To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

[taxiforme]

Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

My eldest left home two years ago to go to university, her room is still hers for her to come home to whenever she needs to - we wouldn't have it any other way. She leaves it clean and tidy so we could use it as a guest room if we wanted to but there is no way I'd make it into a guest room.
YABU if you do.

She leaves it clean and tidy so we could use it as a guest room if we wanted to but there is no way I'd make it into a guest room.

That’s clearly a very different situation to the one OP describes so not relevant.

This is her home. It's like you're kicking her out. And you don't even know why really.

If you’ve got other sensible step children why not select one of their rooms to be converted into a guest room - presumably they would be mature about it? That way the middle child doesn’t feel that she’s being punished. If you subsequently feel that you need to clear up her room you might want her dad to contact her to ask what she wants doing with any of the stray belongings you gather. Give her to excuse / opportunity to come over without it being a big deal. If there’s no change over the next few months you may decide that you want the belonging to be stored elsewhere in the house. This doesn’t mean she’s not welcome.... adults shouldn’t expect their parents to keep their childhood rooms as some kind of museum... especially if they’re not even visiting.

I moved out of my mum's when I was 17 but still had "my room" - although I didn't really have any stuff there. When I was 25 and my sister had also left home, my mum downsized to a one-bed flat. It definitely gave me some emotions, like "But what if I need to come home?" Our relationship at the time was very close but I did feel a bit rejected.

Your DSD is already feeling rejected and clearly struggling with MH issues around binge eating disorder (I assume.) Now is the time for your DH to love bomb the shit out of her. He needs to be proactive in this. If he says "Well she can come to me when she's ready" she will experience this as another rejection. She's 22 - barely out of childhood, emotionally speaking. Your DH is presumably in his 40s or 50s. He needs to be the responsible adult here.

Good luck OP. I have had problems with binge eating disorder (which thankfully I have now beaten, going from 23 stone to 12 stone.) Please feel free to PM me if I can help.

I think you're reading too much into the presents tbh. Lots of posters with teens on here complain about their rooms and dropping stuff at their feet. The other SKs may have treated their presents the same. You just don't know because you didn't go into their rooms.
It sounds difficult but don't make this all bigger than it is. DSD is struggling for some reason. Knowing that she has a room at your's and you are both there for her is the best you can do.

The thing is, as a parent, I would be more concerned about her behaviour than wishing to draw a line under the relationship.

You sound like you have been a good step-mother, but the responsability of a parent is much greater.

What really hurt was she just left all the lovely Xmas presents we and my parents (who don't have any GK) and her aunt and uncle had bought her just thrown on the floor. So much thought and angst went into choosing them and they were left dumped, half opened and not appreciated.

When I was a teenager, my family would buy me presents that made me feel that they really, really had no idea who I was and made me feel crap. I would immediately ask whether they could be returned, which - understandably - upset them.

It sounds like your DSD is suffering and probably lashing out or at least being inconsiderate. I agree with PPs: her father should make and effort to find out what's going on, or at least show her that both of you care about her and are worried for her.

Meanwhile, tidy up your stepchildren's rooms (not just hers), and allow guests to use them when they are not in, but don't throw their stuff out. Other people use the room I used to sleep in at my parents' house, but it's still my room when I visit.

When I was a teenager, my family would buy me presents that made me feel that they really, really had no idea who I was and made me feel crap

You were a teenager. This is a 22-year old woman.

I have two sons in their 20's who return to their old rooms from time to time. This year I'm intending to re decorate the spare room, which at present is decorated as a room in my late mother's taste (modern but a bit pastel) I will then redecorate one of the boys rooms and turn one of them into a sewing room for me. Even if there was no falling out there is no reason why you should not revamp this room as a guest room, perhaps with a nod to your DSD2's taste and then sh can use it when she stay with you but it can be a spare room the rest of the time.

(she has a serious weight problem which causes her mum, particularly, no end of worry) and been either pushed away or actively rebelled against.

So, she has an eating disorder, which is a mental health disorder.

Honestly, these patterns, leaving friends and family, it seems she's in a bit of a crisis right now, and the timing of this would be awful, all for a guest room?

No, especially as your husband isn't keen on it either.

If she's in crisis, and she's perceived the slight from before, how do you feel she'll handle this?

If you really need the guest room, change the other daughters room into one with a discussion with her, and when she comes, she can stay in the guest room.

