on the other end. Furthermore, it allows the other person to think about their own behaviour and modify it. Ghosting someone just leaves them clueless as to whether you've a) truly decided to end the friendship, and b) why you decided to do so.

Overall, I think people just need to have the guts to call out hurtful behaviour sooner rather than putting up with it for years and then suddenly snapping.

OP should have called out her friend on her behaviour sooner (e.g. after listening to friend blather for 3 hours, just stated "I'm sorry friend but I've noticed that over the past few meet-ups you haven't asked me anything about myself, and there's stuff that I'd like to talk about too"). If friend then continued to be self-centered in subsequent interactions, then OP could have told her friend herself that the friendship is not working out because she feels like it's a one-sided relationship and she feels like they've grown apart.

Blocking someone on social media that has done nothing malicious or abusive, who you've known for 25 years is just mean. I'm sorry, but it is.

I’ve been ghosted fairly recently by an entire group of friends and once again by another friend, and I’m not sure why. I was actually suffering from crippling pnd and ptsd at the time. Being ghosted really affected my already poor mental health.
I have a lot of good friends and after it happened I asked them whether I was annoying or needy or why they thought these others may have ghosted me. They said I wasn’t and was still good company despite being unwell, but I’m aware my anxiety showed, especially in social situations, and I guess people didn’t want to be around me. I don’t feel like I just took from them as I tried not to talk about my problems and definitely still talked about them. I have no idea.
I am now having treatment for ptsd but I haven’t made any new friends for a couple of years as I fear being ghosted again, which is one reason I joined MN for online support. I also now hardly ever talk to even my best friends about how I’m feeling in case they end up fed up with me.
I’d rather the people who ghosted me told me the truth and then they wouldn’t have needed to just ignore and block me - of course it would have hurt but not as much as wondering why I wasn’t good enough/ what was wrong with me.

Well I’m on your side. No excuse for an adult to talk about themselves all the time like that. You were a saint to last as long as you did

I actually had a friend that I called out on the behaviour. I didn’t help. It just meant that any other future conversations were very strained and the behaviour didn’t change.
I did eventually unfriend etc.
It doesn’t mean you don’t wish them well, it just means that their energy ends up making you feel worse about yourself. At some point we need to be selfish for ourselves.

If I was your friend and no reason- just ghosting. Sad. Confused. Then angry. Bitter.Fuck you.
If I was your friend and then an emailed reason. No ghosting. Pissed off. Retaliatory evidence. Then a bit of self awareness. Feel like shit. But not admit it. Don't do it again because I am better now and I can see it.

But that is me.

Hi. I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting to continue the friendship, but I would have been honest as to why. You've done a cowardly thing, and this is why I sometimes despair of this mobile age! So when she messaged you saying 'I miss our chats', it would have been the perfect opportunity to point out that they were one-sided. She obviously lacks the self-awareness to figure it out for herself.