AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

Control in my case. I'm older than dh. Already had own house, good friends and children from previous marriage. She is very much in control of her family and couldn't bear to have to let that go with me as I wouldnt allow it. She fought back for a few years unfortunately spoiling special times like our wedding and first child but eventually settled and accepted that we are adults and can make our own decisions. We get on much better now.

The thing is, it’s not statistically possible for every single difficult mil/dil relationship to be entirely the fault of the mil!

Not every single one, but the dynamic is such that the MIL feels more destabilised by the DIL's presence in the family than vice-versa. Especially when DIL has DCs and then the role of "mother" is no longer exclusive.

“Not every single one, but the dynamic is such that the MIL feels more destabilised by the DIL's presence in the family than vice-versa.”

Really? I see a huge number of threads where dils are complaining about their partners having what seems like normal contact with their mothers - and which would certainly be considered perfectly normal contact between a woman and her mother.

Of course some people are utterly vile-there are examples of behaviour on this thread that are deeply, deeply shocking. But most people aren’t vile- they are just fallible human beings. It just seems that no slack is ever cut for mils. It’s one strike and they are out.

I agree I think the wifework issue is a big one if you have a MIL who thinks DIL should be remembering birthdays and making plans on behalf of DS and DIL doesn't. I guess there have been a lot of shifts in what's normal between different generations. A MIL who had to be very respectful and deferential to her MIL may not like a DIL who doesn't behave the same way towards her.

With MILs as grandparents I honestly wonder if its because some are almost competing with their peers over their contact with DGC. A kind of "Sharon over the road has had her DGC for overnights since they were 6 weeks old but DIL insists on EBF so I can't have mine the selfish cow,"

@SnuggyBuggy Your example also explains why so many difficult MILs (including mine) seem to have a problem with their DILs breastfeeding.

Unfortunately my MIL died before DP and I were together, but both my SILs speak fondly of her.

This thread made me me think about my ex-MILs - I’ve had 3 previous serious partners, if we’d lasted I actually think they would have been good MILs, my early 20s boyfriends DM would have been a tad bonkers, but we always got on, and would slightly wind up my boyfriend at the time, the other one was nice, but quiet, the last one was sweet, I miss her Welsh cakes

I fact what unites them all is that they were all bright women who lacked careers, probably were written off academically at teenager years, got married and had children young. Actually they all had boys. Luckily none were nasty, just wanted someone to make their sons happy. I can see how it would have gone the other way, especially if they were bored at home in later life be and exercised control over their children more.

booster fair enough. But I think a good number of women actually do see the red flags re what their prospective MIL is like and they go ahead with marriage anyway, without aiming to nip certain things in the bud. A mother obsessed with her son and his life can't hide her ways totally. The things we do for love and all that but don't admit, I suppose.

I read stories on here that make me think I'd be drier than the Sahara not to mention have zero respect and attraction for a man in thrall to mummy, letting her cause arguments and disruption in our relationship. But as said earlier maybe mummy's boys are attractive and I'm missing something

I think it’s also important to remember that mils are also parents- and like most of us would automatically take their child’s side in any dispute. I’ve not yet been in mil territory but I have seen my dd in a couple of horrible relationships and certainly did not remain neutral when talking to her about them!

Yes, @BertrandRussell, but we aren't talking about those MILs here. That is a separate issue altogether and can be addressed in a different thread. We are talking about the MILs who are seriously disrespectful or dangerous. And there do seem to be quite a number of them described on MN who share these deeply disrespectful/dangerous qualities which is why I was interested in theories pertaining to them, not just MILs with annoying quirks.

I think most DILs (myself included) really want to have a good relationship with their MILs and want their husbands to have a good relationship with their mothers too, yet it becomes impossible because the MIL makes it so and there doesn't seem to be anything that can be done about it. A shame all around.

Really? I see a huge number of threads where dils are complaining about their partners having what seems like normal contact with their mothers - and which would certainly be considered perfectly normal contact between a woman and her mother.

