To tell my DSD to sling her hook?

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Live with DH who has 3 DSC. Been a SM for 12 years. DSK live with their mum locally. Relatively civilised divorce. I was not the OW and don't have kids.

Good relationship with all 3. They are now in their 20's. They have always popped in and out, stay here a lot and have their own rooms here. Have provided fantastic family holidays and a relatively chilled comfortable life.

Middle child, DSD2 has always been a bit tricky. Apparently since she was born, says DH and those who have known her all her life. She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative about the usual stuff. Friends, gossip, boys ect. I thought we had a good relationship.

At the end of February she simply stopped speaking to us and visiting. We had no idea why. I don't when she text DH to tell him when he asked, it was a relatively trivial incident (but clearly not to her) when she felt she hadn't been included in a last minute family event (she was busy and couldn't come). She felt that none of us should have gone without her. To this day she has neither seen us or come to what is, her home.

Her room was a dreadful mess. Really unpleasant but a very lovely room and we don't have a spare room for visitors. I have cleaned and cleared the mess, stripped the bed and aired the room and boxed up the stuff that was just lying around on the floor ect. I haven't emptied the drawers.

DSD is 22. I really would like to clear her room and use it for guests. DH is less than enthusiastic about this idea as its "her room". I think I have respected her privacy and the sanctity of her space for long enough. She has made her position clear.

We still don't know what's really behind her behaviour- we have a great relationship with DSD1 and DSS whose take is that she is being very immature. She has a couple of lovely friends who I see regularly round and about and they tell me that she has also fallen out with and has refused to speak to them and others in the past.

Sorry this is a ramble but AIBU just to draw a line under things and clear her room out and send her stuff back to her?

I have a great relationship with my parents, but when I graduated age 21, they re-decorated my room as a guest room and told me that anything I didn't want to store in my own flat they would be happy to dispose of! No hard feelings here.

I would put her boxes into a cupboard in said room, use it as a guest room then when she comes over she can sleep there and access her things. Don't send it back to her or get rid of anything yet, as that could cause hurt and grief. Press pause on it all for now.

I agree with the PP who said that this should be a red flag - particularly that she has fallen out with other friends. This would make me very worried as to what was going on in her life (drugs/abusive relationship/depression??). I would want to find out everything I could before telling her to sling her hook.

I know that everyone says 22 is an adult, and yes, it is, but in reality some of us could barely tie our shoelaces at 22 let alone communicate coherently when we were in trouble.

You shouldn't do it only to her room. You should change all the rooms. If they are in their 20's and living their own lives in their own homes then they don't need specifically their room.

Also sending her stuff back to her is a very hostile move. You can't 'draw a line under' your husband's daughter

All our old rooms at our parents house are now guest rooms, still with a touch from each of us, eg all my stuff that I pinned all over the inside of my wardrobe doors is still there but it would be daft that my parents could not use unused rooms in their own home to save it for me.

"She can be incredibly selfish, bossy and demanding of her own way. On the other hand, she is kind and generous. Very emotional and until recently, communicative"

This could be describing my dd (who is 17) - she can appear selfish, bossy and demanding at times whilst other times she is helpful, charming, generous and kind. She's not a bad person - she has general anxiety disorder which is sometimes accompanied by depression and when she is not in a good place she is not nice to know. When in a better place she is good company.

I agree with the posters who are suggesting there may be some mental health issue going on

sling her hook OP really?

I think it would be fair enough if you made all their rooms into guest rooms but I wouldn’t single her out. That really would be excluding her. As PP have said February really isn’t very long.

You don't sounds as though you like her much. I think either all the dc have rooms or they don't. Why not just have a couple of spare rooms and an office, and whichever dc want to stay can?

Shes 22 and doesn’t need a room at your house, neither do the other DSC now they’re adults.

I still have a room at my parents house
and I am a middle-age married mother with her own house

If you do this to her room then you need to do it to the others too. They don't need dedicated bedrooms in their 20's.

