To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

[taxiforme]

Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

taxi, I don't mean this unkindly because I know several step-parents, all doing a great job in what can sometimes be challenging circumstances.

But you would not do this to a biological
child. Nobody would. Nobody would cut off a young adult because they were upset about an incident. So, honestly, you should not do that to a step-daughter either. Your dh should be working overtime to get to the bottom of it, to make sure she knows her fears are groundless.

If he's already doing that then you need to get on board too. If he isn't then shame on him, and no wonder she feels unwanted.

Honestly, a nice bedroom, holidays, baking all sound lovely but if it's against a backdrop of sensing that her opinions and feelings don't count, that nobody is bothered whether she's there or not, she's going to flounce, on the offensive as a form of defence.

Tell your dh to go round there and knock the door down until she answers, give her a massive hug, tell her he loves and misses her, give her a face-saving way to come back.

Wow. No. I don't despise her.
Someone suggested that I was invading her privacy by cleaning her room. I was giving the facts. I had to clean her room.

Her mother has probably given her the issue around food and weight by her behaviour towards her. Poor girl, it's no wonder she's heading towards obesity, with controlling behaviour and the passive aggression of getting her a top far too small, it would either go that way or the other.

Ok so she has mental health issues. If this was your child, and I get you don't have any, would you tell her to sling her hook or would you do as your husband is.

If you have guests over they can still use the room, but let it remain hers. Taking it off her sends a strong message she's no longer welcome.

Let your husband take the lead here. And don't try to force him to do something he doesn't wish and could cause irreparable damage between him and his daughter, for nothing more than you fancy having a guest room. He will resent you for it and it will cause your own relarionship just as much damage as you will cause between him and his daughter.

Yes she's behaving badly. You don't need to do it too.

Thank you hello I am grateful for your perspective. I have no idea what it is like to have a biological child, no. I have been part of a family all my life, though.

Where do they all live? How much do they all come home?
I'd give all their rooms a makeover and ask them to decluteer etc then it's less obviously focussed on her.
But it's reasonable for them to share a space, presuming they're not all there at the same time. Or a room is always here for you (without your crap)

My own parents boxed up my stuff and turned it into a guest room. Even if she stayed every weekend she doesn’t need a dedicated room at 22.

@TakeOneForTheBreem

Actually, during one of her better phases, she sought professional advice and that was the assessment that she fed back!! Before you decide to jump in and judge! But then later one she became increasingly suspicious and backed off from therapy and family. In fact, she disappeared and cut all contacts. Eventually, years later she was tracked down by a relative living in France (not exactly a 'bit flakey' as you would put it).

As an aside though, most people with the condition will not seek help, or if they do, often halt it, due to suspicions or mistrust. It's a very common condition and I see no reason why those closest to the friend or relative aren't in a better position than a psychologist to draw their own conclusions, bearing in mind that, many people will be reluctant to seek help or engage with MH services. When they do, they often won't fully open up, or will initially, but then close down.

It's not the same as diagnosing someone with a psychiatric condition. It's about looking as neutrally and honestly as you can with a view to gaining a greater understanding and trying to help them, rather than tacking on labels.

That definitely sounds like disordered eating and you can absolutely see why, given her mum’s approach to things.

You don’t despise her?

Why have you written this then? Why do we need to know about this?
‘Thanks again, all. As for invading her privacy, I have fully respected the private areas of her room (the drawers and wardrobe). She had left used sanitary towels on the floor and on the window seat in the direct sun along with takeaway boxes, plates and the usual piles of clothes/shoes ect’

Along with the opening ‘should we tell her sling her hook?’

you don’t sound like you like her at all. You sound invasive and completely unsupportive. You’ve written this post instead of listening to your husband.

Unbelievable.

having got a 20yr old son who is also a bit of a nightmare, you have my sympathies...
he sounds like your dsd tbh... a manipulator .. everything has to be about him,.. he has to be doing what he wants, when he wants and we all have to support him, or he will make life bloody miserable.
he has some sort of (mild) personality disorder for sure..
I being much tougher these days, helps me feel less taken advantage of and I suggest you do the same. Clear the bedroom by all means, but put her stuff in plastic storage crates, or in the wardrobe, so if she comes back, its still in the room .. just neutralise the space if that makes sense..
Be entirely reasonable at all times, then they really can't complain of unfair behaviour.

I don't agree at all Jellybeans... do you have adult children or step children? They can be bloody hard work to live with!

OP she sounds unhappy and disturbed.

I don’t think you are obliged to leave her room like a tip but you need to treat her no less inclusively than her siblings.

Her reaction to a family event that she couldn’t attend tells you how sensitive to being an outsider she is.

It can be hard being a middle child, too, you’re not the eldest or the baby, but ignored piggy in the middle.

Guests do not need a room devoid of any other possessions, you are not a hotel.

Treat them all the same.

@Ingles2 no I don’t, but does that mean the only valid opinions on this thread are those from people who have adult children?

This girls father disagrees with this.

Op doesn’t seem to care about this girl at all, some of the things she has written here are absolutely awful.

well no, but it's obvious to me you don't have experience of this kind of situation..
I have opinions on all sorts of random subjects, doesn't mean I should wade in ..
and I'm not reading the OP's posts in the same tone at all... she sounds pretty reasonable to me.
As I said, it can be miserable living / dealing with manipulative personalities.. you deal with it the best you can.

oh, and I've discovered fathers quite often "disagree" but actually that's shorthand for "rather not deal"

Jellybeans
That’s not what I’m getting from op. I think she’s frustrated and desperate. Her husband is burying his head in the sand. Some of the words are harsh but it sounds as though she cares a lot for this young woman.

I do have experience of this sort of situation, just not as the adult.

I have the general vibe that OP is using this opportunity to get what she wants and hasn’t said anything nice about the girl at all.

The OP isn’t written with any concern really, it was more about the daughters negatives and what positives OP can get from the situation.

OP, I think some PP are being ridiculous and talk about DSD as if she’s 8, this a grown woman who at best spent an occasional weekend in the room and now not for 5mths, clean the room and pack her stuff into the cupboard/wardrobe, she obviously doesn’t care about her room or belongings.

So at what age is it acceptable to stop babying grown adults? Some of you are talking about this woman as if she was a twelve year old.
It's a way to beat someone for being a stepmother imo.

They don’t even know where she’s gone, sounds like they can’t even be arsed to check up on her.

I’m saying it’s awful that instead of being concerned about her, all op is concerned about is getting that room emptied so she can have a spare room.

It’s a way to beat someone as a step mother?

Not at all, op has said she has no biological children- no one is beating her for that.

I have sat down and had a chat with DH. He has sent her a message and called and they had a chat and he asked to meet up for coffee but she has said no. She is still unhappy about what happened in February (we fostered a rescue puppy without consulting her - we have three other rescue dogs here and room for more).

A good friend, who is also her godmother has suggested that she was jealous of the puppy taking attention away from her.

Really?

What if my DH and I had had a baby?

Sorry, I didn't initially say what the February incident was that she felt she missed out on. I didn't feel that I needed to. Her sister went to see the puppy with us, DSD2 didn't as she was busy.

This is what the fall out was about apparently I don't mean to drip feed but to be honest I am embarrassed that the whole situation has got so out of hand over a puppy.

yeah, I don’t believe any of this. Good luck though OP, you’ll need it regardless of truth or lies.