My opinion on the subject of MIL/DIL conflict isn't based on MN threads but I can't say I've seen a lot of those threads personally.

My MIL is constantly critical of me but was almost obsessed with SIL's ex partner. Texting him how much she loved him while saying nice things to me only through clenched teeth. DH says MIL has hated every woman he has introduced her to. So in my case I'm going to say it's not about me being a difficult DIL but rather that I as a woman/wife/mother threaten her in a way that her daughter's male partners do not.

@edgeofheaven yep. You hit on the head there re the role of the mother not being exclusive anymore.

With MILs as grandparents I honestly wonder if its because some are almost competing with their peers over their contact with DGC. A kind of "Sharon over the road has had her DGC for overnights since they were 6 weeks old but DIL insists on EBF so I can't have mine the selfish cow"

Definitely both DM and MIL have done irritating things that I've linked back to competitive gran-ing with their friends.

My MIL is horrible. I don’t think she tries to compete with me-that’s weird and Freudian. She’s just a less than adequate person and she’s incapable of seeing any fault in my husband so she blames everything that he does ‘wrong’ on me.

@BogglesGoggles Don't underestimate how many MILs have Freudian tendencies. Mine certainly does. shudder

With MILs as grandparents I honestly wonder if its because some are almost competing with their peers over their contact with DGC. A kind of "Sharon over the road has had her DGC for overnights since they were 6 weeks old but DIL insists on EBF so I can't have mine the selfish cow"

This hits a little close to home for me as I love my MIL but a lot of our post-DD tensions can be put down to her expectations of grandmotherhood instilled by her neighbour ... She nor FIL were close to their parents so the only model for a close grandparent relationship is this neighbour's. The example above is LITERALLY one we had. 'Sharon has had Harry overnight since he was four weeks old' 'Sharon has Harry for two full days every week' which led to 'we barely see DGC' ... They see her twice a week which due to Sharon's example is not perceived as enough!

I think also a lot of people in general can focus on work or family and not have a lot of time for hobbies and interests. The result is a person facing an empty next or retirement with nothing to do with their time. I've seen this with my own late DGM who was a very difficult MIL. It can make them needy and have expectations of lots of time with family because it's all they have ever known. If their expectations don't fit will with the next generations for levels of contact then that's going to be difficult to negotiate.

@DeeCeeCherry yes in hindsight I did possibly ignore some red flags. Especially things like her never showing any interest in me or wanting to get to know me. I just thought she was unfriendly and stand-off ish and just assumed we'd eventually establish a relationship and just left it be. I really got to now her after we got married and when DS arrived and wish I'd seen that side sooner!

Back in early days I felt ILs were a bonus of sorts; if I get on with them, great. If I don't then it's no big deal as I have my own family and don't particularly need them.

Re the Mummy's boy thing....my DH isn't a typical Mummy's boy. He's aware of her ways and doesn't agree with her. Although my MIL has been undeniably horrible and he couldn't possibly say otherwise but he chooses his battles due to how she reacts to being pulled up on her behavior. He confronted her about how nasty she was to me after I had DS. She didn't take it well and was apparently sat at her kitchen table crying for a good 12 hours according to SIL but yet never took any of it on board. So it seems like he does pander to her at times but I know he doesn't agree with it and as he said himself, he can't be accountable for her actions and when I was particularly fragile after having DS he encouraged me to stand up for myself.

I'm totally with most of the posters on this thread. My MIL is a narcissistic controlling hot head and has caused many an argument between DH and I.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and at my wits end with mil interfering "oh you mustn't tell people you're pregnant it's bad luck, don't wear tight clothes which show off your bump", tells DS how bad a mummy I am etc etc.

My question is how do you all deal with them? I am at my wits end

I think a lot of issues are the people who surround the MIL. One time I remember alot but definitely not the worst- Infront of my husband, BIL and FIL my mother in-law asked when we were doing something, when I said she had told me not to book it she screamed I was a liar, started crying and turned her chair into a corner sobbing shouting 'its all her, she has a problem'. When she eventually left all three men admitted they remembered the conversation but didn't want to get involved.

