AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

I had issues with my MIL at first, and I think that was a control thing. But things have improved.

But I do try and be mindful that DH has a MIL too, my DM. Who luckily he gets on with very well.

I do feel a lot of people on here forget that fact. They expect their DH to spend more time with his MIL than they do with their MIL. I bet there are as many DM’s who come into their DC’s homes and takeover as there are MILs who do, but that seems more acceptable. DM’s have more time with grandchildren etc.

Yes there are some horrendous MILs, just as there are other horrendous relatives. But where things aren’t too bad, just a few niggles, just remember your DH probably feels the same about your DM.

Am I correct in saying you are suggesting I am being controlling for wanting a harmonious relationship between MIL, DH and me @Catherine1987?

What you said is I want DH to have a good relationship with his mother, as though that is something that you can control or influence. Now you've said a harmonious relationship between the three of you. Presumably he's had a relationship with his mother for at least 30 odd years or whatever. That doesn't stop when he marries and become a relationship with the two of you as a single entity which you direct.

I'm sure there are extremely difficult MILs, in fact I had one - she cleared out and rearranged my wardrobe when I was in hospital having my 3rd child and genuinely couldn't understand why I wasn't thrilled and that's just one example.

However a lot of the MIL bashing on here is about conflict caused by the DIL taking a very controlling stance to 'my little family', and that includes the husband's relationship with his own family. Having said that I'm sure we hear the worst extremes on here and there are also a disproportionate number of posters who seem to struggle with navigating the ups and downs of life generally.

How on earth are you conjuring up these fanciful ideas @Catherine1987? On what planet does anyone believe want = get? “I want to win the lotto.” Dang. Didn’t work.

And on what planet is saying you want your husband to have a good relationship with his mother a trigger for vitriol? Have you actually read any of my posts? Seriously, if the worst example I could come up with of “extremely difficult MIL” behaviour was rearranging my wardrobe I would never have started this thread to begin with and would instead be enjoying a cup of tea with her.

I would imagine someone who labels her MIL “extremely difficult” on the basis of such an example of behaviour, combined with a seeming propensity to read between lines that don’t exist may well place themselves squarely in the category of the posters you so compassionately state “seem to struggle with navigating the ups and downs of life generally”.

Adult child ownership issues shining through there Catherine. Why would anyone NOT want someone to have good relationships?

@Catherine1987 I think you KNOW that this isn't about people wanting to control their DH's and their "little families" and that people aren't talking about trivial things like rearranging the contents of wardrobes.

Lucky for you that that's the extent of your MIL woes. I don't think I'd have even noticed if MIL rearranged my wardrobe after I had my DS however I did notice her incessant bullying and toxic behavior which even shocked members of her own immediate family.

Do us a favor and don't come on here belittling our situations. There's women on here who have ended up with PND due to the affect their MIL's behavior has had on them and this might be their only outlet for some support and reassurance.

Some of us would only love a MIL like yours - my wardrobe is a pigsty at the minute, send her over!

@snuggles I wrote something upthread on p6 very early the other morning, about it. I'll try and find it and post it again for you, to see if any of it resonates. Bear with ...

@nuggles, here it is

Why is she [MiL] such a toxic person? Ego. Protecting her ego. She'll see her world burn around her rather that risk any damage to her sense of self. Funnilly enough, my own mother is just the same, clopping around in her self-importance because she's got fuck all useful to do ... I've always felt sorry for my brothers' wives.

Spoilt by their parents, indulged as teenagers to avoid tantrums, enabled by partners, and often presenting a 'fun' veneer and physically attractive (MiL looks like Felicity Kendall, eg), they are pretty self-absorbed people.

I think is some instances its easier to blame the mil than look at your own behaviours.Im not saying some of the mils on this dont deserve the NC.But some of the Dils are not exactly innocent either.

There is a clash of personalities but im sure i have done stuff to annoy them.Same way one in particular has done something bad.

She brought her sister in to my home,when we where away and slagged it off.She cleaned my bathroom another day and threw out loads of stuff.

I let them go for harmony.But the next time i will have to say something.

I get on with my dils

As I said upthread, the MiL physically attacked DP's exW, dustarr (and lied about it). That's not the DiL's fault and to intimate otherwise or minimise that would be victim blaming.

@JerichoCrumbles i didnt mention you.I was talking generally.And its not victim blaming

Self absorbed hits the nail on the head.

DH calls his mum Hyacinth off Keeping up Appearances.

Must be tough to live with if your own DM is so narcissistic too. Feel for you. My mum died when I was a kid so I've no relatable experience - except for my In your face Mil.

Oh the joys! Let's every poster on this thread learns from their experiences with their own mil's and apply it in however many years

Sorry @JerichoCrumbles meant to tag in below post

And sometimes I think she feels like because we do things differently we're judging her.So there's an element of her trying to "defend" herself

This ^ is also true of my mil

I was young when we got together so never spoke up. It’s been a bad thing really, I think she would be better if she knew where the boundaries are.

Also my mil speaks to all women the same, laundry, cooking, shopping etc
I’m not interested in chatting about these topics but that doesn’t matter.
She probably thinks I’m faulty

There are definitely women who don't get on well with other women

My MIL is a nightmare. I've tried to be nice and thoughtful but I've had enough. She is constantly passive aggressive but will only say things when DP or anyone else is out of the room. I blocked her a few months ago and it's been so much better. She would call/text my phone rather than her son's. She would call on numerous occasions and then text us both if we missed her call. We'd get the "are you Ok? Haven't heard from you in ages. Has something happened? I'm really worried about you". This would be if we didn't respond within a few hours.

