AIBU not to let my Mum hold my baby?

[DanaScully83]

My DS is 6 weeks old and my Mum has travelled a long way to stay with us for 1 week. This was a lovely surprise and I am very grateful that she made the long journey. However, she is a heavy smoker. Although she goes outside to smoke her and clothes smell very strongly of smoke - so I have not let her hold my DS. Whenever she goes to pick him up I intervene and say he needs a feed or a nappy change. AIBU and does anyone have advice on how to handle this without unnecessarily upsetting her?

but I'm happy to take that risk in exchange for their good relationship.

But YOU’RE not taking that risk, your baby is the one being put at risk and they have no choice. I’m sure your dad would be happy to compromise, if you explain the risk, especially since his own dil has asthma.

If she smells that bad, ask her to wear a jacket while smoking that she can remove when she comes in, and ask her to wash her hands. But honestly, we can't remove all risk from our children's lives, and some are worth it for the upside.

What's the upside of SIDs?

YANBU at all. When my son was a baby and in hospital we were in a room with a toddler who was on oxygen and Ventolin due to asthma. The nurses came in and told the mum who was a smoker that she needed to stop holding her child as every time she did his oxygen sats dropped.

So all of you saying it's 'worth it because of their relationship' please read the above!

Yanbu. I agree with pp about restricting smoking to before her shower in the morning. Then wearing a top she hasn't smoked in.

The HV went onto talk about the increased risk of SIDS from second hand smoke

This is correct but there’s no second hand smoke going on here. She’s smoking outside, however I do understand your worry. I would say to your mum that she can hold the baby after showering in the morning and when she has clean clothes on etc that she must change her top and wash her hands and face and brush her teeth thereafter before holding him.

She needs a smoking jacket?

Although not very pleasant, a top smelling of smoke isn't going to harm anyone.

I would let her hold the baby - I think it is a bit mean to not let her cuddle her own grandchild. Or ask her to put on a clean top. As other posters have said, you've got to be honest with her.

Yanbu. You’re not the one ruining it, if she wants to hold her grandchild she can cut out the fags for a few days whilst she’s visiting?

If a fag is more important than that it’s not your issue, your DS’s health comes first.

So if you have a cigarette and then hold your baby, she will breathe in these harmful substances. Smoking inside your home when your baby isn't there is not safe either. Poisons from cigarette smoke can settle on surfaces throughout your house, and stay there long after the smoke and smells disperse.
https://www.babycentre.co.uk

But YOU’RE not taking that risk, your baby is the one being put at risk and they have no choice.

Well, yeah. She's one year old. If I let her choose what risks to take she'd walk straight off the bed into thin air. It's my job to choose what risks are ok for her to take until she's mature enough to do so herself.

I'm happy that my healthy baby having an occasional cuddle with Granda who only ever smokes outside is fine. She lives in a smoke-free house, goes to a smoke-free nursery, is fit and healthy, has never had an antibiotic, or bad cough etc. We rarely walk along busy streets even - I suspect people who regularly push their DC in buggies through cities with all the car fumes etc are taking much bigger risks but no one is telling them to move to the countryside.

Obviously, smoking and then holding a sick baby - not great. Smoking in a car with a baby or child, or indeed anyone. Not great.

But an occasional cuddle with Granda. Meh. I really can't get worked up about it. She's already going to grow up with a much lower exposure to smoke than I or anyone my age had - remember coming home from a nightclub and needing to take a shower? We have to balance risks and this is one that I (and DH) am happy to take.

I'd ask her to wash her hands / face after smoking and wear a big coat or sweater outside to smoke. We had this problem with MIL.

@Blue2309 it’s still chemical exposure.

Cigarettes contain loads of shit, it may not be smoke the child is breathing in but rest assured the child would stink of the stuff after being held by someone who has smoked.

Polonium 210 is a personal favourite.

There’s 7000 chemicals in cigarette smoke, which the ops mum would be covered in.

When DD was tiny I only allowed smokers near her if they'd changed their clothes, washed hands and brushed teeth. If they smelt of smoke? Sorry not happening.
No exceptions - everyone stuck to it.
It was PFB but I couldn't care less, she was prem.

My dsis is a smoker, even though in her high ceilinged house it's unnoticeable but when I get home I wash my clothes as everything in my case smells, even clean stuff.

My dm - a non smoker- died of cancer and I always blamed that on passive smoking. At the end of every week I would hang my coats, suits etc outside to get rid of the smell of smoke from travelling on the train, tubes and buses. I used to get a lot of stick about my coughing and streaming eyes in smoky places. I jokingly referred to one of my colleague's office as an ashtray, back in the late 60's. I was staggered I got support and not criticism from other non smokers. My dsis has health issues related to her smoking and she now needs to stop.

I am not surprised your hv can smell smoke. Wash all your dm's clothes, change them every day and she needs to wash her hair daily as she will smell like an ashtray.

Explain to her, if she’s staying with you could she not have a cuddle first thing, when in clean clothing, washed, before smoking?
The way she will have been smoke free overnight and probably the best opportunity of minimising the second hand smoke?

Although not very pleasant, a top smelling of smoke isn't going to harm anyone

But an occasional cuddle with Granda. Meh. I really can't get worked up about it. She's already going to grow up with a much lower exposure to smoke than I or anyone my age had

But we know more now. We know that there ARE risks.

My GP, MW and HV were very clear about the risks associated with babies being pressed up against the clothes of smokers when I had DD2. They went through it pretty carefully. There aren't even any smokers in our family!

I think YABU not to let your mum hold her grandchild. Understand your reason, but explain it to her.

Blue talking nonsense there I'm afraid. It directly does raise the risk of SIDS, contact with smoke and/or smoke contaminated materials. It stinks because there's residue and contamination, and lots of it. It's not a question of 'unpleasant'. It's whether you want to raise the risk of your baby dying suddenly. Worth taking seriously, in my book.

I am not a smoker, but if I did smoke, I couldn’t handle people telling me when to shower and change and brush my teeth. It must make her feel so disgusting and dirty to be told she can’t hold her grandchild. I would probably just stay at home in her shoes.

‘Although not very pleasant, a top smelling of smoke isn't going to harm anyone’ - this isn’t true, we know second/ third/ 4th hand smoke is harmful.

There’s a lot of environmental chemicals that we can’t control and are extremely bad for us, but when we see something bad that we can control, why shouldn’t we?

Just tell her
Straight up!
smoking ---> not holding the baby
Not smoking --> holding the baby

Is the baby is that important to her (which it should hahah)she should just quit! (For the week at least haha)

@MindyStClaire perhaps your FIL, who is indulging in a habit with literal downsides and no benefits, could prioritise that beautiful relationship you want him to have by not smoking before he holds your daughter? It’s a low risk, yes, but why is your daughter the one carrying it when an adult could make a small change and remove it completely?

My GM is a chain-smoker. She can get through 60 a day - her house is stained yellow from all the smokes. The ceiling above her head where she sits and smokes is a deep brown.
It's not just a top 'smelling' like smoke, it's what we can't see that frightens me.

This is coming from someone who smoked 20 a day for years.

it is risky as others have pointed out

please don't listen to the "ah it'll do no harm" brigade.

This is a gift to you: being a mother often involves standing up for your child and navigating awkward situations gracefully and bravely, so you bring up issues and set boundaries with kindness. And luckily you get to test this out with your own mum who probably loves you as much as you love your baby. Tell her kindly she needs to wash and change clothes to keep your baby safe.

You're the mummy now- it's your job. You got this.