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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Smoking (and commenting on strangers choices)?

236 replies

SwimmerGirl40 · 15/07/2019 14:46

I did a charity walk up Helvellyn at the weekend. I was standing with the group before we started and one of the group moved about 10 metres away and started smoking a cigarette. I don’t know him too well, he’s a friend of my friends husband, I know he plays rugby and is healthy looking. A woman walked past and shouted, in a very posh voice, “all this fresh air and you’re SMOKING?”. She almost spat the words out. I was quite taken aback, is it normal to walk past a complete stranger and try to publicly humiliate them for their lifestyle choices?

I’m not a smoker now, I quit about 15 years ago. I know attitudes to smoking have hardened in the last 15 years but I was still shocked that she felt that she could speak to him like that.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:15

What? You wrote comments like this:

nobody would have said anything if she hadn't chosen to start being rude to a total stranger for no reason.

...implying that she was responsible for them ganging up on her! You back-tracked, sure, but you certainly seemed to believe she got what she deserved. Until you admitted you would tell THEM off, not her. That was the bit I was agreeing with, not your repeated posts of ‘well don’t start something if you don’t want a group of men being spiteful to you’.

Original poster

SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 15:18

@ddl1

You may not be saying that, but some posters are. As well as creating all sorts of imaginings, exaggerations and extrapolations to bolster their argument.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:20

SwimmerGirl40 did you stick up for her, if you thought they were out of order? Or did you not feel comfortable standing up to a group of spiteful men?

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:22

implying that she was responsible for them ganging up on her! You back-tracked, sure,

Utter bollocks. I've not back tracked one bit - if she hadn't started the nonsense it obviously wouldn't have escalated. That doesn't 'justify' the comments, which is also what I originally said. As in the slapping analogy - you start a fight and get murdered, it's not justified but it's a plain bloody fact that you likely wouldn't have died if you didn't start it! I haven't for one moment said or implied she got what she deserved - you're simply making that up. It's true though, unless you can honestly claim and justify that they'd have done it without her rude and unnecessary intervention, that it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't started.

AquaPris · 16/07/2019 15:25

It's annoying. Most people get addicted as teens and it's very hard to quit.

I've only managed by using a Juul vape and then people judge me on that too 🙄

AquaPris · 16/07/2019 15:26

They were nasty back though.

dottypotter · 16/07/2019 15:27

To those who say some people choose to smoke they dont they are just to weak to give up on a filthy habit. Nobody would choose a smelly expensive habit that serves no purpose.

I am glad she said something. Its pretty disgusting seeing people smoke.

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:29

you start a fight and get murdered, it's not justified but it's a plain bloody fact that you likely wouldn't have died if you didn't start it

I think we’re done here.

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:30

Jesus wept.... Glad she said something? I'm sure you're perfect in every respect. Or perhaps not and random strangers should just start on you out of the blue for your faults?

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:34

Pumper with pleasure, as you apparently can't seem to foresee any risk of escalation by going around starting trouble with random folk.

LolaSmiles · 16/07/2019 15:36

Nobody is saying that. However, it would be one thing to say 'Shut up', 'None of your business', or 'Stop being so rude and interfering!' and another to attack her about her own personal life, and. by implication, imply that if she's not with a man, she's a failure and loser.
Exactly this.
Had the guy told her where to go then that's what you get for making unwanted comments.

Zero need for anything else from his silly bunch of mates.

Pumperthepumper
The OP has said the woman was probably seeking attention when she have her view on smoking and in her first post she minimises what the men did as being a bit mean but the woman provoked them She was never going to do anything other than stand by and then create a MN thread designed to get people to further attack the woman

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:36

It’s more I just don’t want to have to engage with twenty more posts of ‘it’s not justified but....’

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 15:39

Lola well, you never know - the OP hasn’t yet said if she told her group they were out of order, maybe that’s where it’s headed.

(Place your bets now)

LolaSmiles · 16/07/2019 15:44

pumper
I called it on the escalation to 'man who ignored mean aggressive woman must have felt threatened which is why his mates jumped in to save him'.

You're probably seeing the next switch happen. Something like 'I didn't say anything at the time, but later on I did tentatively possibly suggest to one of them that maybe they shouldn't have said about her being alone, but all of a sudden I wasn't sure so I thought I'd ask Mumsnet just in case'.

Cheeserton · 16/07/2019 15:46

It’s more I just don’t want to have to engage with twenty more posts of ‘it’s not justified but....’

Comments weren't justified and she was in the wrong too. It's not tricky really.

Original poster

SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 16:10

@dottypotter

You’re so perfect that you don’t do anything at all that annoys/causes a health hazard to other people? So you don’t drive a car, have pets, eat peanuts?

OP posts:

Original poster

SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 16:14

@Cheeserton

I’ve also given up on certain posters and they’re illogical arguments, imaginings and exaggerations.

Some people, including some women, are just arseholes. The people on this thread using imaginary events to bolster their argument are not doing women any favours. They are just making themselves look stupid and unreliable.

OP posts:

NaviSprite · 16/07/2019 16:17

The guys rallying to the defence of the smoker took it too far with their responses (I saw the reverse of this once where a group of women started insulting a young-ish lad who had said loudly that smoking was disgusting whilst walking past the group - all but one of said group had a fag on. Curious to know if MN would find their pile on equally abhorrent?)

The woman shouldn’t have decided to impose her views on smoking on a random bloke.

I’ve had this happen earlier this year, the day after I gave birth to my stillborn son, I had not smoked in several years (since I found out I was pregnant the first time with my twins) but that day my emotions were a clusterfuck. Nobody else knew my reasons for heading out of the hospital area (I can’t abide those that smoke right outside!) for a cigarette.

A random man decided to stop and berate me for smoking whilst pregnant (he’d seen my belly and assumed I was still in first to second trimester.)

So whilst I agree that smoking in a public place with a lot of foot traffic isn’t really on (I tried to avoid this even when I was a regular smoker). I will also say that some of the anti-smoking brigade can be downright dicks.

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 16:20

I’ve also given up on certain posters and they’re illogical arguments, imaginings and exaggerations.

So no, then. You didn’t stick up for her.

Shame on you.

LolaSmiles · 16/07/2019 16:25

I’ve also given up on certain posters and they’re illogical arguments, imaginings and exaggerations.
The people on this thread using imaginary events to bolster their argument are not doing women any favours. They are just making themselves look stupid and unreliable.
Aka people have disagreed with me and pointed out how my story has developed so now I'm going to try to discredit them because I didn't get the outcome I want (having already suggested people who don't agree with me aren't balanced up thread)

But equally:
Some posters are arguing that as the confrontational woman who started it all is female, then she should be able to walk up to random strangers and say what she likes without any consequence.
People have said REPEATEDLY if the man she insulted told her where to go they would understand, but the pile on from his mates was out of order.

You’re so perfect that you don’t do anything at all that annoys/causes a health hazard to other people? So you don’t drive a car, have pets, eat peanuts?

This thread keeps on giving.

Original poster

SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 16:25

@pumperthepumper

Is this in real life or in your imaginary world?

OP posts:

LaMarschallin · 16/07/2019 16:26

I’ve also given up on certain posters and they’re illogical arguments,

Oops.
Shouldn't have mentioned the were/where typo.

Original poster

SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 16:27

@LolaSmiles

Were you on Helvellyn over the weekend?

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 16/07/2019 16:28

Is this in real life or in your imaginary world?

In real life. Did you stick up for her?

Original poster

SwimmerGirl40 · 16/07/2019 16:28

@LaMarschallin

It’s a typo, so what?

OP posts:

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