AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

Am I the only person on earth that loved their MiL and FiL to bits? My MilL was far nicer than my own mother but that's another story...

Op, there are millions of women out there with absolutely fine Mil /dil relationships.

Just as Bertrand said, many can exist cordially and have shallow relations if there is nothing else to go on.

When people on here are driven to ask for help about their mils or they need to off load, need different experiences and opinions it's more often than not that the relationship has broken down.

On some cases this can mean the destruction of the family unit, and break up of the marriage. In other cases years can be lost whilst things play out.

To belittle the pain, a usually wildly jealous Mil can wreak on people's lives is either totally ignorant or plain nasty and wicked.

It's hard to empathise with situations we have never experienced, perhaps a disabled child, widow, cancer... But really, what would draw someone with no knowledge in this area onto countless threads where they have zero understanding or empathy.

I can't imagine what kind of arse hole I'd be to wade into threads where someone has lost their dh for instance and just keep saying... Pull yourself together, you should never have expected your dh to live it's a bonus if they do.

Awful.

Anyway, I think your op is spot on. It's jealousy and being competitive.

Mine didn't want someone taking away her son - she would rather he remain unmarried than be happy living with someone else.

Ironically, desperately trying to keep hold of him has not made him stay close to her. WeWe live less than 10 miles away and we go when he feels duty calling. He goes weeks without speaking to her.

@Limensoda Agree, but in both of my cases of bad MILs the sons became better people after they got together with me.

@pussincahoots
That wouldn't matter to a mil who feels that way. She wouldn't like her son changing. Mad but I think true.

@edgeofheaven

Yes that too. Definalty that too.

Narcissism. Arrogant narcissism.

My MIL doesn't like that people (FIL, DH, SIL and her siblings) normally accept her overstepping and ignoring boundaries, whereas I do not accept this, so she falsely accuses me of being rude and whatever else. She also does not like that I am close to my family when DH isn't super keen on spending time with her/FIL/SIL.

SIL sees me as a potential rival to her "golden child / centre of attention" status (neither of which I care about) and so 'stirs' with MIL so they both gossip about how rude and awful I am and it's a vicious cycle.

I think there is something in the rebelling thing. Neither dh or sil rebelled and mil overly mothers to this day. My sil cant even sleep in her home if her partner is working away she has to have another adult with her. Mil will happily sleep over or have sil back home. I think by mid 20’s you should of learnt to sleep in a house alone and mil is doing her no favours but hey it’s their lives.

However that links it to silly things where she still try’s with dh, family holidays we book that ends up being whole family gatherings with her being head of camp so to speak. All doctors or dentist appointments must be relayed in full and preferably known about well in advance even if it’s something simple like going for a scale and polish or genera check up. All things car related must go via her be that buying new cars, fixing cars, insuring cars to the extent she has to pay and you pay her back regardless. Very much a helps money wise but actually helping really never.

I’ve stepped back and told dh his family his problem. It shall be interesting to watch as I’m no longer being involved at all.

I want my son to move out and live life as soon as his old enough then I can move away to country.

Does anyone have any sympathy for women who feel that their children are being taken away from them? Does anyone think they might feel the same- even if they manage not to let the feeling show?

@PutTheBassInYourWalk Love the name. Perhaps if I put more bass in my walk my MIL wouldn't mess with me so much.

But you make an interesting point. There are no boundaries among my in laws. They intrude on each others' lives all the time and know every little move each one makes. It's stifling. One sneezes on the other side of the planet and we all hear it and have to sympathise. Totally bizarre. So when I attempted to put boundaries in place I met with immense resistance.

I think some parents believe their children are their property to control and have trouble letting go of the codependency. Some then latch onto their grandchildren for this. As a PP said, narcissism.

@BertrandRussell Yes, of course. I have a son and I am very sad thinking one day he will leave. BUT, I'm not interested in competing for his love. Mother love and partner love are very different. I'm interested in him being an independent and happy person who can make his own decisions. And if he met someone who made an effort with me I'd be glad and do what I could to cultivate a good relationship with him/her so we could remain on good terms. Being sad your son is being "taken away" (read: growing up and making choices) is no excuse for being an arsehole.

yes bertrandrussell I've got more understanding of MIL now than I did when I first met her as a teenager but there is too much history now. Your point about people expecting too much on both sides and not understanding there are boundaries is spot on.

