AIBU not to let my Mum hold my baby?

[DanaScully83]

My DS is 6 weeks old and my Mum has travelled a long way to stay with us for 1 week. This was a lovely surprise and I am very grateful that she made the long journey. However, she is a heavy smoker. Although she goes outside to smoke her and clothes smell very strongly of smoke - so I have not let her hold my DS. Whenever she goes to pick him up I intervene and say he needs a feed or a nappy change. AIBU and does anyone have advice on how to handle this without unnecessarily upsetting her?

I made mine wear a big coat to smoke in which then stayed outside. Plus wash hands and wait for 1 hr. Maybe show her some stuff on NHS direct or something so she's knows how serious it is.

its totally understandable why you think and feel this so dont worry on that front.
but to not tell her will only make things more akward andpossibly upsetting.she will realise your not letting her hold him and will start wondering why possibly jumping to all sort of conclusions.or if she then realsies will wonder why or how to mention it and it will just become this "thing" dont ruin the time she is here over something you could just explain and then try and come up with something together.

We were just very matter of fact before our son was born that people who had been smoking wouldn’t be holding him (not just the risks but also because I didn’t want my baby smelling of cigarettes). No one was offended. I would go with a simple, ‘Mum, I’m so glad you’ve come to visit. The HV flagged some info with me about second hand smoke and it’s effects, would you mind changing your shirt and washing your hands before you have a cuddle?’ Simples.

It’s not just protecting your ds too. Imagine if someone had let a smoker hold their child and that child suffered sids, they’d never forgive themselves.

"Third-hand Smoke" means the chemical residual of tobacco smoke contamination that clings to clothing, wall, furniture, carpet, cushions, hair, skin and other materials after the cigarette is extinguished. Nicotine residues will soak into a smoker's skin and clothing even if they smoke outside."

"In some situations, third-hand smoke can even remain on fabric for a year and a half after the last exposure to cigarette smoke. This residue can lead to respiratory issues like coughing, asthma, and respiratory tract infections. Third-hand smoke most often sticks around on indoor surfaces."

Third hand smoke contains over 250 chemicals apparently!

The level of smoke that the babe will experence will be way way down on whats going into your mums lungs. Also the exposure will be very small and short over time.

Also just how do you protect the child when your in the car and or the hight street where other higher concetrations of polluants are around?.

Ones that you might not be able to smell or detect that easily?.

You need to tell her but meantime I was brought up in a house where both my parents smoked and indeed my Mum never even gave up when she was pregnant with me - I turned out fine! And I don't smoke either.

My gran stank of smoke. She never realised how bad until I told her, when I was about 11, that her beautifully ironed linen, she had lovingly put on my bed when I went to stay, stank of smoke. She was so mortified, she quitted.

I’m not suggesting third hand smoke isn’t a risk, but the research I have looked at suggests that there is not yet a clear and quantifiable connection between SIDS and occasional exposure to a smoky environment or to third hand smoke. Overwhelmingly, the risk of SIDS appears to rise when either the mother smokes during pregnancy or someone smokes in the home. I am not saying I would encourage people who smoke around my baby, but I am not going to stop my mum (who did smoke, years ago) from holding my child as an occasional thing. I believe in keeping a sense of proportion.

You need to tell her but meantime I was brought up in a house where both my parents smoked and indeed my Mum never even gave up when she was pregnant with me - I turned out fine! And I don't smoke either.

I hate this attitude. My SIL was fine too at one point. A few years later and she wasn't.

You MUST tell her.

If you continue as you are she'll be paranoid thinking you don't trust her to hold the baby or you hate her or something.

Put on your big girl pants and just tell her that the smell on her clothes transfers to the baby.

My mum smokes and smells strongly of smoke I told her when my son was born that I was worried about SIDS
So when she comes to mine now she vapes outside and she showers & puts clean clothes on before leaving her house, I think it's a small sacrifice to make considering the potential consequences and my mum loves her grandson more than anything in the world so she isn't bothered by it at all
OP could you not maybe talk to your mum about vaping instead of smoking and get her to throw all smoking stuff out and wash all clothes, I don't smoke and even if somebody comes to mine that has had a smoke within the last hour or so it clings to my soft furnishings and I can smell it,
I'm sure if you sit your mum down and explain things she will be fine and she should respect your wishes

Aus84, you need to quantify that.

I'm not saying smoking isn't bad. I hate smoking and hate being around smokers. I hate the smell. I would never condone it, particularly because of the long term health effects but I'm 50 now. Is some ailment that besets me in the next few year blamed on the fact my parents smoked??

