To have ghosted this friend?

[DelphicOracle]

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

It’s a tricky one though as my example would testify. Having been blunt but in the kindest way I could I still feel a bit crap about it. She probably does too. So whilst the situation has been sorted the aftermath feelings have not entirely. I feel relief that my phone isn’t constantly pinging with messages from her but still feel guilt at having to be blunt. Whilst it wasn’t easy for me to say it must’ve been a hundred times harder to hear. So what’s the right way to do it?

Madeline - have you honestly ever had this conversation with someone who isn’t your best friend / your mum etc ... so someone who you are friends with because of history, rather than someone very dear to you ?

I’ve done it before with people I love ... but this whole thread has highlighted how little was left of our friendship .... it’s hard to have these types of conversations at the best of times ...

I just wasn’t going to do it with someone who kept using me, when I had already checked out of friendship .... this thread has helped me see that I Would do it for someone I cared about ... the fact I didn’t showed me that I essentially didn’t view her as a friend anymore

YANBU

“A friendship has to be a two way thing...”

Sorry but I think it was a really mean thing to do. She hasn't really done anything wrong and must be wondering why you've done this. She must be really hurt!

Delphic Yes, I have. It's not about her per se, it's about doing the right thing.

Ghosting is shitty and cowardly and says far more about the ghoster than the ghostee. Do you really want to be that person?

Whatever way OP does it, her ex friend will feel hurt and angry, and from what OP has said about how this woman acts, she's not likely to just accept it, without fighting back. OP may not be confrontational, but the other woman will be. She won't accept that she's done anything wrong. People like her don't accept responsibility for anything.

OP, you've done it now. Time to move on.

I just wasn’t going to do it with someone who kept using me, when I had already checked out of friendship .... this thread has helped me see that I Would do it for someone I cared about ... the fact I didn’t showed me that I essentially didn’t view her as a friend anymore

• this makes no sense. If you cared about her your would not have ghosted her. You didn’t care & viewer friendship over so you ghosted her. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t unreasonable though.

Admit it that a part of you relishes at knowing she will be upset. Otherwise you wouldn’t have blocked her. She considered you a friend & will log on, see she can’t contact you anymore & feel very upset. A part of you enjoys that. It’s probably payback for you feeling resentful that she was draining you. I don’t think you feel guilty. It sounds like you are enjoying this & wanted to hear everyone tell you just how hurt they would be in her position.

I don’t think the OP is relishing. I think the OP is overwhelmed by the thought of having to be emotionally drained again and is shutting down on her friend emotionally.

OP in all honesty. I think you have a problem expressing your needs and having an input in the flow of the conversation. I think you have reached this stage because you left it too late. This should be a lesson..

Next time you feel a friend is leaning on u emotionally too much, refer them to a counsellor. Keep mentioning it and then say “I wish I could be your counsellor but I’m not good T this stuff”

Prawn .... I fo not relish yet being upset ... I meant it like this - if I cared about her ( like I care for my mum / best friend ), I would have fought to try to save it .... I didn’t have the energy or fight left in me anymore .... she had taken too much and if I’m honest - I didn’t really like her anymore ...

I have never ghosted anyone before. I did feel this nagging guilt that maybe I hadn’t been fair.... turns out I could have done it differently and I accept that.

However hearing other people has made me realise I don’t want to have that conversation with her - because I do t want to be friends . So I don’t feel as guilty - that is not the same as enjoying other people being upset ? It’s a bit of an odd jump tbh

you still could have avoided the conversation without actually blocking her. I’m confused because you felt guilty about hurting her but not you realise you don’t like her so don’t feel guilty now. But you knew you didn’t like her because you blocked her!
I personally would respect someone who owned their actions more - “yes I blocked her, she was annoying & I can’t stand her anymore.” At least now it sounds like you can own it !

Possibly prawn .... it’s not easy knowing the reason for your own actions at times, no matter how self aware you think you are.

I didn’t realise I blocked her because I didn’t like her ... I genuinely thought I blocked her because I couldn’t be doing with the drama of her, or the fallout of talking to her.

Because of this thread - I’ve realised the friendship was over long ago and I have been cowardly by not dealing with that ... I’ve been kicking the can down the road.

I don’t feel as guilty because I now realise how I feel - rather than being worried about upsetting her. I dont want to be her friend - but a PP wAs right - I should have addressed it years ago - it was wrong of me to avoid that

I got ghosted by a friend of 15 years once. She just stopped replying to texts one day, no dramatic event proceeded it. She didn’t pick up the phone, ignored WhatsApp and texts. At first I was worried something had happened to her as the cut off was so sudden.

I have no idea what I did, it was really hurtful and upsetting and I still obsess over what I supposedly did. I wish she had told me, as hurtful as it might’ve been to hear I would much prefer it to not knowing.

Glad you’re not my ‘friend’.
At least now she will have definitely got the message.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I think you made the right decision for you. It would be very unkind to point out her faults, and if she’s just not taking a hint then what are your options really?

I’ve got a friend who talks 19 to the dozen, never listens, anything you’ve done she’s done ten times better and I find her absolutely draining to be around so I’ve pulled back from the friendship because she’s not a best friend and telling her how I feel would do more harm than good.

