To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

[taxiforme]

Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

At 22 I had
Moved out of home in with now dh and was pregnant. My parents turned my old room into a guest room whilst I was at uni.

These are my biological parents

I think some people have a chip about step parents. I would store her stuff in the loft and take the room
Back. She has made her choice.

Whilst I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to make use of the room, I do feel that your DH needs to see her and get to the bottom of what's going on. As previous posters have suggested, it looks like there's more to it if she has fallen out with her friends.

If she is adamant that she doesn't want to come to your house anymore, but DH insists you can't send her things back, could you compromise by packing her things in a suitcase and storing in the loft or somewhere? That will enable you to use the room.

*At 22 I had
Moved out of home in with now dh and was pregnant. My parents turned my old room into a guest room whilst I was at uni.

These are my biological parents

I think some people have a chip about step parents. I would store her stuff in the loft and take the room
Back. She has made her choice.*

That's good for you. Everybody moves at their own pace though, and some people need a place to land if they have mental health issues such as an eating disorder.

A friend of mine has a bad eating disorder and is 30 and she sometimes has to move home with her parents as she needs support to do basic things that come easy to others, such as eat and take care of herself.

Also, her father is her bio parent, so I don't see what the difference is.
Nobody has been mean about the OP as she is a step parent, nobody has shown any chip about it.

You definitely should not box up the room or nab it for a guest room. You should go to your STD (or DH if more appropriate) and reassure her that she is loved and wanted. Your plan is the exact wrong thing to do...

I don't feel qualified to comment on her mental state or any disorders she may have, but with regard to the rooms: if you want a guest room I'd start with any of the children who have their own place now, be that her or the eldest or whoever and I'd pitch it from that perspective: "now that you've got your own place and so are naturally less likely to spend so much time here, we'd like to make your bedroom so that any guests can use it. Obviously this will always be your home but we appreciate that you may not want other of our friends etc seeing or touching your personal things, so let us know if you want us to box them up and put them in the loft/garage/wherever or if you'd prefer to pick them up at some point when you're over."

If none of them do have their own place yet then I'd do what others have suggested - keep all the rooms as 'theirs' but tidy enough for guests to use in their absence.

If she wanted a relationship with you she shouldn't have pushed you away. Highly unlikely that all of the people users state 'almost certainly have BPD' actually have the disorder, so don't read too far into that. It's thrown around way too much because there are a lot of stereotypes about those who suffer. Personally, I'd do it 🤷‍♀️ She's an adult. It doesn't means she isn't welcome to stay.

If she wanted a relationship with you she shouldn't have pushed you away. Highly unlikely that all of the people users state 'almost certainly have BPD' actually have the disorder, so don't read too far into that.

No, but the OP said she had an eating disorder, and that has mental issues, and anyone with MH issues can push you away.

It's not as simple as she shouldn't have pushed you away and that's that, if she's suffering, she may have pushed away, but that's not neccessarily what she wants or needs.

She had left used sanitary towels on the floor and on the window seat in the direct sun along with takeaway boxes, plates and the usual piles of clothes/shoes ect

This pig wouldn't be allowed a room in my home.

Just clean up the room. Get new unit to keep her things in. No reason guests cant use it

I’m slightly younger than her and I don’t have a room at my mum’s anymore and have never had a room with my dad! But then again I did move out at 18.

If I’m honest, I think there’s probably a reason why she’s acting out but I still think you should get rid of her room. People who dont push themselves to move out of their parents by their early 20s generally like to infantilise themselves in other ways (not talking about individuals living with parents while saving for house). She obviously hasn’t grown up and faced real adult issues.

That’s clearly a very different situation to the one OP describes so not relevant.

It is relevant. It's her home, same as the OP's DSD is. How the room is left doesn't change the fact that it is her room - we could choose to use DD's room as a guest room but we don't because it is her room

@ameriann This pig wouldn't be allowed a room in my home.

If that's your attitude then I doubt she'd want one.

If your DH is not on board with this, then I think you will have to leave it TBH .The problem is ,if she feels hard done by ,then she may turn it on to you ,and be OK with Dad and her siblings leaving you sidelined .You can still have guests surely? just empty 1 or 2 drawers for them ,and put the stuff back when they go home.I thought.Do you think she has a boyfriend that is trying to isolate her from F and F ?.This is classic abusive behaviour ,maybe see if she can speak to Dad alone?

