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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ghosted this friend?

157 replies

DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 14:03

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 17/07/2019 15:09

Ghosting allows you to put the relationship down yet keep it open ended

What bollocks. Being ghosted is the most hurtful thing that ever happened to me, and it really fucks you up.

My best friend ghosted me over the course of about a year, gaslighting me too by 'making up' then telling everyone else they were done with me. I still have to see them around from time to time and I'll never know what really happened or why as I can't get a straight story out of them.

It's a terrible and pathetic way to treat someone.

Herocomplex · 17/07/2019 15:10

I’m not sure you had a choice. Must people would be highly offended if they were told they were selfish and insensitive, however you dressed it up.
I don’t think she would have been happy whatever you did, the fact is she wasn’t a good friend to you, so now you’re not friends. Its different if you know someone can’t help it and just accept that the relationship is tilted one way. But it sounds like you gave gentle hints and it made no difference. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

SavingSpaces2019 · 17/07/2019 15:13

Sometimes you have to put your own mental health and wellbeing ahead of someone else.
I've ghosted a so-called friend.
There was no point in discussing anything with her as she isn't the sort to take accountability for anything.
Everything is explained as being due to her bipolar.
You try arguing with that. No matter how right you are, or know for certainty has fuck all to do with bipolar, you're going to be the bad guy no matter what.
When you try to explain the incidents you get accused of being petty - because the thousand small cuts are petty things on their own.
They don't care that these 'petty' things accumulate and this pattern of behaviour as a whole is actually abusive.

FriarTuck · 17/07/2019 15:15

I suppose if I kept texting someone and they never arranged to meet up with me after 2 years I would have got the message that we had drifted apart.....
This ^^. I don't see how spelling it out to someone is going to be a good thing for anyone - the friendship will definitely be over then and they'll feel like crap and so will you.

Dotty1970 · 17/07/2019 15:21

Ghosting is hurtful

DirtyNell · 17/07/2019 15:25

Hi OP. I’ve been in your position, and I’ve ghosted a friend. It was about 5 years ago, before Ghosting was a known phrase to me! She was my friend, and I wanted to split up with her, and there is simply no language for it in platonic relationships! It’s not seen as socially acceptable at all.
My friend in question, only ever wanted to talk about herself and her dramas. I eventually found her totally draining, and depressing company, but didn’t feel I had any right to criticise her personality, critique her in anyway.
So I ran off and hid, instead. I know she found it absolutely perplexing and hurtful.
I worried about it for years, because I knew I had behaved badly. If she had been a boyfriend, I would have had the ‘this isn’t working out’ chat, and I could have walked away.
Ghosting her was the wrong thing to do, both for her and for me, because the guilt has gnawed away at me. Just woman up, and send a short message, wishing her well, but that you’ve come to the end of your friendship. Otherwise, instead of putting down one burden, the ‘friendship’, you are simply picking up a different burden, guilt.
Good luck x

SuzieQQQ · 17/07/2019 15:26

Quite frankly your behaviour suggests you are a bit of a bi**ch. Yes you should feel guilty

Juells · 17/07/2019 15:31

"I have so much to tell you" was the kiss of death. I'd probably meet up with her, but say I could stay for only an hour, and keep changing the subject if it swings round to her and her family horrors.

Funguy · 17/07/2019 15:36

How utterly hurtful for her. People go through difficult times and she thought you sympathetic, when you clearly were resentful.
How much heartache could have been saved by even hinting that she was talking too much!
I have had a similar thing happen to me. Pretty sure it was because I was having problems.
My 'friend' occasionally contacts me but get the feeling she no longer cares. She forgets all the times I supported her.
She recently referred to 20 years of friendship as a 'good working relationship'.
All I can say, my heart was broken as she was my best friend, not a colleague, and she did know that.

ChicCroissant · 17/07/2019 15:42

It is difficult when meeting up with a friend means being subjected to a wall of sound (and solely about them as well). I'm not sure of the best way to handle it tbh, I am also in the process of taking a step back from a friendship group due to their (entirely unjustified IMO) whining and bitching. This group is combusting due to the fact that it contains two walls of sound!

groundanchochillipowder · 17/07/2019 15:44

YABU.

As for the comment about keeping the relationship 'open ended' after you've ghosted the person, honestly, how bitchy and arrogant. I'd never have anything to do with someone who ghosted me tbh.

Constance1234 · 17/07/2019 15:46

That’s so nasty and mean. It’s one thing just not replying to her, but to actually block her - what were you thinking?!

Strangerthanadeadting · 17/07/2019 15:46

I'm torn.. I can see how it's a bit harsh but she messaged to tell you how much she had to tell you, rather than asking how you are! She'll never change. Friends that exhaust you should go.

I'd have done the same so maybe I'm equally harsh! Or too old for this palaver.

Drum2018 · 17/07/2019 15:48

Do you know what - fuck it. It's done now, you felt relief when you'd done it. Try to put it behind you and move on. I have a friend who talks non stop about herself, her family, their woes. I never instigate contact, ever. If she drops round I have to endure the negativity but I'd rather not. She's too nearby to ghost so I can't block her. But I would if I could. If you'd told your friend that she talks too much about herself she'd probably have taken offence anyway and that would have been the end of the friendship. No doubt she'll find someone else to bore to death with her tales of woe.

