AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

Some people are twats 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, @herculepoirot2, but this isn’t just your standard twattery. It’s targeted and brutal, with huge repercussions that also deeply affect the twat.

It’s still twattery.

I found my loopy MIL had made my husband a substitute husband (parentifying him). I believe I was some sort of "Other Woman" type figure, to her.

My own MIL is difficult but not a nightmare. At times she has been awful, having a strop and crying because DH would not spend all of my first mother’s day with her and being confused that DH would want to spend Christmas Day with his own child. There have been times when she is lovely. I think for her she was always a SAHM and had few interests outside of that and raised ‘mummy’s boys’ so she has struggled to see a role for herself outside of being The Mother. Added to that my DH and to a larger extent BIL and her own husband have always done everything her way so she struggled to come to terms with her children being adults with their own opinions and lives.

It really depends on your perspective. I think my mil is fine, a little annoying at times but aren't we all. My Sil hates her and sees everything that she does as a slight!! Honestly can't tell why. She can't do right for wrong by her.

The common trait I’ve observed is that it is women who are emotionally overinvested in their sons, in some cases due to lack of satisfaction in their own marriage/relationship.

Interesting question. I thought my MIL was a bit odd and controlling until I read threads on here and I realised she's actually lovely in comparison!

For the people who are mothers of sons - how are you going to make sure that you are not the dreadful mil stereotype?

I think sometimes it is because their sons went to them, relied on them, asked them advice - even on stupid stuff like - how do I cook an egg, how do I wash this..etc and then when they great a DW their DW becomes the one who answers the stupid questions and the mothers feel unwanted.

I think its bog standard jealousy. The MIL are used to being the "main woman" in their sons life and they struggle to cope with, what in their eyes, must look like being replaced.

My MIL isn't a nightmare but she does often say things that are just a little "off" and overstepping boundaries. My DP cannot post anything nice about us a couple without his mother commenting about why she wasn't invited, or sometimes just blatantly "Yes, but what about your mother?" Like the relationship he has with her and with me are somehow comparable!!

I’m always surprised that FILs don’t get more stick because in my experience (again anecdotal and not scientific!), they are the tricky ones. One friend has a FIL who is an intolerable lech; another’s is controlling and emotionally abusive. My MIL is lovely and my FIL causes more drama than anyone else in the family!

MIL threads make me wonder if we just have too high expectations of other women and too low of men.

I have a theory that this emotional over investment is worse in those who have children who never rebelled.
I have a close relationship with my parents but I don’t need to see them or speak to them every day or even every week. However teenage me pushed them away so I was not ‘babied’ anymore, and I was fiercely independent. After that stage we formed a friendship based on us all being adults as well as parent-child. For my husband he is so docile and placid that he has never stopped being ‘babied’ and even when he didn’t need it anymore let his mum carry on for an easy life. I sometimes feel like pointing out to her that her neediness is what pushes us away now. She is a lovely woman but so demanding with her thirty something year old sons and my own father called it ‘pathetic’. The dynamic has just never changed from when they were children until the point they got wives and suddenly they have their own lives and it’s all our fault!

Some mils are vile.Some dils are vile. Most are just people- a mixture of good and bad. But I do think there are mistakes both sides make. One is expecting anything more than a cordial relationship. Why should two women of different generations and with nothing in common except a bloke be anything more than that? A mil’s primary relationship is with her child and his/her children. They are the one with shared history. If they get on well with their child’s spouse then that’s a massive bonus, but it’s pretty unlikely. A cordial mild friendship is what to aim for. Chat and a cup of tea. You’re not mother and daughter.

There are probably many reasons.
A mother has known her son all his life. Many sons completely change when they have a girlfriend/wife whereas a daughter tends to still stay close to her mum. Perhaps the mother thinks the wife has had a detrimental image on the son she knew?
I've heard quite a few women say their son is unrecognisable from the man they knew and raised.
My ex mother in law was lovely to her two daughters husbands but not so nice to me.

It's jealousy.
She feels redundant and the happier her DS is with you, the more she feels you have 'won' and are taking him away and offering him more than what she can.
She sees you doing things differently to her and she thinks you are mocking her ways and that you think you are better than her and it makes her defensive.
All boils down to the fact that she is jealous and losing control.

I married late, first marriage for both of us. I had seen some terrible MIL/DIL relationships via friends/work colleagues, so at 41 I was determined mine would be different.

