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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

276 replies

pussincahoots · 15/07/2019 15:19

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

OP posts:
Windygate · 15/07/2019 20:20

My MIL is a lovely woman, she was a very young widow so I never met FIL. DH's MIL is a complete nightmare.

WhyWouldYouLieAboutThat · 15/07/2019 20:20

I think its bog standard jealousy. The MIL are used to being the "main woman" in their sons life and they struggle to cope with, what in their eyes, must look like being replaced
^^this

NoSauce · 15/07/2019 20:21

Most mums of sons struggle when a new woman comes into their sons life, even if they don't show it I bet. They feel threatened, all power has been lost

Where are you getting this information from? A wild stab in the dark or concrete facts?
Some DILs will feel threatened by the relationship her husband has with his mother and I think this is where the conflict arises. A mother is still allowed the close relationship she has with her son even when he’s married, just like the woman does with her own mother. There doesn’t have to be any jealousy or bitterness, understanding and patience from both women would go a long way to making sure their relationship is a good one.

Dandelion1993 · 15/07/2019 20:26

My Mil isn't a nightmare, just a pain in the arse.

If it isn't done her way then it's wrong and she'll winge and moan until she gets her way.

She does like my parenting and has always undermined me. Sil had her first 7 months ago and she dropped my kids quicker than anything as she can do what she likes with him.

The key I think when you don't get on with Mil is to just keep a distance.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 15/07/2019 20:28

This is a really interesting thread.

Many of the irritating issues we have with our mils are actually pretty similar. Over stepping boundaries, making unrealistic demands, being snippy if they don't get what they want.

I agree l think it is jealousy in part. But I wonder if there is fear that they are losing their son, they won't be needed anymore, so they have to push their way in and make a nuisance of themselves. I certainly got the impression my mil and sil thought l had taken him away. And of course, it's my fault she doesn't see him. I guess it's easier for them to blame us than the reality of him not needing them anymore. But like others l'm the one pushing him and reminding him. But she doesn't want to admit that.

WhyWouldYouLieAboutThat · 15/07/2019 20:34

I think some parents believe their children are their property to control and have trouble letting go of the codependency this sounds like my mil

Titsywoo · 15/07/2019 20:35

I get on really well with my MIL but my SIL does not. The problem really is DBIL. He is a selfish lazy git and now he's married he spends all his time with his wifes family and basically ignores MIL. She takes that out on SIL which is unfair but to be fair SIL is pretty annoying and her mother is a fucking nightmare. I can see both sides and I do feel sorry for MIL but she is focusing her sadness on the wrong person IMO.

PerfectPeony2 · 15/07/2019 20:43

I’ve stopped inviting mine over as after we had DD it was all ‘ her feet are cold, why is she sleeping on her front (at 9 months!). Taking the baby from me. Judgements over baby led weaning and she is just generally very closed minded- a total drain to be around. I put my foot down and I don’t think she liked that she wasn’t the one making the decisions.

We’ve never had anything in common so after a while I just gave up.

I do think as a grandparent (and especially a MIL as it’s a different relationship dynamic). You shouldn’t give advice unless it’s asked for.

LadyRannaldini · 15/07/2019 20:44

If I never contacted my MIL, DH just wouldn’t do it

Oh yes, this! Even sitting in the same room I would have to say to him You're Mother's speaking to you, he's not a 'small talk' person.
I would like some husbands/partners to come on here and comment on their MILs, I suspect there would be as many bad ones. Les Dawson couldn't have been so wide of the mark.

boosterrooster · 15/07/2019 20:47

The rebellion theory is bang on. I know a few other nightmare MILs and their DS never rebelled or really secures their own independence.

Narcissism is thrown out there a lot too and is relevant. In my case anyway. I can honestly, genuinely say that I have tried, in many ways to have a good relationship and get to know my MIL but she just isn't interested. MIL sees her DC and DGC as an extension of herself. Her little trophies. She literally cannot see or appreciate anyone else outside of her own family. Her nephew became a doctor and she just couldn't be happy for him or his parents. Made snide remarks about it taking him 10 years to qualify. If I mention that DS has been cranky or naughty she gets visibly angry, she takes it personally and can't hear even the slightest negative thing about "one of hers" DS is 18 months and can be a demon when he wants to be. So there's just no room for the likes of me, a DIL. I'm totally irrelevant and treated as some second rate nuisance.

There's been too many insults and horrible remarks to mention. And a lot was said after I had DS which I'll never forgive however I feel I "get" her and think it must all stem from some deep rooted insecurities that she has

MrsBB1982 · 15/07/2019 20:50

I think my MIL don’t stem from her loving her son and feeling ousted. DH been having therapy for depression and a lot stems from a sad childhood. What I call ‘tick box parenting’ - they clothed him, fed him, took him on holidays etc. But he hand on heart never remembers them hugging him or telling him they loved him once.

Everything is about her. He’s always done exactly as she asked. Always sided with her. Including not telling me when, two weeks before our wedding told him not to marry me. He obviously ignored that!

That was until we had DS and found out he was autistic. Giving all the details would derail the thread but the overall theme was ‘he’s naughty and we need to parent him better’. But they’re very happy to have our neurotypical DD.

We’ve said they come as a package. They can’t choose to have the the ‘normal’ grandchild but not the disabled one.

To be fair - I can’t blame just MIL. FIL is no angel but he’s just so self absorbed that he couldn’t care less rather than being out-and-out nasty. He’s not the one who called me a heartless bitch....