Any normal family would have called MIL up on her weird behaviour especially as they knew she was wrong. But when a whole family (like DHs)has spent their life pandering to MIL every need then they let her treat DILs like crap. MIL doesn't know she's even in the wrong as FIL has admitted he doesn't tell her as he can't deal with the arguments.

My BIL once told her she was in the wrong for coming round when I was pregnant and screaming at me on the doorstep and she refused to eat for a week. If any of them just said in the beginning 'look at yourself mum you are embarrassing yourself, DIL hasn't done anything wrong', we might have a very different relationship!

I agree with everyone who said the problem is when MIL is too clingy and over invested in her son, so she sees the DIL as competition for his time and attention. It’s often triggered by her own relationship being unsatisfactory or non existent, or her life not being full enough.

My own MIL has only been a problem since DH’s father died. He had to move back in with her and it was my fault when he moved back out and wasn’t spending so much time with her any more. I genuinely think she saw me as some sort of OW. She has been truly horrible to me and it obviously hasn’t occurred to her that I’m the gatekeeper in terms of contact with DC. I’m the primary carer and DH works full time so I’m the one who’d be dropping in with DC... obviously I don’t because she’s not nice to me.

My previous bf had a lovely mother. She accepted me like a daughter and loved me instead of resenting me. She even took my side a few times when her son was mean to me. She had a very full life and a good marriage so I think that stopped her being overly reliant on her son.

Bertrand these are your standard lines on these threads, you accept that there are horrific mils out there but, there's always a but.. I get the impression these threads baffle you in some way and you cannot grasp what it's like.

You seem to want to make all the excuses under the sun for nasty behaviour that has and nealry has destroyed a marriage/,family.

On the other hand you are clearly lucky enough to have never experienced the wicked behaviour of an out of control Mil. Many of us on here have innocently walked into a vast spiders Web, become innocently entrenched in a family and just not realised what we have become embroiled in.

It's taken me about a decade to get clarity on it myself and I've been in it, had counselling, gone to relate with my husband.

I couldn't get my head round it either.

My dh was mentally very unwell when we met and became friends, as our friendship grew he became happier until we ended up in a relationship. I innocently thought we were all on the same side?

What's more important than your child's mental health right? Wouldn't any parent be relieved that they seemed stable and on an even keel?
But then little things happened, strange comments that didn't fit with us being on the same page, then actions until things snow balled into out and out jealously and hate.

Now you may trot out the usual 'oh but yours sounds bad'..
Any woman that comes on Mil threads has been emotionally and mentally scarred.

If you don't get it fine but I couldn't bring myself to wade into threads which are emotionally charged and highly sensitive and write off people's feelings when I knew in my heart I did not understand the nuances involved.

After all, this is a support site for mums, parents, women.

Yes it's a chat forum but that's the ethos of this site and I think sometimes it would behove one to think...

This person is in pain, am I going to write something supportive or am I going to swoop in and give my usual shallow gas lighting special.

It just seems that no slack is ever cut for mils. It’s one strike and they are out.

^^ this. Although there are definitely some batshit ones, on this thread alone there's several. But on the whole it does appear it's a one strike rule and people are looking for a fight.

My friend moans constantly about her MIL and the "offences" she's done are literally nothing! I find it hard not to say anything.

Her MIL allowed them to live in her second property for free, all they had to do was pay the utilities. And she complained because MIL expected them to pay the £150 for the washing machine repair.

She was "done" with her after that. Forgetting that they were living in a really nice house, nice area that would cost circa. £1,700 rent every month for FREE and the "bitch" MIL expected them to pay for the washing machine repair.

@purplepoops Again, we’re not talking about those MILs. See my reply to Bertrand.

I’m always surprised that FILs don’t get more stick because in my experience (again anecdotal and not scientific!), they are the tricky ones.

Agree. I’ve had 2 FILs, one was a creepy lecherous weirdo and one is an abusive, racist misogynistic arse.