AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

Both my Mils were dead by the time I arrived on the scene so I have no real experience, although Mr Human’s mum sounds lovely - to the extent that his ex invited her to live with them when she was widowed.

My stepson’s MiL however will be a huge factor if they ever separate. She hijacked their wedding, was in the delivery room when their son was born and is now offering them £££ so she can sell her house and they can buy a much bigger one where she can have an annexe and provide childcare. We’re watching this car crash play out in fascinated horror. Needless to say, we’re not saying what we think.

Sdil appears to have no boundaries where her mother is concerned but I guess that’s OK because it’s not her MiL.

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They probably had poor relationships with their controlling mothers, who taught them to see other girls as competition not allies or friends. At a guess, as its about feeling their power & control is being threatened.

@boosterrooster yes totally with you on keeping the mil at arms length for our own mental health - and to lessen unnecessary stress before baby arrives.

Did try explaining this to my husband and he flew off the handle. Oh the joys!

@JerichoCrumbles already tried that and after a few weeks of him talking to her she's back to her usual self.

He's now at the point where he doesn't bat an eyelid to anything she says now. Can't blame him as he's had this all his life. So frustrating!

Indeed. I think though the desire for power and control though over others speaks to character. That’s why I have no sympathy, none, for these people, including my own mother.

I have no desire to dominate or impose my will on any one, far less those I love.

I see my own children not as part of or extensions of my wife and I, but as their own unique people. I have no ownership of them and they will go into adulthood owing us nothing. I will always be there for them, on their terms, without ego.

We got to experience our dream of being a family, a loving family at that. That is and always will be good enough for me, and I will look back at when my children were small and not cry because it is over but smile because it happened and we were there.

I think people who can’t find it within themselves to be like that with their adult children are sad cunts and that would be fine if they kept their nasty to themselves and it didn’t harm others but they don’t and it does, and they don’t care. They just want what they want, like other people are mere flesh and bone abstractions to be manipulated and not real, like them.

Bertrand these are your standard lines on these threads, you accept that there are horrific mils out there but, there's always a but.. I get the impression these threads baffle you in some way and you cannot grasp what it's like.

Bertrand, what you're being told here is that you're not toeing the party line, all MILs are evil and all DILs are wonderful!
Maybe if both mothers, his and hers, were accorded the same respect then there would be fewer problems, the reality is that generally her mother is considered to be top dog, her daughter isn't expected to cut herself off from her mother for the rest of her life yet she expects her husband to do just that.
Come school events etc. where tickets are at a premium it'll be her mother who goes, not his.My mother never set foot inside her grandchildren's schools, the maternal mother was always there. Treat the two mothers more fairly and you may have fewer problems.

“the reality is that generally her mother is considered to be top dog,”

This is often a problem in the dynamic, and it is in the minds and makeups of MIL, DIL and M.

Where this tendency exists of is not overcome, it is bewildering to H because men just do not think like this or care about these things.

Think I’ve got a crush on @StreetwiseHercules

“Come school events etc. where tickets are at a premium it'll be her mother who goes, not his.My mother never set foot inside her grandchildren's schools, the maternal mother was always there. Treat the two mothers more fairly and you may have fewer problems.”

This notion of fairness is pathetic. Grandmothers are not children who need to be placated like this. The idea that parents of young children and babies have the time of mental energy to pander to this rubbish is even more fanciful.

“Think I’ve got a crush on @StreetwiseHercules”

Thank you! I am very happily married but I still love it when it happens. 😆

This notion of fairness is pathetic

Its not though.It should be at least fair.I know not everything can be 50/50.

Fair to whom?

@LadyRannaldini actually it’s like this when GPs come to visit

DM: do you two want to go for dinner? DF and I will watch the kids. Shall I take them to the softplay for an hour this morning?

