To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

[taxiforme]

Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

She expected to be consulted about you fostering a dog? She doesn’t live with you! She sounds like a spoiled brat.

Jelly you’re being very unfair.

Look this is an adult who has decided not to visit, whether that is because of the puppy incident or something else isn’t relevant. All you can do is let her know the door is always open. Tidy her room as you’ve done and use it for guests. I don’t know anybody who keeps a room for the sole use of an adult especially one that isn’t actually visiting right now. If you want to redecorate perhaps do so with your SD in mind, and say it needed a refresh if she visits.

Her dad needs to keep communication open with her and if she keeps rebuffing, keep trying, keep her up to date on family happenings and leave her to it

Jellybeans

It sounds like you’re projecting a lot of your own stuff on to the OP. Either that or you’re a bitter first wife.

She sounds like one hell of a manipulator to treat you like this over your choice to foster a puppy!

I really don’t know why pp are on her side. I suspect it’s because you’re a dreaded step mum...I highly doubt people would be so supportive of her behaviour as an ADULT woman of 22 if you were her bio mum.

I wonder if I’m reading the same thread as some posters. Would you like a stone on which to grind your axe, @Jellybeansincognito?

@taxiforme It sounds like you’re in a difficult position and you’re trying to be factual and balanced, and listen to advice. It appears your DSD is being unreasonable, maybe because she is immature and still prone to teenage outbursts. I have both a DD and DSD who have had similar behaviour.

Despite that, I think it’s best to leave the room as is for the moment as any change could be viewed as punishment by her and make the situation worse. If you can hold off for a few months then I think it would be wise.

There may be an opportunity after a few months to let her drive the decision by her dad letting her know you are planning to paint some rooms and would she like to input on the colour choice for her room? Her answer could guide the next steps.

Lots of luck and do ignore those who seem to infer that all step mothers should be sent to Salem.

I get a feeling that more is going on with her. She seems to have cut herself off from everyone, not just you and her dad.
Sounds like depression or very low mood.
Couldn't your Husband go round and try talking to her?
Pacing and clearing her room may not be the best thing to do right now, as she may be fragile.

*packing

Stone to grind my axe? I just don’t believe this of a 22 year old.

There’s clearly something more going on that OP is holding back, since other info has been drip fed too, it totally changes the vibe of the thread.

I just feel sorry for this girl that has essentially been treated like ‘oh you’re an adult now fuck off’. Many people have stated there’s clearly something more going on, all op is interested in however is clearing the room out so she can have a spare room. It’s surprising how many people don’t think that’s odd considering the apparent behaviour and red flags of this person. It’s shocking to me that her own dad seemingly can’t be arsed with her, it’s no surprise she’s not willing to meet up with him after essentially being ignored for 5 months.

I don’t get it

The concern and attention should be placed with making sure this daughter is ok, only then should the room be replaced.

When we see threads of people living in abusive situations who say they have no where to go, it’s unsurprising that that’s the case with some of the comments on this thread.

@Jellybeansincognito that's ridiculous, she has her mums and she would be welcome at her dad's it's just she have the guest room.

I gave my son six months when he moved out just so he didn't have to clear everything out immediately, then his sister moved into the big room. I made her smaller room into a guest bedroom, he was and is always more than welcome to stay (him and his gf did whilst they were saving to go traveling they were in the guest room for 8 months) I'm not keeping their rooms as a shrine just in case they want to come home. They will always be welcome but I'm not just leaving empty space that I pay for.

What sticks out to me is the OP saying that this girl has cut herself off from friends as well. If this was just an issue with Dad & Stepmum then why would she do that? It sounds to me like she's going through something, my immediate thought was depression. This should be your top priority, not a bedroom.

I'd say give it a clean & tidy up but still leave it as her room. I have a room at my Dad & Stepmum's house. I know that it gets used as a guest room, but it is still 'my room'. If you were going to change all rooms for all kids then that's one thing, but to me it sounds like you are focusing just on this one room, which I think is touchy ground because your SD has already got the feeling of being left out.

Exactly what @MO21305 said.

Lots of you are getting confused with moving out and being happy at your parents doing stuff to your room, this is different. There’s something going on with this girl and she’s getting zero support from op and her partner, OPs priority is making her bedroom a spare room, it’s crackers.

@Alarmclockstop exactly, your son moved out.
Didn’t strop and leave and alienate himself and I’m sure if he did your last priority would be clearing his room out and making it a different space.

Thanks for the advice. Helpful and sensitive.

I think we have moved on from rooms now.

OH has tried again and been rebuffed. Her mother doesn’t seem worried she has a problem that losing weight and going to the gym won’t solve. Mind you, when he has raised issues in the past with DSD2 she told him not to worry she just needed an early night.

As for drip feed. It’s hard to condense 12 years into a post and keep it neutral so as not to out anyone. It’s like Pictionary- sorry you got a jellyfish when I drew a horse.

So, lines of communication are open, we have included her in everything and I have dropped her the odd funny message (as I always would in the past). We try to “accidentally” bump into her when she is at work. She lives with her mum who has remarried and OH doesn’t feel comfortable just rocking up without an invite, but he will if needs be.

Let’s hope in time we may be able to move on from this.

