AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

I disagree on one strike..
I see threads with women who have been pushed for years and then the straw that break the camels back and they bring that issue here.

It's patronising and rude to assume the posters on mn don't understand that mils are infallible and human.

Many of us have brothers and have mothers and have seen our own mothers do everything to make sure db wives and partners and gf are welcomed into family. Our own mothers have mils and we have witnessed that interaction too.

Or maybe our sisters have mils. And so on and so on.

As pp says this thread isn't about very slight issues. This is about the serious Mil issues.

And I should add my 2 MILs have been lovely!

What they’re doing with those imbeciles I’ll never know.

I agree the one strike is usually the thing that broke the camels back. Also any action had to be looked at in the overall context of the relationship. There is a lot of gaslighting on this site directed at women complaining about MILs IMO.

@nuggles just limit your time with her as much as you can. If she wants to see your DC, and if feasible, have your DH bring them to see her for an hour here and there while you stay at home and have some you time. That's what I've started doing. I let DH worry about it and I take myself out of the equation as much as possible as she can ruin my entire day with just one comment so I just avoid. And it's actually a win-win as she gets to play the mother role and be in charge without me being there and I get some time to myself.

I am also expecting DC2 and I'm adamant that things will be different this time and she will kept away from me as much as possible for my own mental well being. I'd never stop her from seeing DC but given that she has no love or respect for me, I will be staying away from her where possible.

@SnuggyBuggy yes! All my in laws have tried to get MIL to get a hobby, she just says she doesn't have time. Gets up at 4am (the time she is used to as a parent) and spends the whole day cooking and cleaning, thinking about what people might have done to offend her until bed at 11! FIL says she always spends hours and makes enough food for everyone as she is 'used to it', her oldest son is 50! How can she not adjust her body clock or stop cooking for someone who left home 30 years ago! She has cut off best friends, her only family on her side and me as she has so much time to think how people have slighted her. I had the same when I was on maternity, my husband had to tell me I was reading into things as I was sat on my bum all day throwing up and reading Facebook posts seeing they were about me when they obviously weren't and I just had nothing else to occupy my mind! So easily done when you have nothing better to do.

@Knittedjimmychoos Well put. And to add to your post, it really isn’t helpful being gaslit by posters when our MILs have done so much damage gaslighting DILs like me and their own sons over the years.

“As pp says this thread isn't about very slight issues. This is about the serious Mil issues.”

I apologise and withdraw. I thought it was about difficult Mil relationships. Not about the awful extremes.

I think a lot of issues are the people who surround the MIL

I think this is very true. And actually, not just for MILs but for all of us. And it's why when we get together with someone, our behaviours start to change because things that might seem normal in our original family are considered batshit crazy by the new OP and in time, some kind of compromise is reached.

I thought my mum was a pretty good MIL although I'm not 100% certain my SILs would agree. Her main problem was just that she was ridiculously gushy and over the top and her actual children aren't like that, so you can imagine how that went down with her various children-in-law. However, the rest of us, and my Dad, made a real effort to reign her in so that she couldn't get all huffy and ridiculous when the gushiness wasn't returned. And I think that was important.

Certainly, with my MIL, she's okay but I think a huge factor is that DH has always been supportive of me. And certainly, from the first day she visited after DS was born, he made it clear that I was in charge, not her. And I think that third party involvement made a massive difference.

But like Bertrand, I do think that while there are clearly some absolutely horrendous MILs out there, many are just normal flawed people and that a bit of kindness would go a long way.

My brother's MIL is a nightmare. She's rude, controlling and a bully. She bullies her own dd and keeps her meek and passive. It's affecting my brother's relationship in many ways as he also has a dw problem because she's in the FOG cycle.

His current solution is to isolate himself from everyone, including MIL and our family too. Just to stop arguments arising.

The MIL sees herself as Queen Bee and has a dominating personality. Everything is about her and hers. When she's fallen out with her own family she's been nasty as fuck. Worse when she's argued with J or ours.

I've heard quite a few women say their son is unrecognisable from the man they knew and raised

But is that always accurate? My aunt would say the same about her eldest yet my cousins (his siblings) and mine would all disagree. He was always selfish and self absorbed, it's just now he has even less time and they have someone to blame...