Inde95 · 15/07/2019 21:04

@WhyWouldYouLieAboutThat This is the reason I now have an exMIL. She was obsessed with my DD when she was born. She went as far as to wish cancer on herself in order for us to relent and allow her to take DD alone at 3 months old

WhyWouldYouLieAboutThat · 15/07/2019 21:14

@Inde95 that's batshit crazy, your exMil makes mine seem a bit better

StreetwiseHercules · 15/07/2019 21:30

“The problem really is DBIL. He is a selfish lazy git and now he's married he spends all his time with his wifes family and basically ignores MIL. She takes that out on SIL which is unfair but to be fair SIL is pretty annoying and her mother is a fucking nightmare.”

Why does this mean he is a selfish lazy git?

When you are a new dad, probably working, you really don’t have a lot of time and certainly precious little energy to spend pleasing grown adults who think you owe them your attention.

People who have had their own children especially should understand and not take it as a personal sleight that you aren’t giving them what you used to. Things change!

It may be “hard” for the person who feels sleighted, but they need to just suck it up. It’s alright for them to cast judgement because they aren’t getting what they want. They aren’t the ones going through the throes of raising small children and making ends meet.

madeyemoodysmum · 15/07/2019 21:31

Good point streetwise

AnnaGJ · 15/07/2019 21:33

Completely agree. The same with our wedding - there's a lovely photo of my husband with his parents and sister which we have framed on our wall, along with another of me with my parents and sister.
It goes both ways. There may be more to it than this, but allowing small things like this goes a long way to forming a better relationship, and makes it somewhat easier to resist interference on more important matters without just coming across to the MIL as someone who dislikes her and always says no.

TwistofFate · 15/07/2019 21:36

I don't think my MIL is a bad person, she's just trying to get her needs met but unfortunately that often brings us into conflict because she expects DH to prioritize her above everyone and everything else.

I've openly been accused of stopping DH from seeing his family, which I've never done (and yes, I'm one of those wives who reminds DH to reply to his DM's messages or return her calls or get her something for her birthday/mother's day), but it's easier to blame the outsider than look at whether her expectations for how often he should see/contact them are realistic or even what he wants.

AnnaGJ · 15/07/2019 21:36

Sorry, ignore the above - I was agreeing with singing a couple of pages back without realising... :-/

6triesbuttingout · 15/07/2019 21:40

MIL here, if you and my son are happy together I’m gunna do everything I can to get along with you. We’re not all bad and its worked for me so far. Blessed with brilliant in laws

babyno5 · 15/07/2019 21:44

As a mother of 4 boys with the eldest engaged I take my hat off to any woman who'll take them in 😂😂. With their bad jokes, questionable smells and ferocious appetites!!
I will hopefully be one of the lovely MIL's 👍

coldwarenigma · 15/07/2019 21:52

I haven't read all the comments but in my experience a lousy DIL will later become the lousy MIL...

As for MN threads about MILs..when I read some of the interactions and comments on here you can tell there are a lot of future horrible MILs for future DILs to complain about.

purplepoops · 15/07/2019 21:59

I don't know I think it's a bit of an expected "thing" so some people who like the drama really over emphasise minor disagreements with their in laws and it can easily get out of hand.

In general conversation with work colleagues, when asking about weekend plans, I mention seeing the in laws and it's often met with "ohhh, poor you". It annoys me in all honesty!

I adore my MIL, she's been there for me through everything. I honestly love her to pieces. She considers me one of her "babies" and tells me on a regular basisGrin

Shamed to say it but I certainly don't feel that way about my own "D"M.

So maybe I appreciate her more in that sense?

Catherine1987 · 15/07/2019 22:01

I agree l think it is jealousy in part. But I wonder if there is fear that they are losing their son, they won't be needed anymore, so they have to push their way in and make a nuisance of themselves. I certainly got the impression my mil and sil thought l had taken him away. And of course, it's my fault she doesn't see him. I guess it's easier for them to blame us than the reality of him not needing them anymore. But like others l'm the one pushing him and reminding him. But she doesn't want to admit that.

Why do they think they are losing their son? Why is this different to a daughter marrying? Why would he see his mother less than a daughter would see hers? Were you trying to 'take him away' from his family? There is this element of him being expected to completely change his relationship with his mother when he marries which is simply not expected of a woman when she marries. It's expressed on here often, that it's completely natural for a woman to carry on being close to her mother, that the mother of a daughter will naturally be closer to the new family. But we all love our sons just as much as our daughters and hopefully forge equally strong relationships, so why? I do read some pretty extreme cases on here, but also it often seems like the DIL just wants to cut the MIL out and have total control, often for no more than just being different to her family, doing things in a different way. Two people marry and start a new family. Two different people from different families. It's monumentally selfish to exclude your husband's family from your life just because they're a bit different to yours and you can't be arsed to make an effort.

Catinthetwat · 15/07/2019 22:08

Some mils just aren't that nice. My mil isn't very nice to dh, but then can't believe that he doesn't call her.

When she visits, all she does is moan and complain. She disapproves of everything we do and is incapable of keeping it to herself. Boundaries.

Fil just sits there and ignores everyone and everything. What's the point in him?

We see them as little as we can get away with.

yesteaandawineplease · 15/07/2019 22:08

@pussincahoots
that story about your ex mil is completely bonkers. she's clearly insane and should have been arrested for kidnapping.