To have ghosted this friend?

[DelphicOracle]

I have / had a friend who Ive known for about 25 years. Met many moons ago doing a job. When we met we were early 20s now mid / late 40s.

Lots of going out with people from work, drinking. She is hilarious and has a great sense of humour...... She moved to the town I live in and we kept in touch in spite of us both moving on. She doesnt know any of my other friends, so it sort of ended up with us catching up for dinner, a drink , coffee etc. When I had kids she would come over for a cup of tea etc.

She is lovely, and funny, but over time, all she ever talked about was herself. Her mum (who is a nightmare), her sister (ditto), her health, her relationship woes etc etc etc. If we met for 3 hours we would literally spend 90% of the time talking about her, and then when it was time to go, a quick 10 minutes catching up about me. Now I am happy to give people advice, and help them out. I also understand that when people are going through difficult times, its not always 50/50.... But this went on for years and years.

About 2 years ago I decide to reduce contact massivley as I would come away from seeing her exhausted, and it did start to feel like she was using me as a sounding post / free counselling rather than friendship. I hoped she would get the message, as I never really instigated contact - just replied sort of vaguely. Twice in the last month she has sent me texts saying "Ive got so much to tell you " and then "I miss our chats"!!!! I replied saaying how busy I was etc etc, but she wouldnt take no for an answer...

So then I admit, I just couldnt face it anymore, or the fallout if I tried to talk to her. So I blocked her number, and blocked her to social media too. I did sort of exhale a sigh of relief when I did it, but now a week later I keep feeling twinges of guilt. I hadnt seen her for so long, I was going to have to cave, and meet up, and I just couldnt face it.... AIBU to have ghosted her?

Have any of the people horrified at “ghosting” ever looked someone in the eye and told them hence forth you are no longer friends and here’s why?! Really?!

Some friendships fall gently away either due to one person making less effort for a reason or just circumstance so distance or busyness. So if your paths ever do cross again it’s not horrifyingly awkward but would be if you had carefully talked them through their own character flaws

I asked this upthread MsTSwift (love your work by the way 🙂) and one poster responded very honestly and described how they’d done it. I think it is possible in the right circumstances now I’ve thought about it.
My problem is usually that I’ve talked myself into thinking it must be me and given so many chances but I eventually just snap and drop them. None of us are perfect, I guess.

@MsTSwift but ghosting isn't letting a friendship fall gently away with the view that it can be picked up again in the future. It's a sudden, unexplained withdrawal of one party from the relationship and then actively ignoring all messages/forms of communication from that person. Ghosting Definition

Please note the following from the link: "Ghosting may be especially hurtful for those on the receiving end, causing feelings of ostracism and rejection.[9] Some mental health professionals consider ghosting to be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse, a type of silent treatment or stonewalling behaviour, and emotional cruelty"

And yes, as stated above, where needed I have let people know why I can no longer be friends with them. But in such circumstances they have always been forewarned (i.e. I have repeatedly pointed out the hurtful behaviour beforehand and asked them to stop).

The only circumstances in which ghosting is appropriate is where the ghosted party has been abusive or malicious. But not if they simply bore you and talk too much about themselves!

@MsTSwift

Yes, I have explained - as gently as I can - why I cannot carry on with the friendship.
It wouldn't occur to me to ghost someone who had been part of my past.

You failed to nip it in the bud and then took the easy way out (admittedly she sounds a bit tiring too).

I have a mate who does this and I just start giving him the same back - interrupt with ^"No way! My mum does that too. This one time..." and keep doing it.

That was incredibly unkind of you OP.

Well I agree it seems harsh never done it myself but what are you to do in this scenario? There’s no easy way out telling someone their flaws is flipping brutal too. I would go for the wimps option and make excuses and gradually withdraw with excuses. An adult being utterly self absorbed and taking about themselves nonstop is bad though I can see why op had enough