I was ghosted by a friend of 20 years' standing and, you know what, she did us both a favour. It was only when she blocked me that I thought really long and hard about the friendship and realised it had been toxic for a long time and that her blowing hot and cold me was out of order. So while ghosting her was a shitty thing to do, OP, your friend might actually be relieved that she finally knows where she stands with you after months of you dicking her around.

I do understand your situation, I do. I’ve had a few “friends’ that did this to me but the one that really sticks out was initially a friend of my husbands from Scouts. We became friendly then I’m afraid I’d become her ‘ear’ and non paid therapist/sounding board. One day I was on the phone two hours with her and I swear she was just thinking out loud, and for about a year she Never asked me anything about myself, job, etc. The final straw was we were at a party of hers and someone asked who I was, she said, oh that’s the wife of one of my friends. I wasn’t even relegated the title of friend! Afterwards three times she asked me to do things and each time I just told her I couldn’t, maybe next time. The last time it finally stuck and I haven’t heard from her for a long time.

I get you OP. There’s just no telling some people. They will never admit faults.

Or they will manipulate the situation, you don’t owe them anything if they’ve never been a good friend to you!

I think YANBU, really. I say that as someone who's been ghosted twice herself!

The sort of people who become angry about being ghosted are one of the reasons it exists. It's NOT always possible to tell someone about their behaviour without them turning it into their own personal drama, and that's not a right. Which is the reason people ghost in the first place. If it was possible to tell people about their horrible behaviour without them causing a needy childish scene or using emotional blackmail to manipulate you it wouldn't be necessary.

I've had many friends in my life having lived in three continents, I've kept some of those friends for my entire life. However I have been ghosted by two people in my life and ghosted 2 as well. And that's totally fine. I was curious, a bit hurt, then realised trying to control other people and fixating on why they wouldn't want to talk to me is utterly pointless and a bit pathetic.

If someone ignores your text/email etc three times and you know they're not in harm's way have some pride and leave them in peace.

Life's too short to try to impose your own behaviours on others. If a friend dumps you, accept it, move on. Being clingy and over dramatic won't change their decision and might be the reason they chose to ghost you.

Elois I think that’s a bit harsh, I was ghosted by a long term friend with no explanation and I don’t think it was ‘clingy’ or ‘dramatic’ to be upset about It. I think you’d have to be some sort of robot to have no emotional reaction.

I think Elois is speaking a lot of sense. We tend to over analyse everything. If someone was ghosted do you think they’d feel better knowing it was because they were a pain in the arse and having all their faults pointed out to them?

It depends why they were ghosted if they want to know. I was very glad to know with one as it reaffirmed my decision to blank her when she came crawling back. Her boyfriend apparently admitted he fancied me, told her I'd made a play for him. The truth had she asked? I'd have shown her the message he sent me in which i responded he was a disgrace for behaving that way and it was inappropriate. She wasted 3 more years on him. More fool her, if she'd just told me what he said i would have showed her.

The other? Not sure but i no longer mind either way. Life's too short to spend it on people who bring nothing or just detract. I supported her tons emotionally and the one time i needed it she let me down. I was angry at first, now I'm glad as i could support myself better without diverting my concentration to her.

elois that's incorrect.
I think it's unbearably rude to just decide to not return messages.

One of my best friends started getting very erratic and evasive with messages when she was in an abusive relationship. I did actually "let her be" for a year or so and not press the issue. Later on i realised what had been going on. She regained contact to ask whether xyz was normal in a relationship, etc and eventually opened up. I know I couldn't have made her leave but I had no idea she was actually in harm's way because she was so evasive. It all ended messily.

Jaggypinecone from a close friend? Absolutely I would.

Imagine that your closest, dearest friend just stops responding to you out of the blue. No fight preceded it, no clues why - nobody else is aware why either. They just stop replying and that’s that. Would you shrug it off, and think ‘oh well, that’s life!’. Or would you be hurt, and want to know what happened?

I think like she may be totally unaware of how she presents, you may also be blind to your side? These things are rarely so simple as one person is self-centred/ irritating and the other is virtuous and reasonable. She may be shocked at your perception, and it may not be a perception others hold of her either.

An example recently I had was one friend moaning about another like this, they both used to natter fast but over the years one has stayed at home and got quieter in herself. She was moaning about her friends dramas and incessant talking about life and work. As an outsider though I could see one friend was trying to restart the previous nattering with more and more talk, thinking the other would join in I think. It was that babble some people fill space with, partly due to nerves. Tbh I’m finding complaining friend a bit hard, she goes all straight faced and silent mid chat and looks bored. I try to ask about her etc, but it’s just a sort of bored looking zone out. It’s awkward if the kids are having a play date and she gets this face on and you’re then in silence feeling awkward at stoney face over a table. I try to meet up in threes now so we can still talk if she does it, I end up otherwise just leaving or something. She then sometimes tells me about seeing less and less people and feeling alone/ out of the loop, I honestly don’t think she’s aware of the facial expressions she can pull in front of people. Other times she’s still really animated and fun with people, it’s like a light flicks off. It’s like she’s given up normal social graces with age.

Yours may be a different story, but the above is just an example why these things can happen. A thread often validates he side presented, but real life is complex.

Be decent and at least say something small, or accept that the odd text from an old friend isn’t really that time consuming to reply to every now and then. It’s more your irritation at it, than actually being oppressive.