15 years and 2 kids later - its exactly what I tried to avoid. She is rude, sarcastic and talks over me in her own language. Everything I do is wrong, food is too spicy, bland or not enough salt, flowers bought were too fragrant, birthday/Christmas gifts - cups were too small, necklace too difficult to do up, jumper too big (said 4 months after she had opened so too late to exchange). Scarf the wrong colour despite claiming it was her favourite colour, expensive chocolates tasted funny. For mothers day I said get her a garden centre voucher - face of thunder when she opened it and then said 'so I am too old to spend time choosing a gift for'.

I think she blames me for her sons lack of interest. I must be keeping him away - yet I am the one saying 'Have you checked on your mum?' 'Does you mum need anything'. I have taken a step back now, I rarely visit but encourage DH and the kids to go. But it seems I am dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.

My DH said she doesn't like women. My SIL says she has never liked any of DH's girlfriends. I know DH finds her bitternes and bile draining. Funny thing is one of her colleagues has become a neighbour and is unwell, so I have popped over with a cake. There is only a couple of years difference between neighbour and MIL but the neighbour is warm, caring and gossipy in a fun way. Apparently, my MIL has found out and is not happy, she has said 'I don't know what they see in each other'.

Its such a waste of energy.

@PicsInRed shudder Mine is like this too. Only sometimes she behaves like the child and my DH the dad. But mostly she behaves like his wife. She even flirts with him. shudder

@Limensoda Agree, but in both of my cases of bad MILs the sons became better people after they got together with me. I don't want to sound like an arsehole, but both sons settled down and either minimised or stopped risky behaviour/vices and (initially) spent MORE time and made more of an effort with their mothers (because I would suggest it).

She also can't stand another woman 'knowing' him more than she does.
She will always think she knows him best.

Some people just have really strong personalities.

My Mil was a strong personality, but so have I, as did her own MIL and SI1, so as a consequence she didnt have good relationships with her own MIL, or SIL1, but SIL2, SIL3 were much weaker characters, SIL4 was very easy going and I just kept her in her place, if she over stepped boundaries, I withdrew for a couple of weeks until she accepted I would have my own way in my own marriage.. (FIL and DH, very much strong but quiet characters)

I do think it comes down to an 'alpha' thing, my MIL was the only girl and she had a tremendous relationship with her own mother, and as a result when GMIL died, MIL carried on bringing up her younger male siblings for some years. I think thats where bounderies got blured, she became defacto mother to her brothers.

She wasnta bad woman, she had some odd ideas (by todays standards) and she was very much a matriarchal figure - if you let her be. I didnt

You have had a lot of MIL's OP?

@KC225 I think she blames me for her sons lack of interest. I must be keeping him away - yet I am the one saying 'Have you checked on your mum?' 'Does you mum need anything'. I have taken a step back now, I rarely visit but encourage DH and the kids to go. But it seems I am dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.

This in spades. And this is another thing I find completely bizarre. You and I are (were) the ones making the effort to get son and mother together. We are the ones who remember the birthdays and send cards. We are the ones who think to send our kids' drawings to them. Left to his own devices my DH is hopeless on those things so without me pushing he wouldn't make the effort off his own back despite being a total mama's boy. Yet you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, as you say.

So to protect yourself from the endless attacks you have to step back, which means your DH and kids end up doing so too, even if you encourage them. It's a lose-lose. Surely they can see that? Is pride really that powerful that it stops them from dropping the competitiveness and getting real?

her neediness is what pushes us away now

I think this is a really common factor in many AIBUs.

Most things are quite reasonable if the people involved are reasonable. But take someone who takes a yard for every inch, who demands huge amounts of time and scheduling, or who have some ideal of grannyhood in their head they expect their children to supply them with, and you get the nightmares.

The 'what will you do if your own son decides to be like you' posts always spectacularly miss the mark, because they presuppose that every woman/parent will automatically be as needy and desperate for high-level contact as the MILs being complained of.

(my own MIL slightly desperately tries to schedule us and rope us in to every damn thing, whereas my parents have a lot more of a relaxed schedule even though we live 150 miles away)

TheNanny23

That is so definitely the case with my mil.
She was/is quite controlling and her husband and two boys never stood up to her.

@Crunchymum I'm in my 40s. I married late. Before that I had a few serious LT de facto relationships. Is that strange?

I agree with the poster who said that fil's are likely worse than mil's but we hold women to a higher standard.

My fil was not a good Dad to my dh so I have no respect for him. I actively dislike my sister's fil. Both men are horribly selfish.

I have three theories. Firstly they just like having someone to hate. Secondly they think they look better if they make someone else look bad. Thirdly, they are worried you will do a better job than they did, ie younger women probably mix a job with bringing up kids, whereas they probably just stayed home, which makes them look bad.