My intentions certainly weren't to gaslight anyone and I'm sorry if that's how I came across.

The point I was trying to make was that so many do moan about trivial non issues with their in laws and appear to have a one strike policy, it's hard to tell how difficult their MIL actually is and generally I personally think "they're probably not that bad".

Which isn't helpful for those who actually do have psychopath MILs that are ruining their lives. So I will try to be more understanding in future.

I do completely sympathise with those truly awful MILs who break marriages and see their DILs as some kind of threat. As to why they do it, I'm stumped.

There are sone awful MILs on this thread the one that tried to take a newborn...fuck! She wouldn't be getting near that baby if i were the parent.

My mil is just a horrible person, her family have never pulled her up on her bad behaviour, preferring to let her get her way rather than there to be conflict.
She has fell out with all of them over the years.
She told me he didn't like me the first time we met. There's no excuse for that it's just bad manners.
What I never understood was she wasn't close to DH but had this fantasy in her head that they had this great relationship.
I had my own flat when I met Dh and she used to try to barge her way in so she could basically just boss me around.
DH said I was the first person her ever saw answer her back apart from her own Mil.
She let herself into the flat when me and DH were on honeymoon and totally rearranged it. I mean everything. All cupboards, furniture, ornaments, pictures. Went through my paperwork and threw away anything that didn't have DHs name on it, including everything to do with my flat.
Got rid of my collection of records that were worth a bit of money because she "couldn't find a place to put them".
We both went mad at her and she laughed.
I never stopped her having a relationship with with the DDs but it was always with DH there. I never bothered with her.
DD1 wised up to her at an early age and didn't want to see her.
DD2 took a while longer, she loved her because mil played with her. But then she made the mistake of trying to be subtle while insulting me in front of DD who picked up on it, and that was it with her.
The DDs are 17 and 21 now and haven't had anything to do with her for years of their own accord.
DH stopped talking to her a couple of years ago.
Fil was also a git, they divorced years ago and he stopped seeing us a few years ago, the DDs are his only grandchildren. We still don't know the reason why.

For the people who are mothers of sons - how are you going to make sure that you are not the dreadful mil stereotype?

Im the mother of sons,i have 2 dils.I dont interfere,i dont expect my dils to remember stuff.

But sometimes i still get it wrong.Its just the way it is.I would never expect my sons to put me before their gf.

I understand im way down the pecking order,and thats fine.I think the problem with some mils is they dont see their sons as adults.And having their own lives.

But i would love to see some of the reverse,when mils are being given out about.I would love to hear their story.As im sure some Dils are not the angels they make out to be.

I’m lucky that my MIL was lovely. Her and DH had a very close relationship but it was on an adult level and although retired when we met, her & FIL were still busy with their own hobbies & social life. So no time to be over-invested in our lives.

Also, I remember her saying that she’d always hated being dragged to her GM house on Christmas Day (formal, best clothes, couldn’t play with toys etc), so she’d sworn that she wouldn’t guilt her children into spending every Christmas with her. A less generous personality might be ‘I had to do what was expected, now it’s my turn to call the shots’.

Sadly I can see a good friend has the potential to be a bad MIL. She has one son and lazy DH, she does 99% of cooking, cleaning & childcare despite working full-time. Her DS is a lovely boy, but I can see him being both babied & controlled as he gets older. Also her wider family are quite bat-shit, so poor future DIL probably doesn’t stand a chance!

Also people don't seem to realise that the drip drip effect of nasty comments, overstepping boundaries etc, eventually gets to a point where something, seemingly trivial to outsiders, is the straw that breaks the camels back.

Her main problem was just that she was ridiculously gushy and over the top

That is my one very slight gripe about my MIL. She is an absolutely lovely lady and I love her to bits but she’s very gushy. It’s just how she is though and I’ll take her any day over some of the lunatic MILs on here

What do think of MIL firstly keeping all of DBIL's clothes and toys from when he was a baby (32 years ago!!!) and now dressing my DS in them when he's at her house?

It creeps me out for some reason especially as there's no need as I always have a change of clothes in his changing bag and he hasn't had an accident or the likes. They also stink of damp and musk from being in the wardrobe for 30 odd years.