As for the SM thing. I was ready for it. Numerous post like mine from mothers...“AIBU to think ” are met with support and empathy. That’s life on Social media.

Thanks again. I am not a regular poster but the fact that people have given their time and thoughts means a lot.

Bloody hell. I haven't read everything but some serious projection going on.

I'd say she does have an eating disorder, as does her mother. That could be me projecting because I do too so I recognise the signs? It always surprises me that people shy away from acknowledging clearly addictive behaviour.

I'd also say she has some kind of personality disorder or general disorder. I'd say this will never get better and will probably get worse over the years. I'm sorry.

If you want to continue a relationship with her - and bear in mind if you make her an enemy she will be a serious thorn in the side of the family for ever - you can approach her by saying you are sorry you have hurt her (not sorry IF you have hurt her: she feels you have hurt her and by saying 'if' you're negating her feelings) and you want to be friends; let's talk about what's wrong. When she says what is wrong, don't justify yourself - say 'yes I can see that must have been hurtful and I'm sorry'. Takes the strength of Samson but, I really can't stress this enough: normal rules don't apply. They really don't.

It may be in later years she will seek eg recovery from her eating disorder and generally look for support with whatever cognitive/personality issues she may be facing. But you need to be on her side and not make yourselves the enemy. She will be looking to make you/the family the enemy - on trumped up, spurious charges. It's up to you whether you facilitate that or you ladle on the peace. At huge cost to your pride and what seems like common sense it has to be said.

You have to face this as someone with special needs imo. You do set boundaries but barely perceptible and not heavy-handed. Again, normal rules don't apply.

You'll find people saying 'I wouldn't put up with that! Tell her what for!' and they will go through life with an estranged (adult) child. That's the choice I suppose.

Btw if you clear her room you will never get back from it. Just saying.

MN really is a parallel universe for step parents ! You think biological parents have no issues - never get to the end of their tether and tell them to 'sling their hook' ?? Really ? Just pop over to the parenting teens board for five minutes and educate yourselves!

As for your situation OP. I think you have been more than reasonable. I have 4 step children and 3 children. 2 of the stepchildren have lived with us since early teens. My son left home at 19 to work and live in London. I immediately turned his room over to his step brother because they were sharing. My daughter went to Uni . Got her own house. Did I keep it as a shrine because 'she might need to move back' no I bloody didn't. They are ADULTS !! So all stuff is boxed up and put in the attic UNLESS YOU LIVE HERE. If you live here you have a room.
Younger step children have a room but not 'their room' .. it's the room they share when they are here. Otherwise it's a guest room.
Only on MN are bloody rude 20 something step children be pandered to forever. They can NEVER be regarded as just bloody rude but ALWAYS to be suffering from some MH problem. And the Step Mother always in the wrong. Whereas it's always excepted that that biological kids can be total arses and kicked up the bum to sort their lives out.

There is such a massive discrimination against ANY post from a step mother in MN that a step mother could post that she gave a step child one of her kidneys - and still the usual suspects will pile in telling her she was being an uncaring cow who obviously hated her.

a step mother could post that she gave a step child one of her kidneys - and still the usual suspects will pile in telling her she was being an uncaring cow who obviously hated her.

They’d be saying “only one? Why didn’t you give them both?”

You have to face this as someone with special needs imo. You do set boundaries but barely perceptible and not heavy-handed. Again, normal rules don't apply..

You'll find people saying 'I wouldn't put up with that! Tell her what for!' and they will go through life with an estranged (adult) child. That's the choice I suppose.

Springydaff gives very good advice. Your DSD2 is quite clearly very troubled. And for someone so troubled 22 is still very young.

They say now that the brain only fully matures at 25. We all know kids who are impressively mature at 18 but that's not the norm. My DC are in their twenties and I notice how differently they've matured, largely due to a sequence of bad experiences and their individual characters. One is taking longer than the other. But he'll get there in the end.

I feel you don't prize this girl enough. You're fed up with her. But she's your DH's DD. She'll always be there - physically present or not. If we want certain family relationships to work we sometimes have to adopt a strategy of endless patience and generosity. Not forever, of course, but in this time of crisis. Don't you feel sorry for her?

@Fontofnoknowledge for president!!!

Halle ‘fucking’ lujah!!!!

Fontofnoknowledge I'm both a mother and a stepmother. I imagine there are a lot of us about. I've seen it from both perspectives.

Yes I see it from both perspectives. I love my DSC.. But I don't discriminate between bios and steps. !! My own son was a difficult fucking ARSE .. who I encouraged to leave (pot smoking, paranoid (because of the Pot) .. I NEVER said "Awww poor baby .. I need to keep his room as a shrine.. (I told him what would happen from age 14 and it did. !! FUCK that. My Dsc have been angelic in comparison.

HOWEVER all this bullshit about 'it's their home too ? Bullshit . It might make you feel happier about your divorce but it isn't REAL . Their home is where their friends are, where they feel completely at home.. where all their STUFF IS...

Op can’t really make the decision without her DH beng onboard. In my house issues like this are based on a joint decision, and op has said her DH is not in agreement. Wouldnt matter whether op was stepmom or BM, she needs to discuss with her DH and not dismiss his feelings - that would pretty much be controlling behaviour.

And on that point I am in complete agreement.