MIL: DH please book the best restaurant in town for the two of us to go. Then book the next best for FIL you and I to go the next night. Don’t worry about your DCs, Edge will watch them while you take me shopping. By the way you do too much with the DCs, that’s your wife’s job.

So yeah for school plays surprise who will get the first invite.

nuggles What do you think drives your MiL?

The fairness thing almost always boils down to a DIL who can be bothered to make plans with her mother and a DS who can't be arsed to do so with his. Of course its all the DILs fault for not doing the wifework of managing her DPs relationship with his mother.

I do think that a lot of MIL are no worse than mums its just you're conditioned by your own family or rebelled in the teenage years and have an understanding. When i look at other peoples parents, both sets seem equally annoying.

None of that helps if you have a horrible mother in law though. I dont have a solution. Just hope you have a supportive DH that can see it i guess.

“The fairness thing almost always boils down to a DIL who can be bothered to make plans with her mother and a DS who can't be arsed to do so with his. ”

My wife and I both made a real effort with my mother, but it was never enough. She received far more attention and involvement from us than my MIL ever has, as she lives hundreds of miles away.

For a lot of mothers of sons, no amount of fawning or attention is ever enough, it’s always “but what have you done for me lately”. I got sick of it and started to do less, that’s when the trouble really started.

As for men though often not giving their mothers attention, why is this bad of men? Not enough in who’s eyes? Why must the son have to compromise how he chooses to live for the rest of his life to attend to a grown adult woman on top of all the other responsibilities of life?

Dependence needs to end with adulthood and that cuts both ways.

The fairness thing almost always boils down to a DIL who can be bothered to make plans with her mother and a DS who can't be arsed to do so with his

Or a DIL who says, without any discussion with her husband, My mother's coming, suck it up!

Yes, @BertrandRussell, but we aren't talking about those MILs here. That is a separate issue altogether and can be addressed in a different thread. We are talking about the MILs who are seriously disrespectful or dangerous.

Your OP asked for theories on difficult MILs

I think most DILs (myself included) really want to have a good relationship with their MILs and want their husbands to have a good relationship with their mothers too, yet it becomes impossible because the MIL makes it so and there doesn't seem to be anything that can be done about it. A shame all around.

The husband has had a relationship with his mother since he was born. That relationship is for them to navigate, why do you think you 'wanting him to have a good relationship with his mother' is even an appropriate thing to write? Do you think that you have some part, or influence in his relationship with his mother now he's married? Can you see how controlling that sounds and how if played out it would cause conflict? They're two adults, it's their relationship. You and MIL negotiate your own relationship, independently of that.

Uh-oh!

@JerichoCrumbles I would say she likes to be centre of attention and have things her way.
In all honesty she probably just wants to be loved but is going to the opposite extreme of showing that through controlling and bullying behaviour. I'd have no problem with her if she wasn't so manipulative and lying.

How about yours?

Difficult people don't realise that they're difficult. They lack self awareness and the ability to self reflect. That doesn't just apply to MILS... it's all PITA.

If you don't think your behaviour is a problem, you won't see the need to modify it.

I remember a few months ago I was copied into an email (I work in HR), where an employee told her manager, she would only attend a meeting with her on the basis that she didn't raise her voice, sigh loudly, wag her fingers and was polite to her.

The manager asks for my attendance, because she allegedly has no idea what the employee is on about.

The thing is everyone complains about her...yet she remains in denial.

If this person is a MIL, I can only imagine what a nightmare she'd be.

@catherine1987

It's that old saying - 'a daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife' - my MIL is pretty old fashioned and I'm sure she knows that saying.

I have not been monumentally selfish in my relationship with my in laws. I have included them despite not particularly enjoying their company and not wanting to, and DH not really being bothered but me insisting. But as I read somewhere else on this thread, his relationship with them is his business and I'm happy to let him get on with it.

@SandyY2K - I agree to an extent. My MIL is fully aware she is being irritating and carries on regardless, even after she is asked not to do it.