Bringmewineandcake · 17/07/2019 15:53

I think you’d have just got a load of drama if you’d told her the truth. If it’s as one sided as you say, then she’ll soon find other friends to talk at, if she hasn’t already.

MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 15:58

@Bluntness100
I think we all need to assume you don't know what ghosting is, because if you did you'd be embarrassed to write that.

Dont be a silly. Deliberate confrontation really isnt anyways to live life - as I pointed out people on this forum absolutely thrive on malicious nastiness. Why the hell would you actually want to contrive a meeting with someone with the express purpose of saying (bottom line) "Look, I've had my use of you, you no longer suit my needs, so Im moving on, you have a,b,c personality defects" - explain to me why you think that is in any way appropriate. Go on, I defy any of you to actually justify that level of spite towards someone. .

Ghosting, or letting the relationship slide leaves you a completely soft option to pass hello-how-are-you-yes-we-must should you ever bump into them in future without any loss of face for either party.

@ groundanchochillipowder
how bitchy and arrogant. I'd never have anything to do with someone who ghosted me tbh - I think you've missed the point - if you've been ghosted, that person is letting you go, not the other way round. But they are choosing to do it in a non confrontational way, not pointing our your defects or short falls.

NavyBlueHue · 17/07/2019 16:01

@DelphicOracle I get you. I totally have a friend like this. Rarely asks about me or my life yet waffles on about hers.

I’ve even had snide comments off her how she’s sick of making the effort with people when they don’t put the effort in back. Yet the only effort she puts in is to arrange an opportunity for her to talk about herself. I feel your frustration.

If I’m honest, whilst you probably are BU to ghost someone, I can absolutely see myself doing the same thing as whilst guilt comes with ghosting, the drama of ‘talking’ about it would be just a step too far. I feel for you.

RhubarbTea · 17/07/2019 16:03

What bollocks. Being ghosted is the most hurtful thing that ever happened to me, and it really fucks you up.

This. Being ghosted by my closet friend has broken me and I don't know how to trust any other friend that much anymore, in case I get so hurt again. Which is shit. We'd been friends 8 or 9 years and I thought everything was okay. It's utterly soul destroying and leaves you wondering what the fuck you did wrong that merits behaviour and coldness so shitty as that.

loobyloo1234 · 17/07/2019 16:04

I think ghosting someone you've been friends with for so long is very rude actually OP. No wonder you feel guilty

NavyBlueHue · 17/07/2019 16:04

@MyOpinionIsValid

Ghosting, or letting the relationship slide leaves you a completely soft option to pass hello-how-are-you-yes-we-must should you ever bump into them in future without any loss of face for either party.

Yes this is valid. Ghosting in this sense avoids a fallout so future bumping into isn’t as bad. Whereas some people would not take their faults being pointed out very well at all and could even turn nasty.

It’s sometimes the less dramatic route.

LittleAndOften · 17/07/2019 16:05

A friendship is only worth saving if its reciprocal. I dropped a one-way friendship because she was a drain. I'd initiate contact, she'd usually cancel our meet-ups at the last minute. When we did meet it was all about her. I didn't need to ghost her - she never bothered to message me when I stopped messaging her. Let it go, OP.

NavyBlueHue · 17/07/2019 16:05

I would add though that each case is individual and very much depends on the people involved.

Original poster
DelphicOracle · 17/07/2019 16:06

Thank you all for your replies..... Im really honestly not a bitch. If I was, I probably wouldnt have felt guilty......

It seems a bit divided now as to whether I was or not, and I suppose that represents the conflict Im having inside. As others have said, it is so exhausting year after year only talking about someones problems, someone who used to be fun, and social, and now just complains about everything.
Who never once ask about you, who you try to talk to about it and they just dont get it, and then you try to let it go quietly and they just dont get the hints.

Some have said it would have been kinder to not reply, but isnt that ghosting too? I have fully supported her through many dramas in her life, and in truth she hasnt been there for me at all. I do think, as others have said, me talking to her even gently would have created yet more drama, and texts and messages.

I know Im not the first person to have done this to her..... I have never done it to anyone else, but every time I saw her name on a message my heart sank. Like I had to put my counselling head on, irrespective of if I felt shit, or sad, or tired.

Im perfectly willing to accept some people think Ive been mean.... I couldnt face talking to her if Im being honest. And I agree with what many of you have said that friendships should be about give and take and being kind. But I dont think she was being kind to me if I stand back and think about it......

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 17/07/2019 16:06

It's not the kindest way to end a relationship but I totally understand you OP. There are people that are so utterly lacking in self-awareness and so overbearing, it really falls totally on deaf ears that any interaction is a two-way street. Some people are so dense that unless you scream at them to stop talking about themselves non-stop, it will not sink in. If you wanted to alleviate your guilt a bit, you could tell her that you are no longer willing to be her audience and sounding board and expect an adult to have some social grace to make it less one-sided. That you are fed up of her not taking any interest in your life for a change. Then again, it might be a lot less stress to just leave it like that. Some people are very harsh to call you a bitch etc. Perhaps they have not had to deal with friends being so overbearing and completely monopolising the conversation or they are the kind of people to do just that and are vexed.

popehilarious · 17/07/2019 16:09

Ghosting is really really shitty. You can "cut people out" or let friendships go without being a passive aggressive cowardly twat. (Or without being a confrontational drama queen if that's the only alternative you can imagine Hmm )