22 is not barely out of childhood fgs 🙄
Some folk on MN really need to get a grip; stop coddling and excusing atrocioys behaviour. Not every bit of ignorant, nasty behaviour is MH, some people are just not very nice.
OP most definitely clean the room out, pop her stuff in the wardrobe for if and when she decides to speak to you. Keeping a room for an adult who hasn’t spoke to you in 5 mths is silly.

*atrocious

When I was a teenager

This is a woman not a teenager. I'm only three years older than your DSD. I would never expect my parents to keep my room as a shrine to me despite never using it.

It sounds like there are other issues at play which your DH needs to be getting to the bottom of but I can't stand the way people are acting as though this is a young child/teenager. It's not. It's an adult woman.

If someone tried to love bomb me at 22 I would permanently cut contact. When does it stop?

When my son was away at Uni ,my Cousin would come and stay and just use her SC to store things in, (its not a very big room TBH) and hang some things up .How many clothes do these visitors have?! .I do the same when at hers!(Just share her wardrobe )!and use 1 bedroom cabinet !

Yanbu. She’s an adult now and isn’t visiting you. Therefore why should you keep a room for her. You can’t keep it as a shrine forever.

I'm fully aware of that womenspeakout, I have BPD myself and have suffered from an eating disorder in the past. The OP did not in fact state she has an eating disorder, the step daughter has a weight problem. They are not the same thing but everyone is assuming that she has serious mental health issues because of that. Not everyone has mental health issues, and even with those who do - not everything they do is due to their mental health problems. Some people are just immature or not very nice. I completely agree with what bookworm said.

All of the rest of it is smoke and mirrors. The only thing that matters really is that she stopped visiting after being excluded from a family event.

Up until then you had a good relationship and considered her communicative, kind and generous.

Whatever the genuine reasons for excluding her, she obviously felt very hurt and upset.

A person who usually feels loved and valued would not react like this to a single incident; it hurt because it reinforced the rejection she already felt.

And not to be unkind but she's right really isn't she? The readiness to erase her room and move on does indeed suggest how unimportant her presence was.

Clearing her room out, or returning her belongings, would serve only to alienate her further. She needs love and attention and to feel special - from her dad, and you.

Some of these replies are awful, showing no understanding whatsoever of her position.

The weight issue.

Her mother is extremely fit and very skinny. Protein shakes, gym twice a day. Her house has no treats in (not even a tub of ice cream the kids say). Food is rationed and very plain and in the past, the kids had to eat up everything and there was rarely a pudding. Mum has a lot of food allergies. Sugar, gluten, wheat, dairy, anything spicy.

In the past she has bought DSD2 a gym membership, gym kit suitable for a size 8 with a crop top (she was probably a size 16/18 then) and a fit bit. Fat shaming. Yes.

When she was married to my DH he wanted a snooker cue for Xmas. She bought him a set of scales with a body fat monitor.

I am not mum bashing. Far from it. Good on her. She will live a lot longer than me.

Kids now buy their own food when they are there as far as I understand.

Me, I try and be neutral. I agree with mum that DSD2's diet is terrible and she is heading towards obesity and mum has spoken to me about taking her to SW (me- a "rounded" size 12...ha ha).

No food is forbidden here. I love to cook and take pleasure from it. DSD2 and I had forged a great relationship with baking when she was younger - she was not allowed to bake at home.

She doesn't secretly eat. She eats way way too much and of the wrong thing, whenever, wherever. Then eats more lying in her bed watching YouTube. All three of them eat way too much but DSD2 doesn't get any exercise.

I am not convinced she has an eating disorder as such but I think she has developed an unhealthy relationship with food. She worships at the altar of pulled pork and crispy creme.

So. There you are. Off with the gloves. Didn't want to go into this but it's on a plate for you to dismember.

I have only said we are alive to a MH issue and I haven't actually said she has an eating disorder.

I am not clinically trained to give an opinion on either.

She had left used sanitary towels on the floor and on the window seat in the direct sun...

I think that's what is known as a drip feed. Far too many posts sympathetic to your DSD, I'm guessing. You really despise this poor young woman, don't you?

She's your DH's child. I don't think you get to cut her off, however much you want to. I imagine she's been aware of your dislike for some time. This sort of vitriol doesn't appear overnight.

I think you are being unkind. It’s her home and a few months is nothing in the great scheme of things. It would be very aggressive to box up her things and send them on. It’s like saying you are no longer part of this family this is not your home.