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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to let my Mum hold my baby?

115 replies

DanaScully83 · 17/07/2019 09:03

My DS is 6 weeks old and my Mum has travelled a long way to stay with us for 1 week. This was a lovely surprise and I am very grateful that she made the long journey. However, she is a heavy smoker. Although she goes outside to smoke her and clothes smell very strongly of smoke - so I have not let her hold my DS. Whenever she goes to pick him up I intervene and say he needs a feed or a nappy change. AIBU and does anyone have advice on how to handle this without unnecessarily upsetting her?

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 17/07/2019 14:33

I would definitely just tell her that you are not willing to put your child in a situation of breathing in her fag drenched clothes.

At the end of the day your child comes first and if your mother can't see that, shame on her. Maybe she just isn't aware the damage it can cause, so once you explain, she may behave in the correct manner.

I cant believe in this day and age it still needs explaining !!!

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 17/07/2019 14:35

@herculepoirot2 She's not talking "down" to anyone fgs Hmm she's just saying "this is what needs to be done if you want to be near my baby" quite rightly.
If a loving grandparent can't put the newborn needs first, and they strop off in a dramatic self absorbed flounce of "no one tells me what to do (cos I haven't emotionally matured since 13 to realise other people have needs)" then they are not much of an adult are they?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2019 14:36

I would explain the issue.
Then I would let her know that once she has had a shower and brushed her teeth and put on fresh clothes, that she is welcome to hold the baby.
She needs to know it's not OK for you unless these needs are met.

And I say this as a smoker!

herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 14:37

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap

Whereas I think that is the argument of someone who wants to be able to talk to others however they like, and is using their child as the emotional stick to beat the parent with. “If you loved them you would let me call you dirty and disgusting and tell you when you needed a shower.”

Nope.

If my children want me in their children’s lives they’ll have to try not being pompous, condescending little gits.

Bourbonbiccy · 17/07/2019 14:43

If a loving grandparent can't put the newborn needs first, and they strop off in a dramatic self absorbed flounce of "no one tells me what to do

Exactly this, but I think it's a lot to do with education, surely it's only if you are uneducated in the subject, you would actually do it, other than that , you are just willing putting a baby at risk.

So people are either uneducated in the subject or

So self absorbed, their smoking takes priority over a babies health.

Bourbonbiccy · 17/07/2019 14:45

I also think it's usually the older generation who demand respect but then behave in such a manner that doesn't show others respect and with their behaviour makes it pretty damn hard to respect them.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 17/07/2019 15:20

I would explain to her the reasons why you don’t want her to hold him. Otherwise she may end up feeling very hurt.

I would also say that if she wants to hold him she will have to wash her hands and wear clothes she hasn’t smoked in.

It might be the kick up the bum she needs to quit.

BertieBotts · 17/07/2019 15:21

I think it takes it a bit far TBH to insist that the grandparent has one cuddle a day, portions off part of the day to not smoke at all, has a shower, brushes teeth. Tooth brushing in particular doesn't even make sense because it's not your teeth which give off second hand smoke, it's your lungs.

Washing hands is extremely reasonable - I'd expect most people to wash hands before touching a newborn anyway, but doubly so when they have been doing something dirty.

Waiting for a period of time is also OK, changing clothes borderline for me, but if you're particularly concerned about the baby's face being close to material, then fair enough, especially for somebody staying for several days so likely to have several cuddles during those days.

And you absolutely should not demand anybody quit, or "try to persuade them" - no matter how strongly you feel. It's just rude and patronising IMO. They are an adult, they know the risks.

Like somebody else said, any baby born today will have FAR lower smoking exposure than babies born 30, 40, or 50 years ago. That's an achievement and it's worth keeping in perspective. Most babies will be fine even when they are exposed to a lot of cigarette smoke (of course a minority will be not, which is why it's a good thing that we are more aware of the risks today.) Babies will also come across all kinds of contaminants and you might as well start policing everything - did Grandma have a glass of wine and might have alcohol fumes on her breath? Are you going to put some kind of air filter contraption on the pram to avoid car exhaust fumes? To some extent you've got to relax and accept that risk factors exist but it's about doing what you reasonably can to reduce exposure, not about obsessively and aggressively eliminating every risk in the manner of a steamroller, to hell with what you damage in the pursuit.

Are people who are obsessively worried about cigarette smoke also aware of the issue of toxic flame retardants in furniture, carpets, blankets, prams and car seats? There was a poster who went around the boards mentioning this on every topic but most people don't even think about it. Do you think that nursery staff or midwives are all banned from smoking? They wash hands and remove outside clothing but don't usually take precautions apart from that.

DS2 never met one of his grandfathers as he died shortly before he was born, probably due to smoking. I am pretty sure we would take any risks from smoking if it meant DS2 could have a cuddle with his grandad, who would have loved him so very much.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2019 15:24

I also think it's usually the older generation who demand respect but then behave in such a manner that doesn't show others respect and with their behaviour makes it pretty damn hard to respect them.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 17/07/2019 15:26

Your mum could easily keep a non smoking too in the house which she could put on indoors when she wants a cuddle. Then change again when she wants to go out for a fag. I think that’s a fair compromise.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 17/07/2019 15:28

I would also like to add that I never put restrictions on smokers holding my two when they were little ( well unless they had a fag hanging out of their mouth while actually holding them). It wouldn’t of crossed mine or anyone I kneed mind to stop them, even when mine were little (14 and 11). Everyone seems super cautious now.

Bourbonbiccy · 17/07/2019 15:55

I also think it's usually the older generation who demand respect but then behave in such a manner that doesn't show others respect and with their behaviour makes it pretty damn hard to respect them.

sigh>

Sorry @Nanny0gg that probably was quite a sweeping and incorrect statement.

It was more emotive than anything. As my uncle who smokes like a trooper, harped on about respect and behaved like an absolute idiot when I had my son. I never liked him smoking around my son a request he used try to ignore, so sorry for that statement 😳😳😳😳

CatteStreet · 17/07/2019 16:04

BertieBotts, part of your argument seems to be 'no, it's not perfect but a lot better than it used to be when everyone was wading through fugs of the stuff, so we should be happy with how it is now'. To flog the car seat analogy to death, say your MIL turns up with a car seat she used 25 years ago for your dh. Would you be happy to use it? Would you accept her arguing 'it's a lot better than no car seat'? No, you'd want a recent one which conforms to current safety standards. This is analogous to what people posting on here want for their babies re smoking exposure. And as far as the 'it's not worth wrecking the relationship over' argument, surely it's the choice of smoking relatives to ruin the relationship over it, i.e. put their smoking above the relationship, if they won't take the precautions that their grandchild's parents ask them to? It does seem as if many people can't yet imagine the onus being on a smoker to change their habits - it has to be the child that sucks up the added risk. That's what I mean about 'us' being culturally still very, very indulgent of smoking.

Tigger001 · 17/07/2019 16:53

I wouldn't have anyone holding my DC who had just had a cigarette. The risk would be too high.
And not only that, putting the risks aside, it does stink, so why would I want that to be forced in them.

It's their choice to smoke and go against the warnings and I can't believe a mother/grandmother would be willing to risk the relationship with their daughter or grandchild over it.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2019 20:46

@Bourbonbiccy

Thank you. And I absolutely understand about the emotive bit. I feel the same way Flowers

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