I've hardly seen her since I blocked her due to really hurtful comments. It didn't stop her turning up at our home on a weekday completely uninvited.
My sister was here at the weekend and managed to witness her constant digs. She never worked as DP grew up and is so controlling over both her DC. She wants to know every single detail. Consistently puts me down. Has insinuated that I've cheated. Questioned my need for more than a level two qualification as that's all her daughter has.

Hmm. Vitriol?

The OP was framed as though looking for considered replies. Clearly not intended, and just another bashing thread.

Also bollocks that you wouldn't be bothered about MIL clearing out your wardrobe, there are threads on here complaining about them going upstairs!

@Catherine1987 and none of threads are from me doll!

Like I've said, the majority and I are talking about more serious stuff than a little wardrobe clear out. We're talking mental and emotional abuse which, despite what you think, is not ok or easy to deal with and can very damaging.

Just thank your lucky stars that you have a decent MIL and stop making assumptions about people on here

@Whoops75 this is so like mine as well. Because her live revolved entirely around her husband and son, all she talks about is cleaning, how tough it is to cook something everyone likes etc. I just can't relate to this and equally she has no idea of what it's like having a job, actually having to leave the house at a certain time dressed in a certain way. And then still having to deal with cooking, cleaning and general life admin etc but fit it around work (although of course those things are shared with DH).

And yes I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm not good enough because I choose to work rather than devout my every waking minute to the men in my life.

My MIL has such issues with her immediate family that FIL isn't allowed to travel abroad without her with DP. She used to go to job interviews with her daughter even though her daughter was well in her 20's. She has an excuse not to do most things. Will put us off travelling anywhere. Her GC also have psychological problems (one is obsessed with death, hardly a surprise when MIL goes on about dead pets constantly). SIL's dog also "separation anxiety".

With us, it is simply different expectations. MIL’s family has always behaved one way, and mine another (the complete opposite). MIL expects me to behave a certain way, one which I have never been briefed on nor experienced, and takes great offence when I do not perform as anticipated.

My in-laws simply assume I don’t like them because I don’t behave (i.e live in each other’s pockets) like they do. Due to their outbursts at me, not to mention ripping into my personality in front of my three year old when I wasn’t there, I actually don’t like them now. I do everything I can to avoid them.

In addition, DH hasn’t pulled away from them and I get the blame for this too, when I don’t even know of his reasons for doing so.

With MILs as grandparents I honestly wonder if its because some are almost competing with their peers over their contact with DGC. A kind of "Sharon over the road has had her DGC for overnights since they were 6 weeks old but DIL insists on EBF so I can't have mine the selfish cow,"
All very Keeping up Appearances- Mrs Bucket!
This^

But more than just the GCs. It's about boasting about everything. How many people were at our wedding, us trying to keep numbers down, them trying to add numbers "thought you wanted a BIG wedding". I'm married over 10 years and there was people who I've never seen or heard from since at our wedding, not even at SILs or BILs weddings.
I had all the anti BFing campaigns thrown at me. They want to be Disney GPs to our kids when it suits them, "can we collect them midday from holiday care". But won't commit to taking them all day or in advance of me booking childcare. Being fair they do help out in emergency situations but only if SIL doesn't need them first. There's a very sad pecking order for the GCs, SILs, Mine, then BILs.
They used to invite us to dinner, week or two in advance then in the morning call "(somethings) broken can you bring your tools". The drove me insane. I'd be stuck doing small talk with Mil and he'd be off with Fil. DH eventually put a stop to the majority of it. He was working long hours mid week didn't want to be odd jobing at the weekend.
Lots of other small things but generally I tolerate my ILs but they aren't people who I'd ever choose to be friends with.

With MILs as grandparents I honestly wonder if its because some are almost competing with their peers over their contact with DGC.

I'm not sure, but I've read a trend on Mumsnet and elsewhere of very inattentive grandparents posting pictures all over Facebook and declaring how much they adore their beautiful DGC (whom they rarely see). I think, for some, the idea of being a grandparent is more appealing than actually spending time with the DGC.

As far as competition is concerned, there seems to be a huge amount of angst surrounding the amount of time the paternal DGPs spend with the children as opposed to the maternal ones (it's usually this way round, but isw sometimes vice-versa). And to turn this around, the same is true of DiLs complaining about the amount of time PsIL spend with their own daughters' children as opposed to theirs.

IMO this is just the natural order of things and life would be much happier if we accepted, within reason, the relationship on the terms on which it's offered. I for one take this as compensation for keeping a MiL with a propensity to cause trouble at a comfortable distance. You can't compare DiL/MiL to mother/daughter; it simply isn't the same relationship.

In these situations competition really is the thief of joy.

In some dysfunctional families appearances are very important. I find the (divorced) ILs are obsessed with photos (especially with them at the very center) even though they don’t actually make an effort to know the children at all and definitely don’t ever do any childcare. The wonders that are Facebook and Instagram can now give all the appearance of a close knit family but the reality can be polar opposite.

Catherine, the issues come because the Mil will not respect that there is another branch off family unit.

When Mil doesn't recognise this, then dil has to protect family unit. This is when marriage breakdown occurs, when you get to this extreme of having to protect the unit. If dh won't, usually end of the line.

Relate, the relationship counsellors will advise any couple being invaded by bossy competitive Mil trying to control them to set boundary up.

Jericho that would suit my Mil too.
The fun veneer falls away pretty quickly though whilst we descend into chat about cleaning and what she does.

I've never know a person do so little but expect so much praise for it.