AIBU to ask for theories on difficult MILs?

[pussincahoots]

Sooo many threads about difficult MILs. And before anyone starts, I’m appreciative of the fact there are loads of difficult DILs out there too. But I’d like to focus on MILs here.

Most mothers of previous partners I’ve had have been lovely. We’ve not seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but clearly respected each other. And I’ve had two absolute shockers. Both shared the same traits. Both wanted to make a competitor out of me. Both undermined me. And neither treated me with respect, despite the fact I did them. Tried my guts out with both until I had to accept there was not going to be any resolution.

As a result they created tension for everyone. Instead of gaining a daughter they ended up alienating me and driving their own sons they were trying to hang onto further away, as well as their grandchildren. And for what? Unless I’m missing something there is only loss and no gain to be had by doing this. It could be win-win, but instead everyone loses. I truly do not get it.

People post about their MILs here every day, and often I don’t see the big deal. I wish my MIL was as tame as some described. But I have to say the overwhelming majority of MILs described on MN seem to share the same characteristics as the two shockers I’ve experienced. Sadly it seems I’m not alone.

If all their behaviour achieves is loss and upset, why do they do it?

Some mils are dependent. My mil refuses to have any outside interests. She then complains that she is lonely, despite us visiting Every Single Saturday and Sunday. When fil was alive he liked to help us decorate. She insisted on coming along uninvited and I got stuck with her all day. Sitting on my sofa and falling asleep. Often on my only day off

I have 4 sons 3 DIL's, they are lovely girls and my Ds's are extremely lucky to have them.
I had a horrendous MIL and learnt well how not to treat a DIL.

fwiw my own mother and mil are both a complete mystery to my me and my dh. one critical and a little overbearing, the other completely disinterested in us but sees one of their other children and gc daily. I don't understand why normal rules of social interaction and friendship don't apply in these relationships. if people invested more time simply being nice they'd get a lot further.

My MIL doesn’t like me really. I think there is some truth in what a pp posted, that she had a difficult marriage with an unpleasant man, and so DH had been her focus. She is really nice to Sils husband, but makes little snipey comments to me, usually appearance based.
I feel sad about it actually. I would love to have a MIL I could be close to.

I hope I'm like my mum when it comes to the MIL stakes. She very much felt she was gaining a daughter when my brother got married. They didn't initially see eye to eye but mum realised they were both very young and supported them. They now have a great relationship.

My MIL on the other hand didn't seem to think anyone would be good enough. Which is odd, because she doesn't even seem to like her son that much

Mine "joked" on my wedding day that DH was my something borrowed because he'd always be hers......

I definitely can get on with her, and do for lengths of time. But, she's overbearing, believes her parenting to be miles better than mine and generally doesn't understand that her son has a family outside of being their go to. He is the eldest of four, and is expected to drop everything for one of his brothers or parents if they need him, but I can honestly say that would never be returned.

My theory is that she has grown up in a house full of boys, only has brothers, only had sons and has one main female friend - who is totally downtrodden and overruled by MIL at all times.

I genuinely don't think she understands a dynamic of a female relationship. We are both very strong personality wise and neither of us are afraid to speak our minds. The difference is, if I'm upset I will try and resolve the issue, she will just put everyone on a major guilt trip until it all goes her way.

She has done so much for her sons that they are fairly dependent on her. DH was the only one who moved away for university and probably the only one who can fend for himself. But then she takes pride in the fact that she does laundry for her 30 year old as well as the younger ones, whereas my DH thinks it's humiliating to have his mum still do his laundry. The others still have her do their food shops, pay for car insurance etc.

She has broken up many of DH's brothers relationships due to her overbearing nature and the women can't handle her being in their business all the time, but the boys can't bear to be independent (or put their hands in their pockets). The reality is, she thinks she's doing great things for them but she's actually doing them a disservice.

