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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ghosted this friend?

157 replies

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 14:03

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

OP posts:

NewDayBlankPage · 17/07/2019 16:09

I’m not sure how blocking works, will she know you’ve done it? If so, what happens if you bump into her in the street or at the supermarket or something. That’s going to be super awkward!

Original poster

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 16:11

RhubarbTea - I can imagine that was awful.... for what its worth, she wasnt my best friend, or even a really close friend. Someone who I used to work with, had a laugh with and stayed in touch with over the years. I dont like to think that I upset someone as much as you were.

I have had issues with one of my best friends, who was really sad for a few years, and I talked to her, and we sorted it out. My very best friend, who is like a sister, we too over 30 years have gone through some periods of not getting on as well as we could, and again we talked about it, and sorted it out.

Ive also tried to "have the chat" with another friend, who had an affair behind her husbands back, and it destroyed our friendship and my DH friendship with her H... so Im not scared or too weak to face things head on.

OP posts:

Grumpelstilskin · 17/07/2019 16:14

@RhubarbTea I completely get that this is really painful. You thought everything was ok. But it obviously wasn't for your friend. Maybe you were not seeing the clues. Maybe that former friend of OP would write exactly the same thing.

redcarbluecar · 17/07/2019 16:14

Whilst people who dominate like this are irritating, I think it’s a bit rough on your friend to ‘ghost’ her for something you haven’t discussed with her (or have you?) and have tolerated in your friendship for many years. I understand how draining she must be, but it might be kinder to let things gradually slide than to block her. You said she’s lovely and funny - is she now someone you no longer want to know at all?

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2019 16:15

I've been in a similar OP. I went to the meeting up after months of not seeing her, she is also a compulsive liar, I grew up with her, she'll blantly tell me how she was a top gymnastic, how every man wants her, she looks sounds and laughs exactly like janice from friends
if anything I felt justified in letting this friendship die.
I do feel bad for her, I was one of the last of the group to blank her , I wonder has she absolutely no self awareness at all or consideration for others, does she realise people can't cope with her.

hazell42 · 17/07/2019 16:15

Some people hate silence and will just keep.talking to fill it.
Were you waiting to be Invited into the conversation?
Why didn't you ever just talk?
Conversations are 2 way streets but that means you have to talk too.
I have friends who will talk all the time if I let them
I dont.
I don't think that it is lack of caring on their part, though it does day something about their social skills.
If she is a nice person, unblock her and try having a 50/50 conversation. This is a manageable situation

Original poster

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 16:16

popehilarious this is a genuine questions.... how do you let people go without ghosting? I tried saying I was busy, over and over, I tried talking to her about how we were growing apart, I tried ignoring her texts or just responding to every 2 or 3.... But she is the kidn of person that will keep on texting with texts IN SHOUTY CAPITALS if you dont respond....

If I hadnt seen someone for a year, and they didnt reply to my texts and were a bit vague when they did, I would just presume the friendship had run its course.... Or that they would get back in touch when they felt able. I wouldnt hound them!

OP posts:

MadeleineMaxwell · 17/07/2019 16:17

I've been ghosted and it sucks.

I also had a friend, very long-standing, who did what yours does - always talking about herself. You end up feeling taken advantage of and for granted. I can neither give nor receive hints, as I was behind the door when they handed out subtlety and tact.

So I straight up told her how I felt. She apologised and has never done it again. We both behaved like adults, problem solved, friendship intact and thriving.

My advice is, therefore, for god's sake talk to her. You don't have to be aggressive, you just have to be assertive. Your needs are just as important as hers.

If she then goes on a drama llama bent, at least you'll know you've tried your best and behaved appropriately. But she might also surprise you. Won't know until you try.

msmith501 · 17/07/2019 16:17

I think it's all been said in previous posts. Good friends are hard to find and friendship needs to be cherished and nurtured and open and honest... and all the things that ghosting isn't. I know it's easier to sometimes run away but it sounds as if you've had a really good friends and done the dirty on her.

Whatisinaname1 · 17/07/2019 16:19

You feel guilty because you've not been honest for a long time. I dislike ghosting as usually 'avoided meeting up' is actually 'I've said we must catch up, but avoided sorting a date'.

The ghosting I've seen and and two ive experienced has involved giving enough interest and saying how 'we must catch up' while making excuses and dodging so the receipient doesn't actually know if they are coming on going: is their mate blowing them off and ghosting...is she genuinely busy and stressed as she says. It leads to a lot of questions and self doubt. I personally would never do it.

When i needed to cool a friendship i did and they weren't bothered, when i did need to cut off i told them i gad less time due to my work and it would be better for them to find someone with more time to attend the hobby (they joined and loved and i only joined for them) who they could catch up with about it.

Ghosting allows you to put the relationship down yet keep it open ended

For a time perhaps while the other person is confused and unsure what's happening. Of my two ghosties, 1 came back expecting that she'd done just this. I had no time for her or interested and blanked her renewed 'friendship'. Ghosting doesn't leave it open ended, it just makes the ending more painful.