Honestly, it's the worst moment to do something like this and if she's suffering with her MH, then it could be a big tipping point. It could also ruin yours and your husbands relationship with her.
She may need a place to fall, don't take that away from her.

I don’t think it’s your place to do what you have. She doesn’t need a room, no. But she has a room and maybe instead of being so bothered that you’ve taken it upon yourself to invade her privacy and clean the room yourself- because you want it as a spare room, perhaps you should be a bit more concerned about her behaviour and not push her out even more?

Also, your husband doesn’t agree with you. You should respect his decisions regarding his children.

I can see how it would make sense if she's not using it any more, but I think the sending her stuff back would be a step too far.

Better to compromise I think.

Perhaps you could re think all the rooms in terms of how often they stay/ which might more easily still be a bedroom & a guestroom?

I would put her stuff away tidily (buy new storage boxes if necessary) but leave it in her room (not in the attic or whatever). Guests don't expect a clear room IME - they just want a bed! When we have a guest we move one of the DCs out of their room and let them share with their sibling for the night, but we don't clear out drawers etc. That way, it is indisputably still "her" room but you can have guests to stay there too. Win win.

I cannot believe all the posters hanging on to their grown-up children's rooms, do you all intend to keep them and never downsize at any point? Maybe I am just being sensitive about ALL the criticism that I read on here about pensioners rattling about in large houses that they don't need.
Sorry for the derail.

"Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life."

Sounds like she had been labelled as troubled for being different all of her life, awful for her, and now she is stuck playing that role. I'd talk to a systemic family therapist about how best to support her.

I'm on the fence with this.

Obviously she's behaving badly for whatever reason - and it could be that she's in a bad relationship, or she could just believe that everyone else is in the wrong apart from her, who knows - BUT if you clear her room entirely and she does come back, she will leave again and probably forever because she will feel that you have "erased" her from your life and home.

Clear the room for use, in terms of making it usable by others - but don't pack all her stuff up and make it "not her room" any more than you already have - not yet, anyway.

Your DSC is clearly hurt and needs your support and love, not rejection by giving her room away. Your DH needs to be falling over himself to sort this out. I know she is 22 but that is still young. The DSC have already been through their parents divorcing and that can be a big deal. It was for me.

If you really need a guest room then ask one of the other girls if their room can be used for guests when they aren't there.

If you use this DSC's room and get rid of her stuff then she will probably feel further rejected. I'm shocked that you are have even contemplated it.

you’ve taken it upon yourself to invade her privacy and clean the room yourself

It’s the OPs house. She may share it with SDs father but it’s still her house. She’s perfectly entitled to go into any room she chooses.

I'd try and find out what is going on for her, lots of pushing people away by the sound of it and you say she is normally kind and generous.

Don't turn her room into a guest room - do the opposite and remind her she has a place with you if she needs it, be the kind she needs.

How old are they all?

I would get a big fitted wardrobe and use one room to store all of the relevant stepkids stuff left around with a bed and neutral bedding in the room then designate the two other rooms as guest rooms. If they all stay, they each have a room and their things are preserved.

Don’t single your dsd2 out. That would be sending the wrong message. Send a family email / WhatsApp or similar saying you want to do this and ask everyone their thoughts. Hopefully the eldest and youngest won’t have any objection. Then you can ask them to collect what they don’t want stored at yours. If your dsd2 doesn’t reply, your dh can go to see her.... he should do anyway.

Ponoka7 I’m 52. Would my mother be wrong to throw out my childhood stuff in a clear out?

She sounds like my sister I’m sorry to say. I left home at 18 and never lived there again, did not have a room kept for me though the offer was there to stay night.
My sister... drifted back and forth, her room was kept pristine for her (or incur her wrath) well past her 30’s. She had a habit of imagining slights and creating dramas where there was none to be had. She cut off every person she ever met over the years and exacted some petty revenges when boyfriends broke up with her or managers sacked her.
Sadly, there were mental health issues involved for which she refused all and any help.
She was always the victim, never apologised for her incredibly selfish and unpleasant ways and invariably she rewrote history quite dramatically.

If you can save yourself some pain OP Please do, have Dh send her a nice message, “we’re sorry you felt excluded it was not our intention, we understand you want distance from us and will respect your wishes. You are always welcome but we understand you no longer feel comfortable in our home. There is no need for you to be without your personal items, would you like to collect them, have us pack and deliver them. Alternatively we can store them in loft for you, we wish you well etc etc etc”

Do reach out, do set your boundaries, there is no reason for you to be disrespected. Good luck.