AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

Mine is a doll! 😂❤️

Do you think dils are ever jealous of their mils?

Yes.

From some of the threads I've read on here it seems that some dils expect their DH to not turn to or discuss things with the DMs and are jealous when their DH has talked to his DM about something before talking to his DW about it.
I think these kind of things are crazy and irrational as if they have a good relationship with their DM then they are obviously going to use them as a sounding board.

Yes- some of the language used about men who actually get in with their mothers is shocking. It’s perfectly usual and acceptable for a woman to say that she has a chat or exchanges texts with her mother every day. But a man doing that is a mummy’s boy, or needs to “cut the apron strings” or “needs to get his balls out of mummy’s handbag”

My ex mil was a dream,we were similar personalities and her Cork accent was a pleasure to hear.My now mil was hard to read for the first few years but we've found common ground since dh and I married,shes not perfect by any stretch but has improved in time.

I don’t like mine very much, but she’s a good mum and a great grandmother, so that’s all I need from her, really.

sillysmiles

You’re right of course. Her personality was so strong and he would never stand up to her, even though he agreed that her behaviour was awful. It was also partly tradition (Indian heritage). He grew up believing sons never go against their mothers and hat he just had to put up with it.

With my mother it was a self fulfilling prophecy. Lots of drip feeding over the years about how terrible it was to be a mother of only sons. Then when I got married it was “a daughter’s a daughter all of her life, a son’s a son till he takes a wife, boo boo poor me etc etc.”

When our son came along she became very, very difficult to deal with and we have been NC for a few years now. I have tried to make peace, but each time i’ve been screamed at, gaslighted, lied to and insulted.

I won’t put myself in that position again.

My wife and I honestly didn’t do a thing wrong. Included my parents in our lives and even moved to be close to them when we got married. But nothing was ever enough and there would be constant mind games, drama and picking at things.

Couldn’t tolerate it any more.

Oh god yes to the PP who points out that we are often the ones driving contact between lazy sons and their mothers! But for some reason they are unable to recognise or appreciate.

I live in terror of being a bad MIL in the future!

Oh god yes to the PP who points out that we are often the ones driving contact between lazy sons and their mothers! But for some reason they are unable to recognise or appreciate

I get that that must be frustrating but those of you with MILs that ring their sons and want to seem them are labelled controlling and not letting go of them. Surely MIL ringing and sorting out contact is better than the wife having to do it?

There have actually been threads where dils have complained about their mils ringing their dis every week.....

That’s what I mean. There doesn’t seem to be a happy medium in some instances. They don’t like having to prompt their husbands to see their mothers but then get annoyed when the mother rings her son.

It's just a simple clash of personalities and expectations about ongoing relationships between grown up children and their parents. All families are different. When two combine, sometimes everyone involved can make the necessary adjustments quite easily - in other families everyone can't.

I see countless threads on here "My pil aren't interested in our dc and never offer to babysit" vs "my pil are so demanding about access to their gc and demand we spend too much time with them".

The inlaw younger generation need to be gracious and accept that they aren't exactly what the PIL were hoping for either!

My dh has a completely different background to me, we couldn't be more polar opposite. His family and his upbringing of course are the main reason for that. So to me it seems a bit alien. We have had to learn to adjust.

Also I think people overlook the fact that everyone's family dynamics are different and when you are assimilated into the new family boundaries are not necessarily always the same as those of your family.

So for example I share more information about us and our marriage with my DF than my DH would naturally share with his own parents and think it's weird I do (he is still very close to his parents). I find his parents can be invasive as they (particularly MIL) will e.g. send links to houses they've found on Rightmove for us or research wedding venues or book a cranial osteopath for DD if I mention I'm going to. DH thinks this is normal, I think it's weird they'd spend their own time doing this (especially as it's often to assert their own opinion on the matter).

There are different normals in different families and it is very easy to misread something as malicious or 'obviously inappropriate' when actually it is appropriate in their family dynamic.

Whether the family dynamic is healthy or not is a completely different question

The MIL and DIL is a dynamic where the DH really cannot win.

If a DH is isn’t in contact with his mother enough for MIL or DIL’s liking, he’s “lazy”. Maybe he’s just living his life his way and doesn’t want or need such regular contact. Yet he’s expected to go against his own nature to suit what others prefer. Every time and for the rest of his life. If he doesn’t, he’s judged.

DH has too much contact and he’s a mummy’s boy, can’t cut the apron strings, panders to his mother too much, is a manchild etc etc. Again, he’s judged.

Men aren’t that complicated. Most just want peace and quiet and for people to get along. Where people don’t get along, they don’t want to be involved in the drama unless they really have to be.

