To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

[taxiforme]

Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

Aroundtheworldandback But why wouldn't YOUR stuff be in YOUR house? I left my parents house in my 20s. I took my things with me. They turned my room into a spare room. I'm sure if I wanted to stay overnight, I could sleep in it. I wouldn't expect my childhood stuff to still be there as it's not my home any more.

My DM asked for ideas when she redecorated my old room and DBs, she hates decorating and likes the way I have my house, they are ostensibly guest rooms now, but when we stay I always stay in my room and dB in his, DN says to me 'i stayed in your room this time when I stayed at grandma and grandad's or I stayed in daddy's room. None of our stuff is there and the decor is different but they will always be our rooms at he up in them.

I agree with PPs wrong time to make any bold moves

*we grew up in them

A lot of our childhood things are in their loft, old school work, toys, special occasion outfits, much to DFs dismay. We've both taken what we wanted and said it's fine to dump the rest but DM refuses to!

@tactfulish

Is there any weird way in another dimension we share the same step son?

Gosh - He deleted me, my family and all his dads family from social media the day he moved out. We have a family chat group with my family and my DHs family and the last straw was 'xxxxx has left the family group' ....

His stuff went into a box and thats where it has been for two years. Funny thing is that when I look at the stuff he left behind, its only the things that meant something or relate to his relationship with his dad. Gifts etc. Everything else he took with him

As the years move on the box will get relegated further and further into the back of storage. He cant possibly want any of it anyway.

Aroundtheworld - I'm the same age as you and my Dad still has a lot of my childhood stuff at his house. He uses my old room as a guest room, and has a lot of his own stuff in there too (mostly books and ornaments) but the upper shelves are still my stuff.
Yes, it would be very hurtful if he chucked it all out without at least asking me first if I wanted to take it myself - and in fact I will have to clear it myself in the not-too-distant future, I'm sure.
My siblings' rooms are in the same case - upper shelves still contain their stuff, lower areas contain other stuff and rooms are all used for guests when needed.

DH definitely needs to make more effort to improve their relationship.

If you need a spare room I would use the room of the oldest step child. DD2 sounds vulnerable and needs to feel loved, appreciated and included. This is the wrong time to be converting her room.

I don't think the argument is that rooms of children can never be changed, but in this case, it's this one child who has been singled out. She seems to have an eating disorder, and already feels excluded, and there's other rooms of the siblings whose rooms could be changed instead.

If this girl is in some kind of crisis, she may need somewhere to come back to that she can rely on. It may help her to know she always has a place to land there instead of being told, in not so subtle way, you've been gone a few months so we used this chance to 'sling you out'.

I'd compromise and tidy the room up, putting all her stuff into some kind of neat storage system or wardrobe. If you wanted to be really nice you could let her know in advance that you are buying some new storage for 'her' room, and moving things around.

Hopefully then the room will be fit for guests but also still with her stuff intact (and not as final as putting it inthe loft)

Yes, there's a big difference between repurposing an adult dc old room if you have a good relationship and they feel they are always welcome to visit, and what the OP is suggesting (sling her hook). Actually I can understand why op might want to do this as she feels hurt by the dds behaviour, but it does sound like she is a very troubled young person. I think reaching out to her and trying to help is the right thing to do.

Thanks again, all. As for invading her privacy, I have fully respected the private areas of her room (the drawers and wardrobe). She had left used sanitary towels on the floor and on the window seat in the direct sun along with takeaway boxes, plates and the usual piles of clothes/shoes ect.

We were aware she was doing this and had tried to talk to her about it. Provided all the necessary bits and pieces. Bin, wipes, bags ect but to no avail.

She has a nice job and enjoys work and regularly socialises with her colleagues. She is clearly a valued employee and her manager speaks very highly of her.

You're pandering to her again.
Adults have all been pandering to her awful attitude and behaviour her whole life - and you are all still enabling this bullshit at age 22!

I'd just go ahead and put her stuff in storage and change the room.
She has such little respect for you or your home and isn't gratfeul for anything.

She's had enough time and you've conceded enough.
I think it's about time YOU demanded to be shown respect in your own home.
Your DH doesn't want this of course - he thinks your needs/desires should continue coming second for the rest of your life.

Your DSD is already feeling rejected and clearly struggling with MH issues around binge eating disorder (I assume.) Now is the time for your DH to love bomb the shit out of her. He needs to be proactive in this. If he says "Well she can come to me when she's ready" she will experience this as another rejection. She's 22 - barely out of childhood, emotionally speaking. Your DH is presumably in his 40s or 50s. He needs to be the responsible adult here

This. She sounds very troubled.

