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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my Mum hold my baby?

115 replies

DanaScully83 · 17/07/2019 09:03

My DS is 6 weeks old and my Mum has travelled a long way to stay with us for 1 week. This was a lovely surprise and I am very grateful that she made the long journey. However, she is a heavy smoker. Although she goes outside to smoke her and clothes smell very strongly of smoke - so I have not let her hold my DS. Whenever she goes to pick him up I intervene and say he needs a feed or a nappy change. AIBU and does anyone have advice on how to handle this without unnecessarily upsetting her?

OP posts:
loveskaka · 17/07/2019 09:07

I would just say to her, I done the same, not with my mum as she dsnt smoke but I would have! When it comes to my ds I have no filter . X

DateBanana · 17/07/2019 09:09

Yes I would tell her why. It will be a long week if you have to keep intervening.

YANBU

Gillian1980 · 17/07/2019 09:09

Yanbu to not want her to hold him because of the smoke.

Yabu if you’ve not been clear of the reason and what you expect of her.

My dad used to smoke like a chimney and stank of smoke. I told him while still pregnant that I would only let him hold the baby if he hadn’t smoked for a couple of hours, had a wash and put on a top which was smoke free (he kept it hung up at our house). He complied with no questions at all as he knew the risks of second and third hand smoke.

jaseyraex · 17/07/2019 09:09

Just ask her to wash her hands after smoking and maybe put on a clean top if the smell is very strong as you're worried about second hand smoke. It's a bit harsh not to let her hold her own grandchild. No need for it to be awkward or upset her.

stucknoue · 17/07/2019 09:12

I think you need to be clear to her that it's her smokey clothes that is the problem and could she change them. Realistically it's not going to hurt him to be cuddled by her though, I hate smoking but with life you have to weigh up likely harm (almost non existent) and ruining your relationship with your mum.

ChiefOfStaph · 17/07/2019 09:14

I agree with PPs, YANBU. Ask her to wash her hands and change her top. I'm sure if you explain the reasons why she should understand. The risk of SIDS is too high to keep quiet just to not offend your mum. She probably hasn't thought about the risks in that way.

pepsimax20bigger · 17/07/2019 09:15

You need to tell her the reason. Give her a chance to change her clothes, brush teeth and wash hands.

Original poster
DanaScully83 · 17/07/2019 09:15

I had told her before she came that she couldn't smoke around him and she has been going outside to do so. I just hadn't realised quite how badly she would smell of it. Even her hair smells strongly of it. Last week the health visitor asked if anyone in the house smoked - I said no but mentioned about my mum coming to visit. The HV went onto talk about the increased risk of SIDS from second hand smoke.

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 17/07/2019 09:17

You need to explain to her and give her a chance to shower, brush teeth, change clothes etc after smoking, or not smoke during the day. Has she not mentioned that she hasn’t held him yet? I totally understand your concern but I’m sure she’d be happy to comply if you explain

Original poster
DanaScully83 · 17/07/2019 09:18

Thanks everyone who has replied so far. I wil definitely ask her to keep a clean smoke free top. I agree she is only here for one week and I don't want to ruin it!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 17/07/2019 09:19

Just mention what the health worker said, and let Mum have holds After she has showered and before her next cigarette

Babdoc · 17/07/2019 09:19

I agree that you should tell her the reason, OP. Otherwise she may think you don’t trust her with the baby, and be very hurt that she’s not allowed to cuddle her grandchild. You can’t keep that up all week, either, without it ending in a confrontation, so better to explain gently from the start and agree a plan, such as hand and face washing and a clean top. Or persuade DM to stop smoking for her own health’s sake! Surely she’d prefer to live long enough to see her GC grow up?

Cheeserton · 17/07/2019 09:21

Tell her. She just needs to hold him after washing and with fresh clothes. Never after smoking.