In all the discussions of the MIL/DIL dynamic, hardly ever have I seen any mention of the impact on husbands. Speaking from personal experience, the stress it causes is horrendous and I say that as someone who has walked away from my mother because my wife was right and she and my kids are the most important thing.

I think we cross posted, but that exactly what I was trying to say DoraNora.

Also, I read every Mil and Dil (and Fil and Bil and more or less every relationships thread on here) dying to know what the other side would say.

DH's parents are both mean spirited. They're racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, opinionated and vulgar. They've been cruel to my DH over the years and I've heard the way they speak about people to their partners/parents/children as if to drive a wedge or open up a chasm!!

So, in my case, they hate me because they blame me for every decision DH has ever made that they didn't agree with... from going to uni, going on holidays abroad, accepting jobs in different parts of the UK and (the horror) overseas, buying an "expensive" house (it wasn't), the names we gave our children... I could go on all night... but all of these decisions are my doing.

I think mine destroyed her relationship with her son years before I knew him but it's eaiser to blame me than admit it is all her own doing. I tried so hard for the first five years to repair everything but we can do no right.

There’s an active thread at the moment that illustrates this very well- about a mil eating Hobnobs while babysitting. In my family of origin -and the way I like things to work now- I want family to treat my house the way they would treat theirs. The idea that a family member who fancies a biscuit wouldn’t have a look through the kitchen cupboards to find one while I was out is just alien to me. But the op in that thread is utterly outraged by the idea

Most mums of sons struggle when a new woman comes into their sons life, even if they don't show it I bet. They feel threatened, all power has been lost.

Why would a mother of a son struggle more with a new person coming into their child's life than the mother of a daughter? Children grow up and meet partners. I honestly don't see why this would be more difficult with a son than a daughter, in fact I don't see why it would be difficult at all given we want our children to live full and happy lives. What power? Why would a mother want power over an adult child of either sex? This issue with no longer being the most important woman in his life trope is pretty offensive actually.

Daughters tend to stay close to their mothers as adults, where as sons don't. Most sons have a partner nagging them in the background to go and see their mothers. Their mothers just don't realise this. why do daughters stay close and sons don't? Surely that depends on the specific relationship? I'm as close to my sons as my daughter and I enjoy the company of all them. They do not need nagging to contact me, they initiate contact as often as I do, however we do not live in each other's pockets.

If I never contacted my MIL, DH just wouldn’t do it. Same with everyone on his side of the family - and people get quite hurt in my experience if they feel a relationship is one-sided.

Of the boyfriends I've had, and with my friends too, the crazy mothers we noticed were all stay at home mums for the entirety of their sons childhood and beyond. We reasoned that it may be that without a child at home, if you have no work or hobbies you lose all sense of purpose and cling onto the child. I know that's definitely the case for my ex's mum. She was so desperate to be his mummy still, even though he was a grown man in the army!

My plan, as a mother of sons and not daughters

Really like all daughters in law. If I don't at first I will tell myself and everyone else that I do.
Support them fully in all decisions they make. They are my family now.
Praise how wonderful they are to others.
Follow their instructions with children.
Allow them free access to my kitchen and fully appreciate everything they do in there.
Let them advise me and take me shopping and do all the things I have missed out on as a mother of boys.

is there anything else or am I missing the mark? I am excited about having other women in my family and wouldn't want to be too overpowering.

@dawnofthedred we did indeed cross post, but I completely agree with you. A lot of situations could be helped if both parties stepped back a bit and thought a bit more charitably about the other.

This is not to deny at all that awful extreme MILs exist - my maternal grandmother was one and my mum would be even worse if she was in our lives! As pp have said, that's a completely different scenario.

Mostly competition for the top spot I think. It happens when dominant mothers don’t make space for the wife and when wives have unrealistic expectations about sharing (not sharing) their husband.

My difficult MIL became difficult during wedding planning and prep - disapproving of everything and was then just Uber critical after my DC1 was born. I don’t think I was easy either - I had PND and was very threatened by her. I think she just wanted me to let her in but I was quite determined to keep her out.

Things have become far less intense and I’ve been working on tolerating her, which has turned into almost enjoying their company. I still view my family of 4 as being a separate discreet unit and she views it as an incorporation of her family unit which causes some friction. Even before kids DH and I were enough for each other which I think was hard to her.

@secondaccount - you sound lovely! Maybe add "give good advice when it's asked for"?

I actually used to have a good relationship with my MIL. I had chemo not long after she did and when I finished she told me it was OK to still feel crap and down - that helped me SO much that I still remember her saying it 5 years on.