To have ghosted this friend?

[DelphicOracle]

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

If someone tells you they're busy then it's not that weird to keep trying to find a time you can actually meet! That's why you need to be honest.

Meant it sucks.

She sounds like really hard work, and also like she lacks any introspective faculty whatsoever.

I'd probably have done the same, OP, for what it's worth, and would look askance at someone who sends another person a long screed of their personality defects instead of just quietly withdrawing from contact.

I may be alone in this, too, but I think that ghosting leaves a door more ajar than the character assassination message. I know that if I met someone who'd ghosted me, I'd be perhaps a bit reserved with them, but if I met someone who'd told me all the things about me that made me utterly intolerable to them, I'd want to run away and hide.

Ghosting is unkind and cowardly (in some situations)

It's your decision, but wouldn't it be kinder to tell her why you're avoiding her calls? It's a very slim chance, but perhaps she'll recognize that you're right. But if not, you've already decided the friendship isn't worth her 'me me me' conversations so if she blows a gasket when you point it out, what's the big deal? You're ready to end the friendship anyway.

I recently ended a friendship of 50 years. When we were younger it was an equal friendship and Lordy, did we have great times together. But over the last 5 years or so it had started to become all about her with me basically sitting on the other end of the phone going "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh" to her endless boasting or diatribes against people and family members who had 'wronged' her. I pretty much stopped answering the phone and would 'schedule' myself a time to call her when I knew I had an hour to just sit there and listen. The final straw was realizing that she was making up these 'wrongs' people did her and that her boasting was mostly fabricated, too. And I realized it when she told one of her lies about my own husband! It's been 7 months now and I am still enjoying the peace.

I’ve got a friend like that. Goes on and on and fucking ON about her life. It’s not even as if she’s got problems - she’ll spend a full half hour telling me all about what her car needed doing for its MOT 🙄

She’s also an interruptor so on the odd occasions I do manage to get a word in edgeways and start a sentence, I generally only manage a few words before she’s off again.

I tend to stick to the cinema now with her - quick coffee beforehand then in to see the film where she has to shut up 😁

She’s very sweet really. I like her too much to ghost her but tbh if it weren’t for the cinema I’d probably have to break contact. I’d tell her why though and give her a chance to redeem herself.

If you can't face talking to her, can you email her and explain that you don't wish to continue the friendship but wish her well? You live in the same town - what happens if you bump into her - best to have cleared the air first!

OP can you perhaps give it some closure for the benefit of yourself as well as her?

Just a simple text to say why you’ve blocked her. What have you got to lose now by doing it. And she will get the message (literally) and you can then both move on.

Ophelia - same here. I feel sorry for my friend and don't want to dump her, but recently I mentioned my daughter and the friend didn't recognise my daughter's name! Shows how much I get to talk about myself. Instead I listen to stuff about her cat and her garden.

Im In exact same situation op with a couple of people as I’ve noticed I tend to have people lean on me for emotional support...

I cracked and feel a bit drained. But I couldn’t block anyone I think that’s very mean.

What I did is I told one of them “ I’m not in an emotionally strong place right now so have personal issues to deal with and can’t have emotional chats”.

Some others who are too intrusive I told them rather bluntly “plz i need space”.

And others I ignored. And replied when I could like few weeks later saying “sorry I’ve been through a stressful period and have only been in Keeping in touch with those who know my circumstances and are able to support me”.

Basically I’m pregnant with prenatal anxiety and some people know that and they know I’m emotional and still won’t stop using me as a counsellor which after me explaining a few times I decided to put myself first.

I don't think you've done anything wrong really. Some people are just so slow at picking up hints. What's the point in pointing out all the faults? It'll just upset her and you. If you feel bad though, maybe unblock her and just be civil but reject invites. She will eventually give up. Or just keep her blocked.

I recently did this. Well sort of. She stopped messaging me and I heard nothing after a surgery. I came to the realisation that this person was totally self obsessed and really all that mattered was her and what she had going on.
I got a few messages from her kids trying to reel me in, which I ignored.