Really like all daughters in law. If I don't at first I will tell myself and everyone else that I do.
Support them fully in all decisions they make. They are my family now.
Praise how wonderful they are to others.
Follow their instructions with children.
Allow them free access to my kitchen and fully appreciate everything they do in there.
Let them advise me and take me shopping and do all the things I have missed out on as a mother of boys

@secondaccount, you could be describing my lovely MIL whom for many years I have regarded as a dear dear friend. She also has a great sense of humour. She has 6 sons and her dils are all very different and she must take to some more than others but she act like she likes and loves each one of us, praises us as mothers, supports us, adores all her grandchildren (including step grandchildren) etc. She isn't perfect and she can drive me crazy but I would do anything for her. She also never regarded as losing a son - why would she? They love her and weren't going to ignore her. I never remind dh to call her but I do regularly call her myself for a chat.

I think there are various reasons the issues arise. Some people are just plain horrible - whether as in laws or bosses or sister etc. Some people struggle with boundaries (I could see my sister doing this with my nephew eventually - luckily her daughters will tell her to cop herself on), some people don't realise their children are actually adults, and some people just clash because there are different expectations. The hob nob thing Bertrand described is a bit like that - different strokes for different families (although on that thread I think there was a bit more than having a biscuit going on).

I plan on being exactly the MIL my own is (and she told me she based her behaviour on her own MIL who never interfered). I do wonder sometimes about handing over the reins when it comes to big family get togethers. I am the person in the family who generally hosts xmas/thanksgiving/big family dinners etc and I have got used to doing that over the years. But I'll watch it in myself and most likely I'll be glad not to have to put in the hours of planning/shopping anymore.

Oh no i mean he is a selfish lazy git anyway and was before he met his wife! And things like not buying your mum a mother's day card is just shitty imo. Or a birthday present. He manages to make an awful lot of time for his wife's family. Anyway I agree things change when you have kids but mils aren't always the bad guy. It's often a 2 way street it just depends who is telling the story!

Mine "joked" on my wedding day that DH was my something borrowed because he'd always be hers......

wow!!!

I have a hideously competitive MIL and this spilled into our relationship early on without me realising it. I don’t have a competitive bone in my body ...well apart from scrabble.
My theory is she turned everything I chose to do differently from her into 1) a competition 2) a personal slight.
We both married pilots - she insisted hers stop flying when she had her son (my DH). I totally embraced everything about life with a pilot and made traveling with babies and children an art form. I was so naive and missed her sabotaging everything I did.
I would have loved a good relationship with her but after 25 years I am finally done with her. She was hateful towards her first DIL (DH’s ex wife) and eroded her confidence and undermined everything she did. The flags were there and I missed them !
I think some people also need to try to bring others down to make themselves feel good.

Thanks for your posts Streetwise. I’ve often wondered how my DH feels about the situation we have with some members of his family, including his mother, and your words have offered a little insight. Of course, he may think completely differently but it’s still helpful to have another man’s opinion.

My DH doesn’t like to talk about it so I have no idea really!

I sometimes wonder if mil behaves the way she does with us, with other people. I think, she can't possibly.

But then I remember that she doesn't really have any friends and I think, ah, maybe she does.

I think it’s a personality/control issue.

I suspect my DM would still like to have control over my life. Even as a child I remember feeling that I would never be able to find my own way in the world whilst she was around.
I suspect she is a tricky MIL for my other half (her son IL). She has a different worldview to him (and a lot of other people!) and can come across as demeaning when they talk.

I think it’s a lack of control. It’s always been them to be the centre of attention. Mother’s Day, Christmas etc. now someone else (wife) is in the mix and that immediate family becomes more important. My MIL is a granny, tight arse, selfish woman. I tolerate her but she is so far from what I consider “normal” there’s no way we are ever going to be close. All in-laws can be challenging because they aren’t your own family. I have one great SIL and one SIL who is hard work. It’s a matter of perspective really.

You’re not mother and daughter

My DP's ExW didn't have a mother and was brought up in care. She wanted that relationship with MiL, who treated her like crap. MiL even hit her once at a family bbq - but the emotional games were crueller. MiL acts very lady-of-the-manor to others but I know the truth, which is the stuff of a Hollywood psychological thriller.

DP can't stand her (MiL) and she and I have no relationship. Her latest husband is an enabler de luxe.

Why is she such a toxic person? Ego. Protecting her ego. She'll see her world burn around her rather that risk any damage to her sense of self. Funnilly enough, my own mother is just the same, clopping around in her self-importance because she's got fuck all useful to do ... I've always felt sorry for my brothers' wives.