CalmdownJanet · 17/07/2019 09:22

I said yabu but that's only because she has travelled a long way and I think not letting her hold the baby is weird and cruel, I mean has she not said "eh can I not hold the baby?" Yet? Odd. Anyway yanbu to say "Mum this is awkward, I really appreciate how far you have travelled and that you smoke outside, thank you. I'd love to have cuddles but your going to need a quick change of top and hand wash first, please". Surely then she could hold the baby?

RubbingHimSourly · 17/07/2019 09:22

My DD smokes and the smell of her clothes makes me cough, so God knows what it will do to a baby......... personally I think your mum needs to meet in the middle here and restrict smoking to early morning then shower and clean clothes. Lay off the ciggies in the day and again in the evening if she wants to.

TheSheepofWallSt · 17/07/2019 09:25

I did the same with my DM. Fresh top on after cigarettes (or put something that zips up over the top to smoke), smoke outside only and wash hands, arms and face.

My DM was actually a bit of a dick about it- but as it turns out, DS has asthma and is prone to bronchiolotis, so it’s something I continue to enforce and she gets it (sort of)...

SarahSinclair · 17/07/2019 09:26

It’s unfair to not let her hold him at all on her visit because you will upset her and she will always remind you of it, so you need to be direct and say why and what you want her to do about it.

TokenGinger · 17/07/2019 09:33

In our ante natal class, the midwife told us the increased risk of SIDS from smoking is because baby is being held up against clothes that have smoke trapped in the fibres. Their poor face is pushed up against it and they have no choice but to inhale it.

My mum is a heavy smoker but I was clear from day one she couldn't hold him if she had smoked. Before she comes here, she showers and puts on a fresh top.

Just ask her to do the same. She should understand.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 09:36

Nothing wrong with asking her to wash her hands and change her top. Suggest she has a shower too if her hair smells of it. It might encourage her to smoke less.

MindyStClaire · 17/07/2019 09:37

I'm the most anti-smoking person going, and it sets off my asthma. FIL smokes and I'd never dream of stopping him holding DD. He loves her so much, I love him, and I want them to have the brilliant relationship he has with DNs.

He doesn't smoke anywhere near her. I know there's a risk from third hand smoke, but I'm happy to take that risk in exchange for their good relationship. For now anyway, obviously if she inherits my asthma we may need to put different boundaries in place.

If she smells that bad, ask her to wear a jacket while smoking that she can remove when she comes in, and ask her to wash her hands. But honestly, we can't remove all risk from our children's lives, and some are worth it for the upside.

AGirlHasNoCake · 17/07/2019 09:39

maybe mum needs to use a vape when she is with you, so that there is no smoke?

maddening · 17/07/2019 09:42

Tell her to put a coat on to smoke that gets left as close to outside as poss and she must wash hands and face after each fag and then wait 20 mins before holding the baby. Be frank with her and firm in your boundaries

BertieBotts · 17/07/2019 09:42

I asked my mum to put a jacket on to smoke outside, wait 30 mins after a cigarette and wash her hands. Maybe if she's staying for a week and you have a clean cardigan or something to offer her as well. But I would not ban her from holding him, the bigger danger is when the baby's actual mum/dad smoke or there is a smoker living in the house with them full time. A few minutes of exposure at a time is not going to increase the SIDS risk that much or cause that much harm that it's worth pushing out a loving grandmother from a child's life. The benefits of that relationship outweigh the risks from occasional smoke exposure, IMO.

lumpy76 · 17/07/2019 09:43

Could it be motivation for her to give up or to switch to vaping? I say this because my own Grandma vowed that when her first grandchild was born she would give up. In jan 1970 the very day my eldest Dbro was born she gave up.

StoppinBy · 17/07/2019 09:44

YANBU at all. When my son was a baby and in hospital we were in a room with a toddler who was on oxygen and Ventolin due to asthma. The nurses came in and told the mum who was a smoker that she needed to stop holding her child as every time she did his oxygen sats dropped.

I think you need to tell her though and offer her a set of smoke free clothing that she can wear while holding baby and of course hand washing and not straight after smoking etc.