It's hard though - I realised my parents are poor at setting boundaries with family and friends, everyone adores them because they let themselves be slightly taken advantage of, but it was poor training for IL skills!

@pussincahooots

Glad it's not just me! Totally understand what you mean about the sneezing. It drives me MAD.

Our most recent boundary issue is that MIL feels "unwelcome" at our house because she thinks I don't want her here. She has failed to connect this to or listen to DH explain that this is because she has visited our house at least four times when we have not been home and she knows we have not been home and she hasn't been invited or let us know she was coming, and let herself into the garden through the side entrance and peered through the back windows or walked into the house and interrogated our workmen, or "driven past just for a look" (our house is not on her way to anywhere) and peered in the front windows.

But I'm rude because I "don't want her to visit"

Every dil I've come across in rl and on here has had oodles of sympathy for mils, which is why most of us are the ones saying to their sons.. Call your mum, it's your mums birthday, have you seen your mum, would your mum like to see the school show...

With problem mils they don't see this because they have unrealistic view of their relationship with thier son. And they are rude and nasty to their dils.

So many dils stop trying.

Many dils will have their own parents who will speak of loosing their daughters, it's not just the sons and mils.

@PutTheBassInYourWalk Creepy. My MIL got upset because I asked her to stop opening our mail

On the boundaries issue I am not sure how dils over step boundaries when it's usually their home that a. Mil expects to treat like her own.

Endless tales of mils rummaging through draws, tidying up when it's not wanted or required, judgement on cleanliness etc.

There's also letting oneself go with the full force of the green eyed monster and wrecking son and dil relations and gently and lightly feeling the pain but looking at the positives, usually, grandchild.

My mum is an absolute nightmare. She doesn't have a daughter in law but if she did I would offer a lot of sympathy to my daughter in law because I'm sure she would be worse.

I think it depends on the person. I've never had a bad experience with a partner's mother.

@pussincahoots

Starting to wonder if we have the same MIL!

@HappyPunky So is mine. She’s got vastly different issues to my MIL in that she’s not clingy and her DIL is relatively unaffected, but that’s also because my siblings and I shut her down when she starts to interfere. She’s also made a life for herself that is separate from her adult children so she’s otherwise occupied.

Is part of the perception that the posts on here are 99.9% from the DIL's perspective?

Maybe the MIL looks at their DIL's behaviour in an equally critical way, eg being told, often by her mother, when it's convenitent to visit a new grandchild, expecting her son to cut all ties with her that don't include his new 'little family' while her mother is constantly in their lives.

For the people who are mothers of sons - how are you going to make sure that you are not the dreadful mil stereotype?

By accepting the fact that if a battle of supremacy springs up between myself and my DC's DP, it's one I can't possibly hope to win. I'm actually amazed that any MiL fails to recognize this pretty fundamental point, but it seems plenty do, and TBH I can't help but think these people can't be very bright.

Also, I'd try to live by the mantra that competition is the thief of joy. I'd adopt the same rule I use as a DiL; which is that MiL's relationships with my SiL's DC and my own are not the same and comparisons do nobody any favours. I've always been willing to accept the DGP/GC relationship on the basis on which she offers it (sparse). So - no comparisons between my relationship with any DGC and their relationship with the partners' parents. Or to offer unasked for advice, interfere, or try to barge my way into the delivery ward when completely unwanted. (Here's looking at you, MiL ...).

I hope all that's enough to convince them of my goodwill. And health-permitting, I'll have my own life and won't try to live vicariously through theirs, whilst still letting me know I am there for them.

Failing that, I'll try asking them.

@PutTheBassInYourWalk Does your MIL also want access to all your bank accounts? Mine does...

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Precisely.

I'm sorry to hear about the op's mother in law, but as someone else has said, people's posts on here have helped me to put my own relationship with my mother in law into perspective.

Before we had a child I let things slide as the relationship is more important, but I've definitely become an intolerant b*c since having a baby (hormones...??!!) and I've snapped at her a few times over small things.

I've decided that the problem is at least half mine, and I just need to tolerate whatever she does as she's really a lovely person with a heart of gold who can be fun to spend time with, (although she has absolutely no tact, our personalities clash, she treats my husband and I like children, and - horror of horrors - she waters down our washing up liquid without telling us!) and I want her to know her grandchildren.

She won't change, so I have to!

My father in law is a dream.

My minor annoyances aren't the same as other people's actual problems, but it usually (but not always - some people manage all on their own) takes two to maintain tensions.