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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smoking (and commenting on strangers choices)?

236 replies

SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 14:46

I did a charity walk up Helvellyn at the weekend. I was standing with the group before we started and one of the group moved about 10 metres away and started smoking a cigarette. I don’t know him too well, he’s a friend of my friends husband, I know he plays rugby and is healthy looking. A woman walked past and shouted, in a very posh voice, “all this fresh air and you’re SMOKING?”. She almost spat the words out. I was quite taken aback, is it normal to walk past a complete stranger and try to publicly humiliate them for their lifestyle choices?

I’m not a smoker now, I quit about 15 years ago. I know attitudes to smoking have hardened in the last 15 years but I was still shocked that she felt that she could speak to him like that.

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 15/07/2019 14:49

She WBU. None of her business at all.

How did he react?

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 14:53

He just ignored her. He’s a big rugby type but I think he’s quite easy going.

One of his friends walked over and said “it’s his choice to smoke, not yours and smoking outside is legal in this country”. Some of his other friends joined in and laughed at her, as she was walking away, saying things like”there’s a reason why she’s out on her own” and “maybe she had to get a dog because no one else wants to be friends with her”. A bit nasty but she had provoked it.

OP posts:
BullBullBull · 15/07/2019 15:09

She was well out of order.

MyFokMarelize · 15/07/2019 15:14

She was out of order but the childish personal insults were equally as out of order. Very unpleasant.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/07/2019 15:32

People think it is fair game to insult anyone making different or unhealthy choices, if they smoke, if they're to fat or to skinny, if they smell, if they are gay, or addicts, we live in a world of quick judgement, especially those who rate a person's worth on their lifestyle.
SWVU.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/07/2019 15:50

Smokers have been the target of abusive comments for ages. When I smoked I had a small child take a twenty yard detour, obviously with the approval of her parents, to stand in front of me to announce that ‘she didn’t like smoking’ as her parents watched proudly. They were most put out when I told said child that I didn’t like rude little girls and she scuttled back to them with her bottom lip jutting.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/07/2019 15:56

I've never even held a cigarette let alone had one near my mouth.
I hate them. However, I'd never pass any comment. If people can't smoke indoors and now according to her they can't smoke outdoors.
Where are they meant go. Confused

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/07/2019 16:07

Some of his other friends joined in and laughed at her, as she was walking away, saying things like”there’s a reason why she’s out on her own” and “maybe she had to get a dog because no one else wants to be friends with her”. A bit nasty but she had provoked it. That doesn't justify it. It seems to me that the friends behaved as badly as the woman.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 15/07/2019 16:08

She was in the wrong but so were your friends .

Nobody comes out of this well to be honest

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 15/07/2019 16:09

Sorry, his friends . I note you don't particularly know any of them well

Picklypickles · 15/07/2019 16:11

I've never been able to figure out why on earth some people do this! Do they think that their passive aggressive comments are going to make the smoker suddenly think "oh my gosh, smoking is unhealthy?! Well I never knew that I will stop right away, thanks so much passive aggressive stranger".

LolaSmiles · 15/07/2019 16:13

The woman has a point but was rude to say it.

The rude group outburst from friends was horrible and uncalled for. In fact I would bet they wouldn't have dare have that sort of pile on if it were a bloke. It just suited them to pile on because it makes silly little men feel big and clever.

PooWillyBumBum · 15/07/2019 16:14

She was BU but no one in this story sounds very endearing to be honest.

TabbyMumz · 15/07/2019 16:16

Has anyone considered that she may have a mental illness or disability of some sort? She was wrong to say it, but what they did was worse.

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 16:16

@MyFokMarelize

I wasn't comfortable with the comments they made, but if she hadn't walked up to a stranger and insulted him, then they wouldn't have said anything to her.

What would you have done? I think I would have just given her my best condescending look and walked away.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 16:20

@LolaSmiles

I agree that what his friends said wasn't nice but it wasn't uncalled for - she provoked them. It's a risk you take if you walk up to a complete stranger and insult them.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 15/07/2019 16:23

Her making a comment to one of them didn't justify the personal attack by the rest of them.

I'm surprised you didn't say something.

Laughing at a lone Woman, isn't ok.

Ponoka7 · 15/07/2019 16:25

How did she provoke the group of Men, if she spoke to one of them?

They're arseholes.

Did he throw the butt on the floor?

Knittedjimmychoos · 15/07/2019 16:26

I agree with her.
I'm ex smoker, stopped about 10 years ago ie broke the habit, didn't worry about buying any, don't need any.

On some nights out I might cadge one, last year I must have had about 10 over the year, this year non so far... Ie very rarely.

There's something about going up beautiful mountain and hoping to breathe in fresh air but can't because someone has decided to have a fag and share it with everyone else whether they want one or not.

I went up mountain in Austria recently, we live in city and I was loving the fresh beautiful air on the way up. At summit, no chance of any fresh air due to smokers, everywhere! It was awful.

Of all the places to smoke, I would never have been that selfish.. I couldn't belive it.

Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 16:29

@Ponoka7

So you agree that it's ok for her to walk up to someone and insult them?

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 16:30

@Knittedjimmychoos

Did you tell them all what you thought of them?

OP posts:
Saucery · 15/07/2019 16:30

I’d have just shrugged and said “Well, I still made it up here, imagine how far I could get if I didn’t smoke!”.
His friends were out of order with the personal insults.

RedSheep73 · 15/07/2019 16:32

I've been known to make loud under-my-breath comments about smokers. It's just so horrible, lighting up as if it's a normal thing and puffing it over people. And to do it on a health-related event is insane, I'm not surprised someone made a comment. So I think although the woman was a bit rude, your friend is the really unreasonable one. He could just not smoke, couldn't he?

Ribeebie · 15/07/2019 16:32

Everyone knows how bad smoking is for you. I am shocked people still do it to be honest but it's a free country and people can make unwise decisions.

Yes I agree she WBU but you don't know her or what's going on in her life - she could have lost someone close to a smoking related illness recently. And it's just made her feel she had to speak out - rightly or wrongly.

The abuse your friends then directed at her was completely uncalled for and is way worse than her single comment.

TapasForTwo · 15/07/2019 16:34

What would I have done?

Moved as far away from the smoker as I could as I can't abide the smell, but I wouldn't have said anything.

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