She’s turned up on my doorstep once since. In 10mins I went from happy and chilled to exhausted and mentally drained. She told me all about how awful her life was, how her teens were ripping the house and her apart.
I made it clear there and then that those teens were not welcome round my kids, I have to protect them from that type of behaviour. She agreed with me at the time, wholeheartedly. Has since been telling people that I’m out of order for saying it! Don’t give me that info and expect my door to be wide open!

I’ve since had some missed calls from them but I’ve ignored. My life just isn’t open to that kind of drama and if she asks me (she lives round the corner) I’m not opposed to being blunt and to the point about it. Just right now avoiding it is a quieter life for me

Yes you've been cowardly. I don't think you've been unkind because she doesn't deserve your friendship. But an explanation is the brave correct thing to do - to explain why you never want to see her again.

OP I know exactly how you feel.

I was in a similar situation a few months back. The friend I had was nice, too nice and she was smothering me, constantly wanting to meet up, do things, buying me presents. I tried to put some distance between us, but she didn't take the hint, she just clung on all the harder, like she wanted me to be her new best friend.

It was really getting me down and in the end I told her over the phone that I was feeling smothered by her. She apologised but I've not seen nor heard from her since. Not that I'm bothered by that in itself but I do sometimes wonder how she is/feels knowing that I was blunt with her (she can be a bit of a delicate flower).

So in short, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do this. Ghosting is just one option, being blunt is another, being distance is another but less likely to work if other person can't take the hint.

A friendship has to be a two way thing, to ebb and flo as needs ebb and flow. If it doesn't or the friendship feels toxic, you have to do something. The result is always most likely to be negative so don't go beating yourself up about it. If you had been blunt she'd just have felt more hurt and perhaps started bitching about you.

Interesting how many people have friends like this! Do you think it's something some of us become as we get older?!

I can see both sides here, I was besties with a girl I met at Uni. We lived 3 streets away, had kids the same age etc. We saw each other everyday and told each other everything, it totalled 24 years. Then she started going cold on me until eventually she ghosted me. Blocked me everywhere, didn’t return my calls etc. I was truly devastated. Now I’m in a position with my lifelong friend from childhood who does NOT stop talking. She talks without taking a breathe, talks over you, interrupts you after 2 words. Everyone of her friends and neighbours have dropped her so now all she has is me. I’m now at the point of exhaustion like all the others. She has zero self awareness, does not get social cues. I roll my eyes and puff when she interrupts but she just carries on. She can’t help herself. Its a compulsion. She can’t bear silences. I want to get away from her but there is no way I could ever tell her why! She would be devastated, she’s aware neighbours and friends blank her. She tells me she knows they saw her! Her brother can’t stand to be around her and told her the truth. She was in pieces, utterly grief stricken that he could have accused her of such a thing! I feel I can’t ghost her because I’m all she has left but also because of how I felt when a friend did it to me. It’s very difficult to know what’s best. Keep seeing the friend whilst dying inside with resentment? Tell them, knowing they can’t change, and totally tear them apart? Or ghost them? I’m not sure what else you could have done here OP!

I think you were wrong here. If you say shes lovely then why not give her a chance by explaining how you felt. She probably doesnt even realise how bad it was because you never said anything. Maybe meet with her , explain your position and see what happens. Shes probably now feeling terrible for even confiding in you and worrying if you could ghost her then you can be hurtful in other ways with all the stuff shes shared with you.

I was ghosted by a close friend (she had even been there for my child's birth). No idea why, but she just stopped answering my calls. I sent her a message to ask if everything was ok and she insisted it was. Many more months of blanking me, and I send her a message saying I won't try to contact her anymore (as clearly no point).

She replied month later giving enough information to completely blame me, but not enough for me to have had any idea what I had done wrong.

I don't know why she couldn't have spoken to me about whatever the issue was, and given me a chance to resolve it, or have at least let me know she didn't want to continue the friendship, rather than let me fruitlessly try to maintain it. I considered her my best friend, so it was pretty hurtful.

So yes, I do think yabu, since you have made no effort to communicate with her before cutting her out.

Ghosting allows you to put the relationship down yet keep it open ended. Im sure posters love the dramatics of getting someone to dish a list of personality defects. I have absolutely no idea why anyone would think that is a good idea, or kind. All this silly bollocks about 'closure' is piffle. One day you might bump into each other again and find you are both on the same page and reconnect and the relationship is much better. Or not.