RhubarbTea · 17/07/2019 16:26

@Grumpelstilskin - sadly I think in my case it may have been to do with my friend's long term but very long distance girlfriend finally meeting me and obviously (in hindsight) deciding she didn't like me, or our friendship or whatever. As that was the only thing that changed around that time.

I'm all for moving on from toxic people but I'm really not toxic to this friend, we've had an amazing 8 year friendship and shared so many wonderful moments, and I would have hands-down sworn we'd be friends for life. I really believed that. More upsetting than the friendship ending - because relationships do grow and change and sometimes end - was the realisation that whatever the issue was, he didn't feel able to tell me. That was so crap. I would have been sad, but I wouldn't have been a cunt about it and wouldn't have been left wondering. I still wonder if he'll pop up again, he's not deleted me from facebook, so I'm left in a sort of limbo which is horrible.

Original poster

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 16:26

redcarbluecar she used to be lovely and funny.... less so, as she has just almost got stuck in a rut of negativity....

Ill be honest the bad massivly outweighs the good, and as she had taken none of my gentler hints, I just couldnt face the conversation. Not because I think I would create drama - but because she wouldnt take kindly to having the flaws pointed out, and would become quite aggressive. Im happy to have a conversation about a difficult subject if there is a chance that it could be beneficial ...

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2019 16:27

Honestly I felt like I drop a ton weight, She would stand over me to talk, sucking in her stomach, she never stopped talking about herself, she hates her DM, yet she is the same, she tolerates her only DC, has 50% custody.
When I told her my DM was terminal, she said her DM was getting old, she was back speaking to her, I said your right life is short, she answered yes I want to go away for a month so DS is moving in with her for the month.

Bambamber · 17/07/2019 16:32

I think you're now just making excuses for your shitty behaviour

YouMaySayImADreamer · 17/07/2019 16:34

I find ghosting to be such a power trip. Just let it drift in the usual way. If it were me, i'd give her the brush off as long as it took for her to get the hint. It is fairly easy to do. She will probably eventually realise what you are doing, or just believe that you are genuinely busy and get fed up of asking.

Original poster

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 16:35

Its difficult to judge without knowing the other person. I did constantly brush her off and try to let her down gently as others have suggested.... Like I said constantly SHOUTY texts in capitals from her if I didnt reply or said I was busy.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2019 16:39

I did my best to end the friendship plenty of times on a nice note.
People who are really selfish wont except it is over, I wish I'd have been stronger and said piss off with your constant knocking at your convenience, endless babble about your life, your smothering personality, is effecting my MH.
She would have turned it as my problem, forgot about it and restarted her endless chatter.

eddielizzard · 17/07/2019 16:39

Well I think what you did was ok. You did tell her the friendship was too one-sided and she ignored that. Anyone who moans solidly for 3 hours, year on year needs a bit of a wakeup call. You felt relieved, now you feel guilty. You feel guilty because you're not doing what others (her) want you to do or what you feel is expected.

Putting that aside, how would you feel if you unblocked her and had to go and meet her for lunch tomorrow? Dread? A chore? Or excitement? Act on that feeling. Not the guilt, because that's not serving you well.

Nautiloid · 17/07/2019 16:42

Blocking was a step too far I think. She will be in no doubt whatsoever that she's been dumped as a friend, but won't know why.
I do sympathise with your reasons though.

Hedgehogparty · 17/07/2019 16:44

It sounds like over the years the friendship had gone and you were basically providing counselling sessions, leaving you feeling drained every time you met up. I’ve been there, it’s frustrating and exhausting.
I don’t get why you blocked her, as others have said, wasn’t the lack of contact itself enough?

Blatherskite · 17/07/2019 16:44

Yep, ghosting is shitty, cowardly and unkind.

popehilarious · 17/07/2019 16:45

Ghosting means just disappearing, not answering messages with no warning etc. Just be honest and say you need to reduce contact for a while etc. Make an effort to actually make it a conversation though. What do you actually want from her?

If you make it clear what you want and she still pesters you then it's not ghosting to not reply!

Original poster

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 16:45

eddielizzard good point ! That has totally crystallised it for me so thank you ..... If I unblocked and had to go to lunch with her tomorrow, all I would feel is dread. Not because w might have to have a difficult conversation, but because it would all be about her. Even how I felt would become about her.

I do feel guilty, because Im not an utter bitch inspite of some remarks, nor am I trying to explain shitty behaviour.... I feel guilty because I know she might be hurt and I think she is very unaware of how difficult she is to deal with. But I honestly would rather go to the dentist than meet up with her for lunch tomorrow.

OP posts:

YouMaySayImADreamer · 17/07/2019 16:47

You've painted her in quite a different light throughout this thread than you did in your OP to be fair...you almost make it sound like she is harrassing you now.

Personally, I would just ignore the shouty messages and respond to any more pleasant ones but still not agree to meet up. She will get bored eventually and move on.

If you want to ghost her, then fine, but you did ask if you were bu...

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2019 16:47

@RhubarbTea I am sorry that happened to you not sucks, sometimes it is outside influences.
In my case the friendship, she wasn't a best friend or even a friend we were teens together in a group of 10 who were always cruel to each other, we met again in our 30s.

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