Spoilt by their parents, indulged as teenagers to avoid tantrums, enabled by partners, and often presenting a 'fun' veneer and physically attractive (MiL looks like Felicity Kendall, eg), they are pretty self-absorbed people.

I don't know my MIL because she left her 5 kids for a new man and moved to the other end of the country and changed her number, leaving FIL with 40k worth of debt in the 90s, to which he had to go bankrupt to carry on supporting the said kids of which 3 where biologically his and 2 were hers from a previous relationship.

I've heard some even more awful things about that woman to make me glad I don't know her.

Me and my dm aren't close, we never have been, she doesn't like me much because I'm not a 'mini-me but that's another story. She's also turned into one of the nutty conspiracy theorist types that things we're all being slowly killed by all the governments among other random things. I. e she found YouTube and hasn't looked back.

She's close to my brothers though and isn't an overbearing mil type which I appreciate

@StreetwiseHercules In all the discussions of the MIL/DIL dynamic, hardly ever have I seen any mention of the impact on husbands. Speaking from personal experience, the stress it causes is horrendous and I say that as someone who has walked away from my mother because my wife was right and she and my kids are the most important thing.

You're right, and I totally agree it must be hard on the DH. I'm really grateful for your insights because it's rare to see a man's perspective in these threads.

It's hard on me to stand up to my own difficult mother and put boundaries in place to prevent her from affecting my family too, so I am certain it must be harder still for my DH who comes from such a dysfunctional and enmeshed family. But the thing is, I DO stand up to my mother. I DO protect my family. I know what's important and it appears you do too. I find, as I'm sure you will have, that getting the boundaries up is the stressful part but once they're there life gets easier. Your psyche has taken an emotional step back from the toxic person and you can focus on your immediate family. You have a buffer and it can't affect you anywhere near as much as it did before.

I think there are plenty of DILs who are being unreasonable and that getting shitty at the MIL is silly. Someone else mentioned the DIL who was angry with her MIL for eating her biscuits. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at that. BUT, the MIL is also going through her paperwork. As mine has done in the past and probably still would if she could. That is totally unacceptable. As is, in my case, when she took off with my son despite explicit instructions not to. Puffing smoke in his newborn face repeatedly. Lying. Faking illnesses to get attention. Making unwanted alterations to my property etc etc. These aren't "a packet of biscuits". This isn't a mere clash of personalities or a difference of perspective. These are massively unacceptable actions my DH shouldn't have to think twice about calling her out on. And this is the type of MIL I refer to in this thread.

Your wife is a lucky lady you have her back. My marriage is on the brink because mine doesn't.

There are women who just don't like women.

Aside from that staying in a relationship where you can blatantly see your man's mum is going to be the third wheel in your relationship seems like madness to me but maybe I'm missing something and mummy's boys are appealing in some way.

@DeeCeeCherry if I had know how bad she is I would've ran for the hills. I do wish I'd seen it sooner

The thing is, it’s not statistically possible for every single difficult mil/dil relationship to be entirely the fault of the mil!

Particularly as lots of women are mils and dils at the same time....

Some people are just dicks. FIL, MIL, whatever, its often an unhealthy relationship that friends/family havent felt they could discuss (my MIL had made my DH into a replacement partner it was very weird and the whole family thought so but didnt feel they could say anything) or they are used to behaving however they like without being challenged. When something has become the norm for a family, if you enter and start questioning it you're going to end up clashing.
Men do get away with more bad behaviour I think.
I also think that there would be an awful lot less MIL/FIL/BIL/SIL complaints if people were able to call out dickish/pervy/rude behaviour in their own families, then maybe they would have to change their behaviour.

I am a mil (they're not married but together 6 years) and we get on like a house on fire.
But, I will never interfere, I have my key to their house but always knock, or if I need to drop stuff round once in a while, I will text them at work.
Me and dil go out for days together etc...
No grandchildren yet, and for that I cant wait, but again, I will only be there when needed and wont give advice until asked.
I expect it's easy to get too involved, but I would have hated a busy body mil, so I am determined not to be one.

@DeeCeeCherry if I had know how bad she is I would've ran for the hills. I do wish I'd seen it sooner

Ditto.

Prides of lions only have one alpha female, so do primate groups. Humans aren’t that different to be honest! Some people can’t stand any kind of perceived threat.