I agree with the others: update all three rooms for guest usage, but keep their things handy in a dedicated wardrobe or chest of drawers. At 22, I moved back home from Uni and I was grateful that my parents kept my things for me!

@mummymeister I agree wholeheartedly with your point.

Why can't guests use your SCs' rooms when they are not there??

Theres 3 kids, they all have rooms at yours, but you're only looking at packing hers up?
This is definately going to be seen as a punishment and further evidence that you're excluding her and singling her out.

It sounds like if she is the middle child at 22 then it may be time to look at packing up her room AND eldests' room and maybe youngest as well if they have also moved out, but don't just do hers because she's not doing what you want.

Wow thanks for all the replies.

Yes - we are alive to the potential MH issues. All I can say, without writing an essay, is that all the significant adults in her life have tried (she has a serious weight problem which causes her mum, particularly, no end of worry) and been either pushed away or actively rebelled against.

The phrase "sling your hook" was needlessly insensitive, I agree. It's quite the reverse to the way we have handled it so far but it helps me to decompress.

I am walking a difficult line as a step parent as I noted I don't have my own kids and try to be careful about overstepping. It's so very very hard. She is an adult and I need to respect that. What really hurt was she just left all the lovely Xmas presents we and my parents (who don't have any GK) and her aunt and uncle had bought her just thrown on the floor. So much thought and angst went into choosing them and they were left dumped, half opened and not appreciated.

I am going to chat things over again, with DH. I think we need to give it more time, as has been said.

Don’t burn bridges with her by sending her stuff back to her.

Realistically, how often will you have guests?

I would clean and air the room, put nice fresh bedding on but leave her belongings in the wardrobe and drawers so that it is ready if she decides to visit. If you want visitors, get a few folding crates so that you just remove her stuff while the guests use the room. You can do the same with other bedrooms too if you need three guest rooms. Then everyone is treated the same so no come backs.

I think your DH should be round at her house asking what’s wrong, what’s going on and how can he help.

This. Your DH needs to try harder. Doesn’t matter if she’s in the wrong. As her parent he needs to do better trying to talk with her. She needs him to make the effort.

I would send her a message, or call, but at 22 she's probably more responsive to texts, and tell her you're having a clear out of the house in general, including her room. Tell her you've cleaned it up but you haven't touched her stuff which is still in the drawers, ask her if she can come round to sort it within the next 14 days, if she doesn't come round, you'll clear it out yourself and bring it round to her.

If you are converting any on the step kids rooms into a guest room - does do it the the person who is already feeling unwanted and excluded?
Other than clearing up the room - why do it at all? Guests stay for a max of 1-2 nights generally but this is their home. Although their 2nd home, it is still their home.

If she's got an eating disorder I would expect her to hide food/laxatives or whatever in her drawers. I'm glad you haven't opened them.

I wouldn't send back her things. I think it's fine that you cleaned out the room, though.

I agree with others, your husband needs to make sure he speaks to her about her mental health.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt That's nice but my point still stands in that you don't NEED a bedroom at your parents house now. If an adult child comes to stay, they need a room with a bed in it. But if they are only there a few times a year once they are in their 20s it makes far more sense for spare bedrooms to be just that, spare bedrooms, to be used by all guests.

She's being a badly behaved adult no matter what her relationship is to you. Turn her room into a guest room, stick her stuff in a cupboard and when she gets over herself, she'll still have a room to stay in.

FWIW I agree with Shatner

An adult doesn't NEED a room at their parents' home.

OP - I would box up all of her stuff and store it in the loft. Also, awful as it sounds, I would check her drawers - not because I would want to spy, but because if she's hidden food item and left it you could end up with vermin.

Ponoka7 Just to clarify, good Parents don't ever tell their children to "sling their hook".

Yes, they do, when other younger kids are impacted by the behaviour of a sibling. You only have to read some of the threads on here over the years about the effects of drug taking and addiction on younger siblings, where the parents have tried everything possible to help, and asking the addict to leave has been the only solution.

I don't think that making parents who have had to ask their kids to leave to protect their other kids should be made to feel crap by your judginess do you?