I was just trying to give a view from the bigger picture. One hold of the baby until the OP explains why isn't going to have a long term affect on the health of the child, but if you can scientifically provide proof that it will, then I stand corrected.

YANBU to stop someone with clothes/hair all impregnated with smoke holding your baby.

YABU if you haven't told your mum why - it's quite possible that she believes smoking outside is enough - if you don't explain to her she can't work with you to reach a point you'd be happy for her to hold him.

Would it be possible to go shopping with her for a special cuddle top (or two) that live in your house and go through your washing machine (even if she put on one of her 'clean' tops, chances are it's already 'smokey'), and make it clear that she can have 'cuddle time' - so long as she hasn't smoked for 2hrs before, has showered and changed into the cuddle top - also is her hair long enough to tie back?

I wouldn't suggest she hold him first thing in the morning, all the smokers I know are desperate for a cigarette when they wake up, and most of them cough a bit too - I wouldn't want them coughing all over DS

At the same time I'd be gently making it clear that DS wouldn't be visiting any house that has a smoker resident - including but not just hers.

[Personally I don't think vaping is any better! excluding prescribed medication, I don't think we should be inhaling substances in this fashion - I can understand it as a stepping stone to quit smoking, but I know too many who have switched to and continue to vape, and I also know a surprising number of younger people who have never smoked a cigarette, but are addicted to vaping the sweet/fruity rubbish. I fully expect in 20ish yrs time we're going to 'discover' that vaping is also really fucking bad for you.]

You really need your mum at this time. Don't be falling out.

Point out handwash as essential.
Then if you can somehow let her think that she's thought of second top.

Don't forget, she is of generation smoker.Its not her fault she hasn't managed to give up. Yet.

Buy her Alan Carr, Easyway book and d.v.d
It will be no time before she is smoke free

I am not a smoker, but if I did smoke, I couldn’t handle people telling me when to shower and change and brush my teeth. It must make her feel so disgusting and dirty to be told she can’t hold her grandchild. I would probably just stay at home in her shoes.

But it is disgusting and dirty.

And as I have lost at least 4 family members because of it, I won't think any differently.

Don't forget, she is of generation smoker

Which generation is that? We don't know how old she is

"Although not very pleasant, a top smelling of smoke isn't going to harm anyone."

But as you say, not pleasant.

So why should a tiny baby have to be snuggled against it?

Would you want to be?

Nanny0gg

Not asking you to. I’m just not so desperate to hold babies that I would be talked down to like that. By anybody.

No, you’re not.

Your poor mum. Please let her hold the baby! She must be desperate to hold him, and stepping in all the time will be stressful for you. It will be so much better if you can hand him over for a bit, to go and have a shower, hang the clothes on the line, whatever. She is an adult and can cope with the truth. The clean t-shirt thing is a good idea, so please don't leave her guessing any more. She loves you both. Tell her nicely :)

As for the second-hand smoke thing, yes, it's unpleasant, but it's only for a week. Better this way than alienating your mum for all time. After all, you grew up with it, didn't you? And survived?

Ask her to shower, clean her teeth and put one of your tops on and then let her have a hold. Do express that it's your anxiety about the cigarette residue and the baby's health. I hope she would understand - but she can't understand until you explain it!

'This is a gift to you: being a mother often involves standing up for your child and navigating awkward situations gracefully and bravely, so you bring up issues and set boundaries with kindness.'

This.

We're (in general/culturally) still far too indulgent of smoking and smokers. I do understand it is hard to stand up to older family members, especially ones that may have been used to being the matriarch/patriarch, but as parents we're supposed to put our children first. Would any of you let your parents/PIL drive your dc with no car seat because back then they didn't have any and they were all fine? No? This is similar. A couple of generations ago, the idea that second hand smoke could cause harm was probably rubbished. We know more now, and we're finding out all the time.

Tbh, I wouldn't be having a smoker to stay in my house with a newborn baby, never mind them holding that baby. Like a PP, for me, smoking = not holding the baby and not smoking = holding the baby.

As this is going the same way all these near identical smoking and babies threads go, once again for the hard of thinking for themselves, there are no recorded instances, case studies, research showing any human has ever suffered harm from "third hand smoke".
As any fool should know it's the dose that makes the poison and mere exposure doesn't guarantee harm.
"Third hand smoke" is merely another tool used by public health wonks to fear-monger and shame mothers into not smoking themselves.