To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

[taxiforme]

Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

To be honest, this is waving a bit of red flag at me. she has fallen out with long standing friends, she has taken offence at something trivial that you have done and her siblings see her as acting a bit childish. I honestly think that there is something else going on in her life at the moment that is making her miserable/ depressed. I would be trying to get to the bottom of it first because this might be a symptom of a much bigger problem and this all could be a bit of cry for her help.

Shes 22 and doesn’t need a room at your house, neither do the other DSC now they’re adults. I’d turn the rooms into guest rooms and leave sulking DSD to sulk, I’d just keep sending her birthday and Christmas cards asking her to get in contact and leave it at that.

YANBU.

I think your DH should be round at her house asking what’s wrong, what’s going on and how can he help.

@mummymeister on the other hand she might just be a complete arse.

They do exist.

And given OP's description of her reputation amongst those who've known her longest , I'd be inclined to think it's probably just that.

Well it's DHs house as well and he isnt keen. If you box her stuff up and send it back then to her it will be a clear signal you are done with her and then she wont feel she can come back to you. There is no reason you cant use their rooms for visitors when they arent there.

At that age, adult children do not need "their" room at their "second" home (their first being their main residence).

They should all be returned to general guest rooms that the adult children can stay in when they visit.

No you shouldn't.

You would be sending the message that she can no longer regard her home as hers

How often do the pthers stay? Store her stuff in her Sister's room, if you are going to have guests.

Is her Dad ok with what you suggest?

I couldn't imagine treating one of my DD's like that. I've still got stuff in my lift belonging to my 34 year old DD.

Just to clarify, good Parents don't ever tell their children to "sling their hook".

Can you put her stuff in the loft?
So if she does come round you have easy access to it?
I would clear out her room anyway.
If it's a mess and you need a guest room and she isn't there, why not sort it out?

Blahblahblahnanana that is ridiculous.

Op, I think clean the room and make it nice by all means, but don't box up and boot her out. Let her keep her stuff there by make it nice.

"Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life."

Ypu mean that you've done what you were supposed to.

If you do this just to DSD2, you will likely ruin the relationship forever. She will see it as confirmation that you don’t care about her.

As someone else said above, it’s probably time to get rid of ‘their rooms’ and just have guest rooms that they can each stay in when they visit. But please don’t target just DSD2 here. I don’t think the relationship would ever recover.

What did she miss out on that she couldn't attend?

I think you need to go with what DH wants: ultimately she is his DD and by packing up her stuff and sending it back to her, you're basically saying 'goodbye, you're not welcome her anymore'. I really don't see why any of the DSC's rooms can't be used for guests: we don't have a designated guest room: if we have guests we switch around a bit to give them a room and leave a bit of space in a wardrobe. Having a permanent guest room shouldn't take priority over a child, no matter how old. I understand how frustrated you must be, but I think you will be making things a whole lot worse by doing it.

She’s 22, not 12. She does not need a room in your home, she can have the spare room if she needs to stay over at any point but definitely doesn’t need her own bedroom. She’s also flouncing around acting like a spoilt entitled 12 year old. Crikey, some 22 year old’s are married with a career and family. She needs to grow up imo.

Don't send her stuff back. If you can get DH to agree, box up all her stuff and store it for her. If you've got a 4 bedroom house, you've presumably got some storage space going spare. Then turn the room into a guest room. If she does come round and want to stay again, she can stay in the guest room.

Can it not be "her" bedroom, and a guest room at the same time?

Could OH ask the girl's mother if there is any particular problem in her life at the moment, which has caused her to fall out with family and friends?

Hmmm. End of Feb to mid July isn't very long. Especially to a 22 year old. I think I'd wait until a year had gone by and then revisit this. Sending her stuff back to her and making her room into the "Spare Room" feels pretty harsh after 4 1/2 months (or "5 minutes" in her book).

Unless she is paying board she should not get to keep a room....

My step son moved out of our house at the age of 17 - Also apparently has some issues with how he was 'treated' at our house. In mine and my DHs opinion, regular teenage boundaries that should be imposed on any kid and nothing that deserves the absolute silent treatment and complete cut off we have been given. Fast forward two years and he still wont speak to us.

His room is now happily my work from home office. We are moving house in a few months and there simply wont be a dedicated room for him there. If he ever decides he wants to visit over night - He will be welcome to the guest suite.

I think you will pour petrol on the fire if you clear her room right now. If she is already sensitive about being left out then this will be a confirmation that she is not wanted.

Your DH needs to speak to her. You will be painted as the wicked Stepmother if you do anything no matter how far from reality that is.

I'd clear out all the rooms and set up specific cupboard space for each of them to use, then put her stuff in there. You don't want her to feel excluded. She's feeling hyper-sensitive for some reason, the best way to counteract that is with love. Can your DH send her a message to tell her he misses her and would like to take her out to lunch or dinner on whatever day she's free? He could tell her he's sorry she felt excluded because that was nobody's intent but he understands it must have hurt, and ask how things are in the rest of her life.

What relevance is the holidays?

No, it’s not been long enough.

Tbh you sound like you have been waiting for a reason to 'evict' her. It may just be her personality or they may be something else going on that is causing her to fall out with people. It's your DH's house too and I presume he doesn't want to sever the relationship because she's currently in a huff - that's not what parents do.

Of course use any of their rooms as guest rooms, that's normal. But don't pick on her and decide that having a guest room is the hill you're all going to die on