The OP has blocked her on social media and blocked her number. That's not leaving anything open. I've had it done to me and like fuck would I pick up the friendship again thinking "oh that was nice and non-confrontational". It's a huge breach of trust. It's also a very aggressive move to block someone like that. Blocking by its very definition cannot leave anything open. People aren't suggesting confrontation, or giving a list of defects. Just a "this isn't working for me at the moment. When you talk about yourself a lot I feel quite drained".

That said, the OP seems to have tried various channels which haven't worked. So whilst it feels brutal and final, it may be the only way left. And I like EddieLizard's advice.

Yes, she is hurt because she can't use you for her sounding board anymore. You've said 'enough'. Has she been concerned about your well being? Does she care about how you're getting on? How your life is? Your concerns? No! She doesn't give a fuck. If you phoned her up now and said 'I really really need you. Meet me at the corner of x and y and bring a shovel.' Would she? Would all those years of listening and helping count for anything when it came to it?

Maybe I have been cowardly..... or maybe I just knew I couldnt take any more drama..... anyway I think this thread has clarified things for me. I need relationships to be reciprocal (not all the time and not exactly 50/50 but there needs to be give and take), I also at this age cannot cope withe people who are all about conflict and drama, without having any self awareness that they are creating said conflict and drama.

Im not going to unblock her because as someone put it earlier up thread - "How would I feel if I had to meet her for lunch tomorrow" I would dread the thought of seeing her if that was an option, which is quite telling.

I am not going to call someone up or email them to tell them I think they are self centred, self absorbed and havent given a stuff about me for a decade, just so they know why I dont want to be their friend..... I think that is crueller than ghosting, Im sorry. I just cant see how that is preferable.

She used to be lovely..... if she was still lovely she would have a bit of self awareness and compassion for others, and realise that only talking about yourself, and never caring whats going on in others lives, is the height of rudeness and makes you not a very nice friend.

But OP, she has absolutely no idea you have been feeling this way. And yeah I do think it is better to be honest rather than run away hastily. I would have preferred that from my friend.

You don't have to say 'you're a twat' You just say 'I've been feeling a little sad/uncomfortable/whatever that we never get to talk about my own stuff when we hang out and that's made me feel a bit fed up and and slowly less invested in the friendship as time has gone on.'
You can definitely be honest without being a dick. Do you think it's not possible?

I agree 100% with rhubarb its possible to be honest without be cruel. What you are doing is cowardly and lazy.

hibbledibble -possibly. However I have realised that so much of my reserves have been used up over the years, I just dont have it in me. Maybe that is my fault for not saying something sooner..... but now for me, its come to the end of the line.

rhubarb - you are right - and I think it comes down to this. She has used up so much of my "give a fucks" I simply have none left. You are right - I could have said something. But I cant now - even before said ghosting, as Id been avoiding her for so long, it wouldnt have been true. Ive been avoiding her for 2 years... so she could have just said "how have I done that ??? you havent seen me for ages!"

if it had been anyone else I wouldnt have let it go on so long. But I didnt and still dont, feel like I could have a gentle or kind conversation with her because her personality prohibits it.

I would add one other thing. When I had the blunt conversation over the phone I chose my words carefully. I said ‘I’m feeling smothered by you’ rather than ‘you are smothering me’. I didn’t want to lay the blame entirely with her as she probably wasn’t aware that I felt like this. However, she never asked for an example or a more detailed explanation. It was almost like she couldn’t get off the phone quick enough once I’d said it. For me, it felt like finishing with an overkeen bloke after only a few dates.

IMHO I think she probably had form for this sort of behaviour but it had never been pointed out to her before and it came as a shock.

So OP you are probably right in thinking telling someone all their faults isn’t necessarily the best option

her personality prohibits it

Well, I think it's yours. You're not responsible for her behaviour, but you are for your own. If you've checked out of the relationship, that's OK. But leaving someone dangling and wondering like that is somewhat cruel and unnecessary. You can be honest and firm without being aggressive.

Your unwillingness or inability to state your feelings and needs clearly and openly has contributed to this situation in the first place. And that's OK, we're all human. But I would put my adult pants on and tell her. You'll both benefit from it - you won't have the guilt and she won't have the pain of not knowing why.