I think she likes to relive her time as a mother to a young son or pretend she has her own baby again. I have gotten used to her overbearing, nasty, undermining behavior but this particular thing just gives me the creeps a bit!

I also hate how phrases like "it takes a village to raise a child" get twisted with regards to this. I'm pretty sure when that phrase first came about it wasn't normal for a tiny baby to be taken from its breastfeeding mother before they were ready so MIL can have a sleepover playing mummy.

Also the idea that this early stage sets the tone for the relationship with DGC and if you don't have as much contact as Sharon over the road does you will be distant from them. It's bollocks, babies get older and if you don't behave like a needy twat during the baby stage the parents are more likely to let you do more as the child gets older and more independent.

Agree with @Cocolapew. My MIL never did anything majorly dreadful to me.
However 20 years of snide comments broke me, especially when they started being targeted at my parenting/my DD. So I stopped engaging with her.
It’s much harder to go to DH when she hasn’t done something specific.

nuggles get your DP onside. My DP's way of dealing with his toxic mother was to tell her that she was an arsehole. She sent the flying monkeys in but it's all far too late and he doesn't care.

She's done terrible things.

My mil is lovely but I find spending time with her very difficult for reasons completely opposite to previous posts. She is a very quiet, timid and meek woman who is so frightened of saying something wrong that she chooses not to speak much at all. We went out for lunch once and her chicken was completely raw when it arrived but she still refused to ask for a new one as she didn't want to make a fuss. I think she might have some form of anxiety but her parents were very much of the belief 'mental health doesn't exist' so I don't think she even realises. I wish she would be a bit more assertive. Even if it wasn't quite right I wouldn't mind because I know it's not coming from a nasty place (I don't think she would be capable). I would just love to get any form of conversation out of her!

My MIL is very controlling but not openly so. Not just to me she is like the matriarch and makes decisions on behalf of loads of family members. Some laugh about it, like how she chooses FILs clothes and tells him to get changed if he chooses his own. I am one of the only ones who challenges her so she says i am bossy (and very similar in temperament to her, allegedly, because we are the same star sign 🙄)

Most mums of sons struggle when a new woman comes into their sons life, even if they don't show it I bet. They feel threatened, all power has been lost.

.I had a husband for a few years. His mother kept a photo from our engagement party by her bed - of him and his sister. She walked out of my wedding because she couldn’t get a photo of the two of them done by the wedding photographer - paid for by my parents.

@barryfromclareisfit you just sound mean.Why not let her have the pcture.And the your parents bit says it all.

MIL here spent the first ten years of my relationship to DH whispering that I wasn't good enough, he could have done better and generally doing me down, trying to make sure she was always top of his priorities. She engineered coming on our honeymoon, she wanted to be present for the birth of the DC, she wanted to be lady of the house, pretty much. I'm the polar opposite of what she'd hoped for for DH, and I know my confidence and happiness often made her doubt me because she never saw me weak or vulnerable (which is how she believes women ought to be).

I let a lot go and picked my battles carefully, seeing how happy it made her to be such a big part of our family, and bit my tongue for a long time, longer than I would have with anyone else. My breaking point was when one of the DC was hurt by her and she lied, then tried to ensure the DC lied to me about what happened, then lied to her friends and family about what she'd done.

The DC see her once every few months, she has very little contact through me at all and she's been removed, quietly and calmly from our lives. As awful as she could be, I'd never have believed she could hurt her own GC, and for me there can never be a second chance. The GC know why we don't have her here, they know what she did was awful and I'm truthful about why our relationship is the way it is.

I am absolutely not anti-MILs. I know some wonderful ones, and am still very close to my Ex-MIL. I just think everyone has a breaking point and it doesn't need to be a huge, dramatic breaking point; the silent ones can be worse in a way because for the rest of my life that poor woman is nothing to me; no drama, no shouting, no fixing it. I feel sorry for women who devote so much of themselves to their DC that they end up being 'those' MILs who can't let go and would hope that when the time comes DH and I will love our DC enough to be the supportive, always-there-but-never-interfere Grandparents.