At 22 she is an adult, yes, but in many ways still has a teenage brain - more complicated by poss MH issues. I would not make a big statement by sending things back. Keep trying to build bridges - even if it is met with hostility. If you have guests they should be able to use the room, but I would just move the boxes out temporarily when you have people staying. Whatever is going on with her, and it sounds complicated, the last thing you need is to give her more "rejection" ammo.

You're pandering to her again.
Adults have all been pandering to her awful attitude and behaviour her whole life - and you are all still enabling this bullshit at age 22!

Have they? Or have they helped create her issues by saying she was different/difficult from birth?

She clearly has issues, it appears an eating disorder of some kind, which can be hell. It's not pandering to care about someone and show consideration.

If the OP desperately needs a guest room, the other kids, who could possibly cope better with it, can change their rooms.

I would be a little careful about over compensating for her, particularly if at the expense of other siblings. You should treat them all fairly. I would also Google borderline paranoid personality disorders. My sister almost certainly suffers from this disorder and has been in and out of touch with family and friends for years. She frequently cuts people out of her life for years, returns Xmas presents unopened etc and is not respectful of others belongings. She is also, kind and generous (particularly strangers) but can be emotionally immature, lazy and selfish too with regards to family. If, your DSD she does have a borderline paranoid personality disorder, then overcompensating will only make it worse. You need to set boundaries and be firm and fair. She should n't be singled out for special treatment whether positive or negative.

You could go happy medium - just have it tidy enough that guests can use it but still keep her pictures etc up. There's no reason why it can't be a room used by guests and hers when she's there.

I don't think there's any need for adult children to have a room at home (I sure as hell didn't - mum rented that out straight away!) But there's not necessarily a massive need to completely redecorate/bin everything in order to use it for guests.

Thanks corBilmeyGuvnor that was a helpful insight

Is she still in touch with her siblings?

Can you talk to them, & say 'we want to turn your rooms into guest rooms - we can still store your stuff & you could use the room, we'd just like a tidy, freshly decorated room for guests.'

One or both of them may say 'sure, I don't need my room anymore'. Then you've set a precedent. Clear that room.

Leave dsd2's room for now. Get her dad to chase her up & see if she's ok, generally make a real effort to sort out that relationship.

Meanwhile, if her sister & brother are still talking to her, they can mention that they/one of them have given up their childhood rooms now, which plants the seed that this is what will eventually happen with all three rooms - avoids any feeling of her being singled out.

& if both the other dsc say 'Er NO. We want to keep our rooms!' then you'll have to decide if you're prepared to suck that up indefinitely, or if you're going to insist on reclaiming them. Either way it would be unfair to grab dsd2's if you wouldn't do that to the others without them being on board?

I think at the least you could ask all 3 to box up their stuff & put away in wardrobes etc. If one of them doesn't choose to do this for herself then I think fair to crack on & box it all up yourself.

She sounds like she needs a really big hug. 22 is not that old emotionally speaking and she has an eating disorder.

I understand the urge to give her a 'kick up the bum' but she needs love at the moment and not further rejection. If she's falling out with her friends and family she is obviously not in a good head space. Happy well adjusted 22 year olds don't fall out with their family because they couldn't make a trip out. Don't see it as attention seeking behaviour see it as attention needing behaviour.

Also thanking CorBlimeyGovenor for that post - that sounds remarkably like a family member of mine too!

". I would also Google borderline paranoid personality disorders. My sister almost certainly suffers from this disorder and has been in and out of touch with family and friends for years. "

I hate when people say this shit.

Flaky and causes drama??? Must be BPD!!!!!

You have no idea if she or your sister have it. Unless you're her doctor, you have no idea whether she 'almost certainly' has it or not.

Some of those things may not be BPD, but just part of mental illness and/or the eating disorder.

There's a self sabotage and evasiveness that goes along with it too. It may not be BPD, so it's a bit much to throw out possible diagnosis online, especially if an eating disorder is already present.

So, saying how you should then treat someone, who it's not known even has BPD, may not be the best thing.

Also OP. I notice when you said she has had this weight issue for years and it's driven her mother mad, what has been her father's reaction and yours about it?

*Flaky and causes drama??? Must be BPD!!!!!

You have no idea if she or your sister have it. Unless you're her doctor, you have no idea whether she 'almost certainly' has it or not.*

Cross posted, thank you! I was a bit disturbed at seeing this TBH.

BPD is not realy something to be thrown around.

I in no way have it, but some of those things fit my past behaviours due to mental health problems and an eating disorder.

BPD cannot be diagnosed by someone else because a big thing of it is the persons internal thoughts and world, just being as described does not make a person BPD.